Fil reluctant to serve niether myself nor dh nice champagne?

[KnittedJimmychoos]

Fudged details in case the eye of sauron gets hold...

But Mil and fil had been entertaining their friends, say Peter and Jane... Dh and I came in after their meal... And fil opened a really nice bottle of champagne.. Dh and I sat down chatting and fil served his friend but not me?
I made eyes at dh so he got a glass and went to serve me a glass, dh was driving and also doesn't like it.. Fil suddenly looked panicked and asked who was driving, and as dh poured he tried to make sure it was a half glass even though dh said he was ie empty excuse ? Meanwhile he then took the bottle and topped up his fiend chatting happily!
Dh then took bottle to fill me up and again fil seemed panicky!!
I did say I only fancied one glass.. And he sort of sucked in his breath and looked at me like a five year old and said "this is a really good bottle".

For context there is no way on earth my df would ever serve one person like this and not another!
Maybe he got out this bottle and hadn't reckoned on us coming back but isn't this the height of rudeness?? The mother of his only grandchildren??

Pils live in house worth a few million, not London, are very well off.. Have a wine cupboard.. They also treat dh like this.. On other stuff... Ie this wasn't a treasured special bottle saved for anniversary they can't replace..
I'm not keen anyway but I felt this was so unpleasant! Your not good enough for me to give nice champagne too!
Can't say the make because its fudged details.

Or.. Is it understandable to only want to serve this to his pal who it was intended for? I often feel like we are treated like second class citizens!!

Did you have the DC with you? Maybe Fil preferred to catch up with his friends without children around.

Your husbands sister and her husband were invited to this gathering but you two were not. Of course your husband will feel hurt that you were both excluded from this get together as he also knows Peter and Jane I am wondering whether you have both been made to feel unworthy on other occasions. If so, I can understand why the champagne incident makes you feel rubbish. I wonder whether you and your husband turning up is all about you saying that you matter too.

Alfie that's very true, I guess people wouldn't get out the wedding dinner ware for their own dc in that way.
What I find odd is their levels of entertaining and we are very firmly in the lowest catagory for this and I think it's because they do see dh as a child and other issues I won't say, but also because they are not keen on him and definitely do not like me.
The whole package puts us firmly in their lowest rung effort.
My dp enjoy socialising with us, my dp have always welcomed my friends growing up, dh wasn't really allowed any over.
I hope I can enjoy nice bottle of champagne with my dc when older, unless they don't like it, I hope I can enjoy socialising with them and wouldn't treat them differently if they started to visit me once married.
Yes more casually if they popped in regularly but for bdays or special occasions I'd do normal, stops out effort.

Friend, yes spot on.

You are determined not to accept that you’ve done anything wrong here. You are putting it all on the PILs. It may be that they don’t like you much. But so what?

I’ve enjoyed this thread

Ilovedthe70s

A backstory is something that gives the background to the incident.
A purely hypothetical example here might be:
"I've previously given my renowned demonstration of twerking at PiL's house after a drink or six, fell over and decimated their collection of porcelain ladies in crinoline dresses".

Often on MN a back story is not given in the OP but much later, usually when the OP's been told they're being VVU.

It may include people "screaming" things, various health issues (physical and mental), previous hurt the subjects of the AIBU have caused the poster...
Generally, things that show the OP to be a wonderful person and those who have crossed her to be unreasonable in the extreme.

"Biblical" because it's long and will probably cause other posters reading it to say "Oh for God's sake!" at intervals.

The backstory can take a while to put together and is probably the reason that a police caution includes the phrase:
"You do not have to say anything. But it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court."

I think there are clearly 2 camps when it comes to hosting and dropping in and it's very evident to tell who falls in which!
I don't think yabu @KnittedJimmychoos But then I was bought up to think it was the height of bad manners not to accommodate guests regardless of whether they have been invited or have dropped in.

If it's ingrained within them that that's how they are then there is literally nothing you can do to change that. I would've been pissed off if we had popped in quickly to see someone and they begrudged me a glass of the champagne they were drinking because if it were the other way round I wouldn't have begrudged them having some.

Different strokes for different folks. Next time they come round to yours, give them the crap wine 😁

Agree with PPs that it was U to turn up uninvited, and expect to be offered refreshments.

DH was unhappy about the two of you not having been invited, he could have told his parents and sibling that, and - if it was that important to him - arranged to see Peter and Jane separately.

Unless you’re the type of couple to want to bring DC to adult occasions, it seems crap of PILs to incite one sibling/partner and not the other. So there’s ‘backstory’ of different treatment of DH and his sibling by their parents?

If there’re toxic family dynamics, the ‘stately homes’ threads on the MN relationship board and reading listed there might be useful for DH.

Would reflect on your ‘boundaries’ as regards the DC. eg I dislike it if GPs who don’t treat their adult child well seek to ‘bypass’ them and have unsupervised contact with that child’s DC.

Don’t understand your angst about ‘levels’ of entertaining.

Of course you can have a great bottle of champagne with your own D.C. when they are adults. But you can surely also have your own friends and your own life without your D.C. feeling they can join in all the time.
Really really feels as though they have different social habits than your family. That’s ok. Both need to be respected. They’re not suddenly going to become like your dps. Nor should they !

Honestly you expecting your DH to take something that doesnt belong to him and give it to you is whats exceptionally rude and shocking in my opinion.

Also Hippoed because 20 pages is too much when Im half asleep but how do you know it isnt the guests bottle of Champaign that they brought?

You essentially stole someone elses expensive item when you werent offered and they clearly didnt want you to take it why not just take their collectables or jewellery next time?

I hate the entitlement of CFs who think they can go to someone elses house and just mooch of them, you're imposing yourself on them so have some manners and dont clearly abuse the situation.

And as a life lesson by the way no one has to share anything with you in life, where you the kid that also took others toys in the park? being forced to surrender yourself to entitled people or be a doormat is nothing to do with manners.

Freduain slip there: invite, not incite!

LaMarschallin. Really want a twerking, royal doulton smashing backstory on this one!

So they are not keen on their son, don't like you & yet you both turn up to something that you weren't invited to.

Why?

You don't like your ILs either do you, but expect them to be gracious hosts to something that they didn't invite you to?

Haha this is such a middle class problems thread!

I can see my pil doing what yours did here... not inviting me and dh, telling us we’d be too busy with the kids, inviting DH’s sibling instead. FWIW, I do think they like us, mostly, but they can have very rigid ideas about what they want to get out of a social occasion and this can lead to some people being invited or not invited to things that seem surprising and odd.

However, you don’t meet rudeness with rudeness. DH and I, no matter how much we wanted to see the guests, would never turn up when pil had made it clear we weren’t invited. To do so is pretty rude. If, by some embarrassing lapse in memory, we turned up at the same time as the guests and fil didn’t serve me, I would never make eyes at DH to serve me anything, let alone the best booze. I can actually imagine my DH taking it on himself to serve me if his F didn’t, but I would be mortified and make our excuses and leave.

You do sound quite entitled OP and I think you’re on a hiding to nothing expecting things of your PIL, they’re not going to put you first.

If we had been invited, should fil offer us the good stuff or would it still be normal to hold that back? I don't think he /they would ever offer dh any of their more expensive drinks and certainly not me.

Why are you so obsessed with drinking your FIL's good booze? Yes of course if it was being served at something you had been invited to you should be offered some. You weren't not offered it because they think you're below the good stuff, you weren't offered it because they wanted you to LEAVE!

Previous poster who said they were annoyed and wanted rid of you because the wife was upstairs getting in her fetish gear for the next part of the evening, you've made me snort-laugh

OP as nearly everyone has said you were rude to invade their special evening with their friends. It sounds as if you did so to make a point, which is doubly rude and quite immature. You encroached on their special time together and completely changed the dynamic, despite them having indicated you were not invited on this occasion. Would you be happy if they gatecrashed next time you are entertaining good friends, quite late on in the evening and started snaffling all the special treats they were looking forward to sharing with their friends? I think we all know the answer to that.

I think you need to start showing your PILs some more consideration, as the sole procreators of your DH. Respect is a two way street and you showed them none by your actions. Just because they parented your DH does not mean they have to be on tap at your beck and call 24 hours a day. They are adults with their own lives to lead and are perfectly entitled to entertain whom they wish, how they wish without you butting in. How your family hypothetically would entertain Peter and Jane has no relevance here. I think you should reflect on this and learn from it if you genuinely want to have a better relationship with them going forward.

What in God's name is wrong with people on here? It's like upside down land sometimes.

It is insanely rude. Your FIL is insanely rude.No one in the real world would shrug and think this is okay or normal. It's weird and petty.

This is exactly what i thought when i read this thread this morning!

What does the price of their house have to do with it? Because they live in a more expensive house they should host you and ply you with expensive booze?
I am far closer to my parents then my dB and sil, this is because we get on better, I will regularly host them, visit and help them out etc whereas my dB and sil expect to be hosted whinge when things aren't exactly as they like never go out their way to reciprocate or help out.
We have both produced 'grandchildren' but that has absolutely nothing to do with how my parents view us. We are all adults and capable of having mature relationships. If someone is consistently rude and entitled then no one should feel they have to invite them. My sil has ruined so many family gatherings with her sulking and attitude, of course they're not invited to everything!

Lanique, your post 1.57, hilarious, you could be correct there and yes probably is a margo and Jerry situation (although not digestif), probably is sexism.

FWIW I do still think FIL was rude and anyone who turned up at my house would be offered a drink. But I would be annoyed about it if my special time with friends was gatecrashed by people who were specifically not invited. Why did you go OP? ?

It’s not mean to not want your toddler to be obese by eating a second meal, or growing up thinking they are entitled to a share of every meal eaten around them

What sort of weird relationship do you have with food that chips are some kind of special food that have to be shared with everyone?

My thoughts exactly on that very weird post. Who would actively buy fish and chips for a kid who had their tea already? No wonder so many children are obese if it's considered mean for them to have just one tea

*You were looking forward to sharing with your friends.

And why didn't you leave when it was obvious they didn't want you there?!

@DifferentHair

That had me roaring with laughter

Thank you

Obviously it wasn't quite like that and if it was I'd nail myself to the cross.