Awkward misunderstandings that you had as a child

[CompleteBarstool]

I've just been reminded of the time where I'd overheard the word "bollocking" used and had no idea it wasn't a word a child used....until I saw the look on my Dad's face when 6/7 year old me told him that I'd had to give the cat a bollocking earlier for scratching the furniture.

Any similar stories?

@LavenderDiamond

That letters from my french pen pal should not be referred to as french letters.

Me saying "ooh I wonder if there will be a french letter on the mat when we get home" was too much for my mother

@LavenderDiamond my mum actually joked about the French letters I received from a French boy I'd met on holiday. She used to say "there's a French letter on the kitchen table for you" and do a little laugh to herself and I didn't understand what she was laughing at.

A boy cycled past some friends I was with and stuck two fingers up at them. And they did it back to him.
I went home and stuck two fingers up at my Mum and asked what it meant. She crossly told me never to do that again.

Hunt the Cunt has brought tears to my eyes. A couple spring to mind:

Calling my mum a big dildo as in "you big dingbat"

Loudly and proudly counting in German on holiday in a restaurant "Ein, Zwei, Drei, Vier, funf, sechs... Ha ha sex. You had sex with daddy last night". Poor mortified mother

We had a teacher who thought twat was a less rude version of twit. She once gave a lecture to the whole school during assembly about the twats that had been messing around. A much younger teacher bounded on stage and whispered to her and she went bright red and swept off the stage 😆

@VenusClapTrap

Dh used to play a game with ds when he was very small. It involved stroking the child’s hand while saying “Soft Kitty, nice kitty” - or something along those lines (Dh is foreign and it’s a game from his country that you play with little kids). Then when the child isn’t expecting it, you switch suddenly to “Bitey Kitty!” and slap the hand instead of stroking it. Ds loved this game, and trying to predict when Kitty would get bitey and snatch his hand away.

Anyway one day Dh took ds into some public toilets in a museum, and whilst in the cubicle with him, ds suddenly piped up “Daddy can we play the stroking game?!”

Dh could not get out of there fast enough.

OMG!!!!

Soooooo funny I can't hardly breathe!!!

Dd in reception class complained that the fucking glue wouldn't stick to the paper.
Teacher was not amused, but was impressed she got the context right.
Fortunately, when teacher asked where she had learnt that word , she was honest and said she heard it on a youtube video she watched with a friend.
I am not a sweary person.

@NameChangedForThisFeb21 you're not alone! My DH said, "he looked like a bit of a nonce" (outfit at wedding) to my aunt and uncle and I had to intervene. He's 41.

My parents are very traditionally and the food in my London Uni was all cool. I heard they did these fancy squashed hot toasted rolls with mozzarella, basil and tomatoes. So as a nervous new first year I queued up at the counter where they were made. I asked for the "hot Poonami" instead of a panini 😝 never lived it down.

When I was really little my 19yo cousin died. Apparently I made my uncle a ‘sympathy’ card that said ‘enjoy your funeral’ and gave it to him under the radar of my mum’s watchful eye

I’m mortified thinking about it now but I was so young I have no memory of it at all.

Well yes, who WOULDN'T be disappointed at not getting a 3p sweet? I mean, black jacks were 2 a penny. Buying a 3p sweet would have been an epic haul!

@RosemaryShortcake

DM said oh the sweets have arrived one day when I was home from school as a lorry pulled up.

I was picturing a huge bag of sweets, no suites were a type of sofa .

I asked DM how much it took to get drunk and she said about three glasses.

I asked how much a glass was and she indicated a full glass. I didn't realise she meant with mixer, and the first time I got drunk I tried to drink three glasses of neat spirits.

I was drunk for at least two days.

I tried to give up my seat to a man on the tube when I was about 6. He must have been about 30. Everyone smiled/laughed and I went bright red realising he was not that old.

Missed the quote, sorry.

@SkepticalCat

I've not used the word knackered in company ever since I was told off for saying it, but I do wonder if its a slightly older generational thing where it has sexual connotations? I googled before posting and it seems that these days it is just used for meaning tired, but I read somewhere that it used to mean sexually tired.

I'm from the north, late forties, and when I was a teenager I said I was knackered meaning tired and was properly told off and told not to say it. Implication it meant tired after sex. It must be a regional thing as ask as a generational one.

I heard the word "bastard" being used as an insult, and thought it was "bast-head", with "bast" being the bad bit. I used to mutter "oh BAST" to myself when I was annoyed, much to my parents' confusion.

My nan (a Londoner) used to say something very dirty was "black as Newgate's knocker". Except she pronounced "Newgate's" like "Noogit's".

I wondered for years who Noogit was and why she had a black tit.

@amusedbush

When I was really little my 19yo cousin died. Apparently I made my uncle a ‘sympathy’ card that said ‘enjoy your funeral’ and gave it to him under the radar of my mum’s watchful eye

I’m mortified thinking about it now but I was so young I have no memory of it at all.

That reminds me - I wrapped up my Auntie's wedding present (just some token thing, I was only 6 or 7) in Many Happy Returns of the Day paper.

It hadn't registered and I can't even remember how I found out. I'm sure we all just laughed about it.

This threads the best laugh I’ve had in ages!

When I was about six I was reading a book and asked my parents what shag meant. The dog in the book was described as “Shaggy”.

@itsadoddle

My parents are very traditionally and the food in my London Uni was all cool. I heard they did these fancy squashed hot toasted rolls with mozzarella, basil and tomatoes. So as a nervous new first year I queued up at the counter where they were made. I asked for the "hot Poonami" instead of a panini 😝 never lived it down.

I am officially deceased!! Bwahaha!

My DS age about 7 or 8 said to me "Mum, what's sex?". I started to explain in child friendly terms. DH sniggering like crazy in the next room making no attempt to rescue me. DS looking very confused.

A few days later DS calls over to the TV where the CEX (computer exchange shop) ad was playing and says "this was what I meant mum - CEX".

I recall one of my sons aged about 7 saying "mummy have you ever had sex" and I said "darling, you don't know what sex is" and he replied "yes I do it's the bits we're not allowed to watch on James Bond" haha 🤣🤣🤣🤣

My sister thought guerillas were... trained fighting gorillas.

@ScottChegg

My nan (a Londoner) used to say something very dirty was "black as Newgate's knocker". Except she pronounced "Newgate's" like "Noogit's".

I wondered for years who Noogit was and why she had a black tit.

My mum also said this! In a broad Scots accent mind, so I assumed it was a Scottish expression. Though she was from London originally. And she also pronounced it noogits. I also wondered who noogit was. As I got older I wondered if it might be a bit racist (she had another ‘black as...’ phrase which it turns out was, despite not being a racist person at all), but it seems not.

I can’t remember how old I was but I remember saying to my Mum how good it was that when people died they could be made into a bench! 🤣

@SkepticalCat

I've not used the word knackered in company ever since I was told off for saying it, but I do wonder if its a slightly older generational thing where it has sexual connotations? I googled before posting and it seems that these days it is just used for meaning tired, but I read somewhere that it used to mean sexually tired.

You used the heat it on tv in the 70s. I remember Marti Kane used to say it.

I did and the snooty old Hyacinth Bucket that was my friends mum sent me home and rang my mum to say that I wasn’t allowed to play with her kid anymore. Knowing my mum she would have put on her best Princess Anne impression and told her to ‘bugger Orr’.

@radioband

I can’t remember how old I was but I remember saying to my Mum how good it was that when people died they could be made into a bench! 🤣

I'd love to be a bench when I die!

My grandma was looking after me once at her house when I was about 5. After playing for a while, I solemnly went up to her and asked her if she knew anything about incest. She froze in terror, then knelt down next to me and asked me what I wanted to tell her, so I led her out into the garden, showed her a caterpillar I'd just found on a plant and asked her if she knew what type of insect it was.

@Gribbie

My DS age about 7 or 8 said to me "Mum, what's sex?". I started to explain in child friendly terms. DH sniggering like crazy in the next room making no attempt to rescue me. DS looking very confused.

A few days later DS calls over to the TV where the CEX (computer exchange shop) ad was playing and says "this was what I meant mum - CEX".