Fil reluctant to serve niether myself nor dh nice champagne?

[KnittedJimmychoos]

Fudged details in case the eye of sauron gets hold...

But Mil and fil had been entertaining their friends, say Peter and Jane... Dh and I came in after their meal... And fil opened a really nice bottle of champagne.. Dh and I sat down chatting and fil served his friend but not me?
I made eyes at dh so he got a glass and went to serve me a glass, dh was driving and also doesn't like it.. Fil suddenly looked panicked and asked who was driving, and as dh poured he tried to make sure it was a half glass even though dh said he was ie empty excuse ? Meanwhile he then took the bottle and topped up his fiend chatting happily!
Dh then took bottle to fill me up and again fil seemed panicky!!
I did say I only fancied one glass.. And he sort of sucked in his breath and looked at me like a five year old and said "this is a really good bottle".

For context there is no way on earth my df would ever serve one person like this and not another!
Maybe he got out this bottle and hadn't reckoned on us coming back but isn't this the height of rudeness?? The mother of his only grandchildren??

Pils live in house worth a few million, not London, are very well off.. Have a wine cupboard.. They also treat dh like this.. On other stuff... Ie this wasn't a treasured special bottle saved for anniversary they can't replace..
I'm not keen anyway but I felt this was so unpleasant! Your not good enough for me to give nice champagne too!
Can't say the make because its fudged details.

Or.. Is it understandable to only want to serve this to his pal who it was intended for? I often feel like we are treated like second class citizens!!

So to sum up:

Weren’t invited, made quite clear.

DH so desperate to see parents friend, though he isn’t close enough to him to actually be in contact to arrange a personal meeting.

Turn up anyway and expect to be treated as a welcome guest because, after all, you are Mother of the DGC. Expect them to treat you, uninvited, the same as the guests of honour who they have not seen for some time.

Right. 😂

I'm not trying to be horrible but it sounds like you want your PILs to be like your own family and they're just not.

I mean, yes, it's rude to leave someone without a drink and I personally would never do that. On the other hand from what you've said...you did kind of gatecrash which not everyone is Ok with, family or not. So really this comes down to the way your PILs don't view you and your DH in a drop by anytime/more the merrier way.

It doesn't necessarily follow that he thinks the champs was wasted on you because he begrudged giving you some. Maybe he just didn't want you there. Did he offer your DH who was driving a soft drink?

Omg I’m absolutely cringing at this.

You turned up uninvited then your DH helped himself to the dinner party drinks on your behalf without being offered. What if FIL’s guests had brought the champagne with them (seems quite likely)? This is unspeakably rude of you and your DH.

No wonder you weren’t invited. I’d guess your FIL was apologising profusely about your behaviour as soon as you’d gone.

I think it was a subtle encouragement to leave. If you settled in for drinks (whatever the tipple) who knows how long you would stay. You say you weren't staying long, but also you say you know you weren't invited... so from their perspective, their evening dynamic has been altered having you lob in, and then possibly stay all hours.

Most polite way to shift you on is not invite you to have a drink, expensive or cheap.

As to why you were both excluded, this warrants more consideration/reflection. Like your family, mine is open to extending invitations/dropins...

@occa

Omg I’m absolutely cringing at this.

You turned up uninvited then your DH helped himself to the dinner party drinks on your behalf without being offered. What if FIL’s guests had brought the champagne with them (seems quite likely)? This is unspeakably rude of you and your DH.

No wonder you weren’t invited. I’d guess your FIL was apologising profusely about your behaviour as soon as you’d gone.

THIS

I'm embarrassed for you OP, even more so because you, as "The Mother of the Only Grandchildren" can't, or won't see how out of order you actually were. To crash when you knew full well you weren't invited is really pathetic and then to sit around drinking the bottle they opened to share with their actual guests.... you cannot be so clueless really?
Oh, the cringe 🤣

They’re just not that into you. Or maybe your husband.

I know which one I’d put money on.

Surely if the "friend" and the DP were so close, the "friend" would have made separate arrangements to see the OP and her DP? As they didn't, I'm guessing the connection cannot be as strong as OP suggests and this was just a way of the OP and her partner gatecrashing where they clearly weren't invited.

I would never turn up unannounced at such an event and then start "making eyes" at whatever drinks were being served. I can guarantee you, OP, if your DP noticed you "making eyes" at the champagne, then every one else did as well.

Frankly, the OP's (and partner's) behaviour was dreadful and embarrassing. We have overbearing, grabby people like this in our family and it's because of behaviour like this that we don't have anything more to do with them. The OP and her partner should stop behaving like such entitled arses, they shouldn't have turned up unannounced, shouldn't have outstayed their welcome and certainly shouldn't have essentially helped themselves to whatever alcohol they believed was on offer.

It's also irrelevant how the OP's family behaves. I feel sorry for the PIL's and can only imagine what their side of the story would be.

AIBU?

I had been looking forward to a catch up with old friends I hadn't seen in years. Back in the day we had so much fun overseas together and I couldn't wait to reminisce with them.

We're all interested in wine and appreciate the finer drops. I found a fabulous bottle and thought, 'hang the expense, it's a special catch up between old friends!'

My son and DiL as usual tried to invite themselves, but we clearly told them it was a catch up between old friends and they would have to sit this one out.

The friends came, dinner was great. I brought out the special champagne and we were just about to pop it when there was a knock at the door. In walked my son and DiL 'just stopping to say hello'.

Yet lo and behold they settled themselves down at the dinning table and DiL immediately started staring pointedly back and forth between the champagne, my son and the cupboards where the glasses are kept.

Now a bottle of champagne has what, 8 glasses at most? There were 4 of us and I wasn't interested in donating my second glass to my CF DiL.

I dropped what I thought was a clear hint to my son 'aren't you driving? Best be going'. Son seemed to catch on and poured half a glass. I hurried to fill up my guests glasses so that they could enjoy as much as possible before it was guzzled by Son and DiL. DiL was paying close attention to where the champagne was going and insisted her glass be filled to the brim.

Eventually I decided to be clear and told them this was a special occasion and a special bottle.

They thankfully read the room at that point and left in a huff.

It was incredibly awkward for our guests and took the buzz from the room for a while.

Now I hear that DiL is in a strop.

AIBU here? Does having my grandchildren entitle this woman to swan in and demand a share of all our nice things?

You and FIL both sound ghastly.

If long lost family friends visit, and your children know it's happening, you do not invite one set and not the other.

If non invited children turn up you serve one of them half a glass of your best champagne, even if it's through gritted teeth. This is being a good host.

If your parents make it very clear you are not invited, then you see if said friends can pop in to see you on the way home.

If you can only see them by gate crashing then you refuse any drinks offered, and get on with chatting, 15 minutes max and pretend you're on your way somewhere else.

You do not turn up and help yourselves.

Awful, awful people.

Oh, and if you know they're formal, then you know this already.

If I dropped in on someone in a casual way without phoning first and they were sitting drinking wine I would not expect a glass as I would be an uninvited visitor. In fact I would probably take the hint and make a quick exit.

If I was sitting drinking with a friend and someone dropped in unexpectedly I would not feel obliged to offer them a glass. In fact I might even say "I wont offer you a drink as I wasn't expecting you."

Highly unlikely to happen. I dont visit folks without phoning first and I dont open the door to unscheduled callers. At most I might open a window and say "sorry I have guests, its not convenient".

Your DP would have been aware that his unannounced arrival, partly after it had been indicated he shouldn’t come was going to cause tension. You also must have 100% known that. Noticing that a particularly good or special bottle of champagne was being opened and then ‘ making eyes’ at your DH to put pressure on him to get you a glass and pour you a drink is excruciating.
The FIL was rude, someone with decent matters would have offered a drink to any guest. He could have explained that that particular bottle was a special gift but could have offered another option.

You haven’t explained the backstory but if the situation between the guests and your DH is fraught because of a previous incident then he probably should have gone alone, with a gift, apologised for disturbing them and explained that he was so keen to have a chance to see them that he wanted to just pop in for moment but wouldn’t have a drink.
I think unfortunately that the way you conducted yourself didn’t do you any favours with either your PIL or their friends. You just didn’t attune yourself to the company you were in. You may say you shouldn’t have to but if you turn up to an event uninvited then behave in the way that you did you have achieve nothing to further your DH husbands relationship with the family friends he so wanted to see. If the point of going over was in the hope of smoothing things over or building bridges you should have worried less about getting an expensive drink and more about supporting your partner. If it mattered that much to your DH that he was prepared to turn up unannounced against their wishes and you knew the importance of the visit you could have done more to help him create a better outcome. Then he could have left feeling it had gone well rather than feeling that his dad was flustered and irritated and the guests probably thought you were insensitive and presumptuous.

You're not grabby or entitled (only on MN would a son and DIL be accused of gatecrashing).

I think the fact that it seems that the FIL had waited for the SIL and partner to leave before opening the bottle indicates he probably waiting to just share in only with the other couple. That indicates either it’s expense or it’s sentimental value was very high and you were spoiling a special occasion that he or they had planned for and also encroaching on their moment of enjoying it together.

I think that everyone is getting excited about champagne, which is not cheap but neither a properly expensive bottle.

Everyone sounds odd, divisive and unpleasant. I hope to god that i never have such a shit relationship with my kids that if old family friends turn up that i only invite one of my children and not the other and then, when they pop by, begrudge them a glass of whatever i am serving.

This is family for godsake not an awkward neighbour.

However, you do seem to have a problem reading a room too. I would have smiled, left and slagged them in the car for being excluding dicks. Shit family dynamic

Maybe it's bc I'm from the Southern US but we think nothing of dropping by without calling. If there's an event going on, we'd excuse ourselves

However my philosophy (and most of my friends and family agree) is 'the more, the merrier' so I would welcome whoever dropped by. However, I also live in Louisiana where we never need an excuse for a party.

OTOH, I understand the in-laws' point of view.

I think your getting a hard time on here, I can't believe that people are saying a that your the cheeky one etc! Your FIL is so incredibly rude! It's like saying your not good enough to have any and it's not like you were going to drink loads! Just a small glass and even if it was a special one they saved for the two of them to share they could have said so and then just said here's a small glass for you to try. They have come accross very selfish you can't treat people differently like that.
I agree with your point that you are the mother of his grandkids and no respect shown for you here. I also see nothing wrong with you turning up like you did you should have been welcomed and I bet the friend was pleased to see you both. Sorry you experienced this your FIL is not a nice person and you are not being unreasonable

You're mixing several points and coming up with the wrong answer.

Based on everything you've said, this would be your IL's post about you:

"My wife and I were hosting some long-time family friends. My daughter asked about seeing the friends so I invited her and her husband, they're in our bubble so it felt pretty say. My son would probably want to visit with him but they're not in our bubble, and honestly I'm not really that keen on the wife (she tends to hold the fact she's the mother of our grandchildren over our head to demand things from us) and she never lets him go anywhere without her.

Anyway, here we are, enjoying our evening when they just showed up! I couldn't very well tell them to jog-on b/c that would be rude and yes, our friends would have liked to see him too so we let them in.

I had just opened a very expensive bottle of champagne that my friends and I had been discussing since planning their visit, and as there's never enough in those bottles, I didn't bother serving my son and his wife, I figured they wouldn't stay long anyway.

How wrong I was! As soon as they sat down, my son got up and got his wife (who drinks way too much for my liking) a glass of the champagne. Did not ask, and I didn't want to make a point about their rude behaviour in front of our friends so instead I made sure to serve more to the friends so we could enjoy it.

My son's wife now thinks we were unreasonable and we should have invited them to the evening and most importantly, she desperately wanted more of that champagne.

Was I unreasonable to not offer any to these gate-crashers?"

YABU. You weren't invited but went anyway. It's possible they wanted to stick to rule of 6 and you didn't respect that or how the guests might feel mixing with more people. Peter may have gifted the drink therefore FIL felt sharing with you wasn't the done thing. You have proudly produced the only grandchildren yet didn't bring them with you. I'm not clear why you were there. it's bad enough your DH gatecrashing but why go together without the children? Why was DH so keen to see people he wouldn't normally be in touch with? Maybe FIL was limiting your alcohol so you didn't embarrass yourself further.

I think say it was a special private occasion for a couple and another couple they were friends with and the MIL turned up unannounced after being actively discouraged from coming. Then tried to pressurise her partner into getting her a glass of something particularly special to drink when it hadn’t been offered, most of people would consider her gate crashing and a grabby CF.

If the champagne was Cristal then it could easily be a couple of hundred pounds a bottle. The fact that the OP didn’t want to mention what bottle of champagne it was because it was outing indicates it’s not a very run of the mill bottle.

You were shockingly rude for even turnjng up!!! Let alone for insisting on the champagne which wasn't for you??? Sounds like he'd been saving it for his friend's visit. You really need to apologise. I cringed reading this and I'm normally pretty shamless but ahhhh. No. This is not okay.

If I was sitting drinking with a friend and someone dropped in unexpectedly I would not feel obliged to offer them a glass. In fact I might even say "I wont offer you a drink as I wasn't expecting you."

Are people actually this rude in real life?? Thankfully I don’t know anyone who is - my friends/family and I would happily offer a glass of whatever we were drinking to anyone who was around for whatever reason when a bottle was open.

My PILs are/were very different to yours. However, in this scenario if DH had desperately wanted to say hi to Peter & Jane he would have popped in alone and just very briefly unless invited to stay longer.

There were 6 people there already. Why did you think it OK to increase it to 8? Have you not heard of Covid?

Maybe SIL was invited because Peter & Jane especially wanted to see her. Or maybe SIL gives support to PILs day to day so has been their support bubble throughout.

I'm actually embarrassed for you. You seem unable to see how this is a very different scenario to your DPs who have an open house to their family no matter who else is visiting.