Awkward misunderstandings that you had as a child

[CompleteBarstool]

I've just been reminded of the time where I'd overheard the word "bollocking" used and had no idea it wasn't a word a child used....until I saw the look on my Dad's face when 6/7 year old me told him that I'd had to give the cat a bollocking earlier for scratching the furniture.

Any similar stories?

Couple of mildly amusing ones - a university friend and I went to a museum in London and in front of the sculpture exhibition, my friend (quite loudly) asked how could I tell which was the male and which was the female figure? They were abstract sculptures, but not that abstract! Trying very hard not to laugh out loud in a very quiet exhibition room takes a lot of work .

The second one was my dad - apparently back in the mid-1950s, when he was at primary school, he and my grandma were standing in a queue at a bus stop and he (very clearly) asked "what's that lady got on her face?" The lady in question was wearing a full face of makeup (1950s style) and dad had never come across it before as his mother and sister didn't wear any . Different times; what was seen as quite rude back then just seems a bit cheeky nowadays...

When I was about 8 I overheard my mum refer to one of our neighbours as "always pie-eyed" (I probably thought it she liked pies so much it showed in her eyes). A few days later we were going up the stairs behind this woman and I said "Muuuum, what does pie-eyed mean"?

Neighbour probably didn't twig but my Mum was mortified and I got a stern telling off about repeating things I'd overheard.

I was about 9 when uncle Fred rang and asked me to let my mum know that uncle Joe had sadly died (not real names).
Uncle Fred was DM's favourite brother; uncle Joe was her BIL who'd been ill for some time. I wasn't particularly close to either.
Unfortunately I got the names mixed up and DM was in hysterics when I told her.
Took a few frantic calls to sort that one. (Who asks a 9 year old to pass a message like that on?).

I thought a french kiss meant saying "mwah" when you kissed. Until the age of 14 when, during a conversation with a group of girl friends about when it's appropriate to stop kissing family members, I said "My sisters and I always french kiss, it's just a thing we do." Then the rumours of my family being a weird incestous cult started up... again.

Another one here who didn't realise the difference between twat and twit. My DSis and I were arguing in the back of the car, we must have been about 8 and 10 I think, and one of us called the other a twat. Cue DM telling us we shouldn't use that word. Of course we wanted to know why. DM wouldn't tell us, just said we shouldn't use it. After the twentieth or so chorus of 'but, whyyyyyy', she snapped and shouted 'because it means CUNT!'. We were utterly mortified and sat in silence the rest of the way back .

@NameChangedForThisFeb21

I’m not going to change saying knackered just because other people are determined to turn everything into a sexual thing. To be honest it’s them that any embarrassment should fall back on.

I’m not I just genuinely thought that was the meaning. It’s not as if I was pointing and sniggering when people said it. It never bothered me enough to look it up mind you.

Not me something my mum told me.

Her 2 brothers were fights T called J a Cunt. Their little cousin S over heard them and said. "Im telling Nanny". T said Oh no don't tell her. It just means you're a nice person.......Anyway fast forward to a few hours later S was happily playing with her dolls and she inevitably came out with " Awww you're a nice little cunt." . Needless to say my uncles get the wrath of their nans tongue.

Fighting not fights.

I used to play with my mums tampons, I had no idea what they were. I'd line them up, make mazes and hang them off things with the strings

80’s primary on a Monday morning usually meant writing ‘what I did at the weekend’. My parents were not strict about bedtime so we would often watch Dynasty. I wrote in my book
I watched Dynasty, Krystal is nice and Alexis is the bitch.
I genuinely thought it just meant the mean one. We still have the book, the teacher must have cried marking that

Had a meltdown amongst all my family when I was told I wasn't allowed to go get a 'nightcap' with my uncle and father in the hotel after a wedding.
I was so angry, i was really excited about looking like 'wee Willy Winkie' from my nursery rhyme book.

Dd was hysterical as she didn't want to be a human being. Ds was tormenting her about being one...

I innocently informed my mum when I was 6 that I’d seen two people ‘shagging’. She asked me what I thought it meant and I said ‘kissing’ and she said that’s not what it means and didn’t elaborate 😂 Very funny looking back! It’s what everyone in our playground was calling kissing at the time.

A family friend was visiting and said they were just going to spend a penny. I thought they meant they were going shopping so I asked to go with her.

@grassisjeweled

Brother came home from his first day of secondary school and asked, what's cunt mean?

I remember reading the News of the World on a Sunday and asking at the dinner table what masturbating was? Grandparents were there too I was around 8

I asked my mum what masturbating was and she told me it meant “playing with yourself.”

So I don’t need to explain what I said a couple of months later when my mum asked what I’d been doing upstairs in my bedroom for the last two hours.

I think my favourite one is a story I wrote when I was about 9. I had got one of those soft exercise books and turned it into an illustrated “novel” called “The Haunted House of Ash Tree Avenue” about two children spying on a witch who lived at Number 69 Ash Tree Avenue (you can see where this is going; I had no idea).

One of the girls in the story got kidnapped by the witch. Writing from the perspective of the other girl, and in utter innocence, I penned: When I got to 69 I screamed, “I’m coming!”

I found it years later and nearly wet myself laughing.

And yes, at the time I wrote it I absolutely showed it to all my family and teachers. Nobody said a word.

An older girl at primary school told my friends and I that if we wore white socks it meant we were virgins. Obviously we had zero idea what she meant however the way she sneered told us being a virgin wasn't a good thing.
Saturday afternoon in C&A shopping with my Grandmother she picked up some school long socks for me.In white.
"I can't wear them Gran - they'll think I'm a virgin!" I shouted from the end of the aisle.

Ha, that's where a church upbringing can come in useful (for once).

Two of the mean girls were asking my friend if she was a virgin, so I just said yes, we all are.

Admitted later that I had no idea what it meant, but it couldn't be anything bad because Jesus's mother was one

@MrsTophamHat

I used to think "twat" was just a variation of "twit". So i told my mum that my little sister was messing with my Barbies and being a silly twat.

Me too! I actually only found out what it really meant in my 30s

Horrified to admit that as an adult in my thirties I had to be corrected for gently teasing a primary aged child who’d done something really silly and funny and saying “you silly nonce!”

I thought it was like silly billy.

The horror and red faced nature of all the adults in the room showed me I’d said something awful. I sent child off and said “what? What have I said?”

I had no idea a nonce was a paedophile. I thought it was like a nicer gentler version of a dunce.

I’m still so embarrassed.

PMSL @TheCrowening

I went through a stage of inventing names for myself (God knows why - I think because my real name is rather ordinary).

Once on holiday with my Mum when I was about 5, a guest in the same hotel asked me what my name was and I told him it was 'Little Muff'. My Mum just stared in disbelief and hastily told him my real name.

My sister came home from infant school and when asked if she'd had a good day replied

"Yes it was great we had sex today!"

Mum was pretty horrified but managed to ask her what she meant and she explained "secs, you know seconds, extra for lunch"

Grew up during a huge Just Say No To Drugs campaign.
Unfortunately US pharmacies at the time were (and probably still are) called drugstores, so I assumed that drugs of all sorts were illegal.
When my mum suggested going to the drugstore to pick up some mild painkillers she was baffled at my begging her not to because I didn't want her going to prison.
I was a very literal child.