The wholesome village Facebook page 🙄

[AngelicaElizaAndPeggy]

What's kicking off on yours this evening? A police car has just been spotted by someone who has eagerly reported it on our page- everyone is now going nuts in the comments but secretly I know for a fact they're all really nosey and want to know if the kids have set fire to the bus stop again.

Last week the same kids were all named and shamed in some CCTV footage from someone's doorbell cam and it all became hugely messy.

A mum has also been selling Christmas glasses that look like they're full of gin but are actually candles. You can have your name written on for an extra fiver.

Jingle bell shite here too. I have caused great offence by pointing out that it might upset the same animals that everyone is currently saying are distressed by fireworks. Oh, and I may have also said that it won't "help Santa" as he is a figment of the imagination. I will probably be banned by tomorrow.
Fortunately we live too far out of the village for anyone to notice when we fail to ring any bells at the appointed time. Enforced jollity can fuck right off.

There was a ready mix cement truck in the area so someone posted asking who ordered it. 'Bob' replied saying it was him and why did she ask? Oh she says, she works for a ready mix company so really he should have asked her for a comparison quote first, and would he like one. Bob replies no thank you seeing as its already been delivered. Cue yet another batshit resident who pipes up 'oh "Bob, do you now have another hole to fill'. Lots of shocked face replies but it never got deleted.

Lots of free to give away stuff. Aka I am too lazy to go dump the stuff so someone will surely want it. Used polystene is on offer at the moment, and someone else is selling old magazines.

We also have a bit of a debate as someone has asked and posted a picture of a door of a dresser and asking what wood it is. Noone can tell really as it seems to have 300 coats of varnish on it.

We have two groups. One is for security and the other is general chat. There are more posta on the security group telling people off for posting in the wrong group. And they can't see the irony in that. Quite often it gets so bad with heated remarks because a lost cat isn't a security matter you know Gladys, that the admins turn off posting. This is to tell everyone off and to teach us all a lesson.....failing to realize that if there is a genuine emergency, no one can post about it.

You never know what to expect from one day to the next.

Dogs off leash (it's illegal in Aus) and why is the helicopter flying around.

A man on our local Facebook page has posted about the gecko and huntsman in his house. He wants to know which one will be eaten by the other. He hopes the spider will be eaten first.

@SD1978 - you could literally be describing my local Facebook group! I thought the helicopter obsession was unique to us because we are close to the polair station. Even the cover photo for the group features a helicopter.
Current obsessions also seem to include hatred of the new childcare centre and complaints about any development applications for childcare centres.

New Zealand version:

-Does anyone know someone who could de horn 8 heifers , nearly 2 years old.

• Where to donate toys for needy kids at Christmas
• Lawnmowing recommendations please
• Lots of concern about the homeless man outside the local supermarket. Luckily he's got a ride to his Nana's house tomorrow but in the meantime he's being showered with bags of shopping.
• PARKING

-Advert for a Halloween disco with a photo of old people waltzing attached to it.

Best post I ever read went like this

I can hear the ice cream van, does anyone know where it is ? Asking for a friend

Some wag commented

It's in your head

@annetwackie - hahaha I'm in the group with the fruity language I think! Village begins with an L?

Dog poo
Dogs not on leads
Competition for most saintly samaritan conducted with politician style campaigning and unhinged levels of virtue signalling. Includes a list of local lockdown legends published weekly in village hall.
Complaints about bell ringers
Thanks for the bell ringers going to the church on the hour so the clock can strike 😂
Dossier longer than bible on trick or treat guidelines
Name and shame your cowboy tradesmen
Why have Hermes taken my parcel to the depot when I was CLEARLY in the front window all day

Sounds a bit like my local page before I was booted off! It's run by some locals who take it very seriously and in my opinion they often act aggressively if you put a foot wrong. I did in their sales and wants page for apparently not following one of their many rules that I missed. So I got booted off from both local pages. Others say they've been booted off by association which I well believe. Husband also booted off for something similar to me that he innocently did. Its pathetic! Their block list must be massive!!

My very small village has two groups which is hilarious because the admins hate each other and if you post something on one, you're not allowed to post it on the other.

The pub has just redone the menu and keeps posting pics of really unappetising food. It's all covered in greasy looking sauces.

There was a fight over dog poo not being picked up.

Pictures of some pumpkins
Drone found in back garden
Reminder if you're using the park not to park too close to the bins as they're struggling to get to to them to empty them
Bloody bell ringing for Santa
Fireworks, surely the youths could be doing better things on a Sunday night...
Warning of dog thefts

LTNs here too. Lots of heated and repetitive ‘debate’. Both sides accusing each other of bullying/thuggishness but failing to recognise that there is similar behaviour coming from their side too. Lots of badly written, overly emotive and clearly exaggerated anecdotes about either essential car journeys to deliver urgent xyz to elderly, shielding relatives taking 40 minutes instead of the pre LTN 5 mins, or about families enjoying cycling through the backstreets for the first time whilst listening to bird song and no longer needing to stop to use their asthma pumps every 3 mins.
Lots of pictures of traffic jams or empty streets.

Someone knocked over the flower pots outside a pub and shock horror they were an adult.
A picture of a man walking down the street with a bucket on his head with eye holes cut out. Some uncharitable comments about the man which were shot down by his daughter but no explanation about the bucket.
A woman saying free meals should not be served in church halls as it puts non religious people off. Big arguement over this.
We're going into Tier 3 Thurs and I think we've all gone completely bonkers.

[quote longcoffee]@TheHighestSardine according to Wikipedia it's:

'One who travels back in time. (psychotherapy) One who carries out regressions, inducing a patient to act out behaviour typical of an earlier developmental stage.'

Which sounds about the standard sort of recommendation we get asked about. I'm not usually much help 😬[/quote]
Ohhhh. I was misreading it as "Recommendations [of things to do to/for] a regressionist". Makes a lot more sense that someone was looking for one.

Two here - one is all 'ah hun you are the bestest' and the other they feckin HATE each other. I can see why when all 6 admins are thundering ones but it usually starts with 'does anyone own the little shits throwing eggs at cars' and is responded by all of the little shits 'parents' who defend their offspring by pointing out that 'sure there is nothing else for them to do'. It goes from there. I am literally only on both pages because I have no life.

Small town Canada:

-Videos of teens congregating “do you know where your children are??”
-Lost dogs
-“I saw someone wearing a mask while driving alone. Haha. I’m a witty political commentator for pointing it out” at least twice a day. Always once by the same stupid twat.
-“I changed my internet provider and they took away my Facebook.” People ask how she’s posting this. “I don’t know but it isnt mine and it looks different”. Finally established that she’d changed her profile pic. Still thinks it’s the internet providers fault and won’t be told otherwise.
-Does Costco have in stock?
-What time does Walmart open?
-One lady asked for a year about once a week whether she should leave her husband. I presume he wasn’t in the group. Then when she did, she began posting every few days about how their co-parenting was going. So many people recommended she stop sharing this in a public forum but she gets very upset about being censored so nobody does now.
-daily COVID numbers (we’re in double figures now, so “it’s doubled!!!” gets posted a lot)
-what are the police/ambulance/fire/helicopter out for?
-the timing of our traffic lights. They are incredibly slow, but I’ve been here 5 years and they haven’t changed. Just now and then everyone gets mightily angry and says they will vote for the next mayor that says they will fix it. Every mayor mentions fixing this in their plan. It can’t be fixed.
-which school is the best one.

The dog poo police people, who sometimes take a photo of where the poo is done in the village. and on one occasion the poo spotter posted to ask who's dog did this, as in did they recognise the pile.!!

A woman posted a photo from her garden, of the grey cloudy sky, after the bit of sun had gone. It's a small village here, and she thinks her sky is different to all the other houses and gardens.

Thought I'd jump in with the Hong Kong edition of this:

1. "No trick or treating this year please due to Covid" - followed by random suggestions instead for each person to leave 3 bags of sweets outside their apartment door that say "you've been boo'ed" - anyone who takes them has to then put 3 bags of their own outside their door and create a chain. The clear issue with this is that we all live in apartment blocks where you can't actually access a floor that you don't live on unless you happen to have a master keycard or want to be photographed and shamed in this same group for "suspiciously trying to access private parts of the building"... so I assume this bright idea will be dying a death fairly soon.

1. "Lost dog - skittish and recently rescued so scared of people - last seen on a trail 2 km away which is in a thick wooded area behind the beach that is almost impossible to access unless you wade through 4 feet of sea water. Anyone seen him?"

1. "Can anyone recommend a good full time nursery?" No love, we cant - all schools are on half days at the moment given covid.

1. "Where can I buy ?" Cue 45 responses all saying "Fusion" because, believe it or not, its the only western supermarket in the area...

1. "I'm sacking my domestic helper. She's spent the last 3 years washing, cooking, cleaning and generally looking after 2 adults, 3 kids under 5 and a dog for the minimum wage of HKD 4,360 per month (around £4300). Comes with recommendations, but we think she'd like a quieter role next" - yeah, no shit sherlock...

1. Lots of offers to sell handmade Christmas tat to expats. Most of it covered in glitter and plastic.

1. Then we have the racist posts from the locals - "I'm disgusted at how many people from a CERTAIN RACE arent wearing masks in the street - i wont say which race, but you know who i mean". Usually followed by loads of white people commenting to explain that we do, indeed, know who you mean, and it's a bit of a statement to make really because absolutely everyone wears a mask at all times here unless they are exercising, and given that in our area the prevelance of runners who are white is signifcantly higher than locals, it kind of makes sense that there are more white pepole not wearing masks in the street.

1. And my favourite one of today - a picture of packaged aubergines from the supermarket with a complaint about the amount of plastic. This is a major issue that I agree with, but most of the comments say things like "well i'm glad they are covered in plastic now because it means I can dsinfect the plastic and not have to wash the aubergine in dettol again"...

Oh I forgot! The poppy police have started. "Nobody better put up any Christmas decorations before remembrance day. It's disrespectful." Nobody has. It's not even been bloody Halloween. A few service members have said they're fine with it and don't think it's disrespectful, but the poppy lady is ready to get full on offended, so DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

We've had a "who's letting off fireworks, my canary is going mad" post this week 🤣

Ours is suspiciously full of 'can anyone recommend a local pumpkin patch' requests, and the answer is always the new one that opened up last week ....

Ours has gone political - the local MP voted against extending free school meals and the whole group is up in arms about it. There's an ongoing row about what car he drives (a "friend" insists the mercedes is actually his parent's) and his comments on how he can't afford to buy a house on his salary.

The arguments are spectacular.

Many Lockdown Kittens are now grown up and starting to roam and not necessarily choosing to return to their original homes. Owner usually says “they were wearing a pink/tartan/blue/bell collar” but of course the cat sacked that off the second they were out the door.

Local chippy owner asked if everyone WHO IS NOT EXEMPT AND YOU WILL NOT BE QUESTIONED IF YOU DO NOT WEAR ONE could please wear a mask. Cue outraged comments about what right does he have to know everyone’s medical details? When that’s not what he said at all.

Bit of road that always floods flooded again. Cars still driving through it. Cars then still getting stuck in it.

There isn't one FB page for where I live. There are dozens. All about different topics. The busiest one is probably the parents page. Last night someone posted on there about someone roaming around in people's gardens and by this morning the post was gone.