What’s the most mortifying situation you’ve ever found yourself in?

[RosieLemonade]

I was once round my MIL and FILs having Christmas drinks when MILs affair came out. It was excruciating. All the (adult) children were crying and I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. DH wouldn’t come home because he wanted to stay with his dad so I just keep making cups of tea and doing washing up! what’s been your most mortifying situation.

@ZiggZagg did you get the job though??

I was visiting an older relative whose house is terrifyingly spotless - everything is white or cream and beige, everything gleams and there's never a speck of dust anywhere.

We were getting ready to leave and I nipped to the loo in his downstairs toilet which like everywhere else is carpeted in WHITE. I was on my period - one of the early, very heavy days - and as I stood up to wipe and put in a new tampon, a massive clot slid out and went splat onto the white carpet by the toilet!

Obviously I immediately wiped it up with loo roll but there was a very obvious, very red stain left behind. There was no way I could pretend it wasn't me because my relative's partner is post menopause, so after I'd sorted myself out I looked around for something to clean it up with. In MY bathroom there's always some bleach behind the loo and often an old cloth or sponge or something under the sink but oh no! Like most clean freaks, these people apparently liked to pretend that their house becomes gleamingly clean by magic, and keep all cleaning materials out of sight! It wasn't a full bathroom, just a loo with a little basin, and there was nothing. Literally the only products available to me were the liquid hand soap, and loo roll.

So I did my best, but obviously the loo roll was shedding bits and the soap really wasn't up to the challenge, plus I was becoming painfully aware of how long I was spending in there and how dodgy that seemed lol. I finally got it to a point where the stain wasn't red anymore, more of a kind of yellow-y brown which was probably worse 🤢 , mopped it dry as best I could, came out and made a quick 'Oh no, gosh is that the time' type escape, hoping that maybe by the time they noticed it they would blame it on my DC or their grandkids or something!

But it honestly serves them right for having white carpet in a toilet because why would you do that?

Went to a post office to sort out our tv license, waited ages while the line behind was getting bigger and bigger but finally it was my turn. Lady behind the counter asked if it was black and white? no, it’s silver. She asked again, no it’s silver, 32 inch blah blah but it’s definitely silver. She said no dear the picture colour is it black and white as it’s cheaper if it is. How the heck was I supposed to know people still had b&w TVs! Everyone behind me heard and I was so embarrassed.

@HelpOrHindrance 'Looks like rain today' has made me cry-laugh!

I've just had a moment right now. Young broadband salesman at door. I starting laughing at something he said and did a huge snort... which hopefully covered the sound of the accompanying little popfart.

I've posted this before but one time I was in the gym changing rooms, rushing to change for my class. I was trying to shove my leg into my gym leggings but there was a blockage. Suddenly my foot shot through the end, propelling before it a pair of worn pants which must have still been in there. They flew through the air and LANDED IN SOMEONE ELSE'S BAG.

OMG I wanted to die. She handed them back with a look of utter disgust (unsurprisingly).

@ZiggZagg

About 5 years ago, I had a job interview for somewhere I was desperate to work. Was so nervous as I really wanted it. Thought I did well at the interview. At the end, all four interviewers stood up to shake my hand, fine until I got to the last one who was sat in an awkward position. Grabbed her hand like we were holding hands, instead of apologizing and offering her my other hand I proceeded to skip on the spot whilst still holding her hand and swinging them

I spat out the tea I was drinking! Now I need to change my top

I threw a surprise party at my ex's new work place ( tattoo and piercing parlour ) on his first day of work. He dumped me over text whilst his manager had me hid in his cupboard. He opened the door to what must've looked a deranged sight with me holding a birthday cake and a naked flame coming from a lighter in the dark. Still makes me cringe now 8 years later. We are good friends now but god it makes me cringe.

😂 this thread has made the laugh for the first time in a long time!

OMG, thank you all. You have moved me from crying to laughing! Literally out loud, and DH has also enjoyed/empathised/sympathised with the tales of mortification - he's married to me after all, he's had his fair share!

I had a really bad experience with alcohol (possibly spiked) at uni. I was totally out of it and fell right down the steps of the building (Steve Biko building in Manchester if anyone knows it) leaving an imprint of the pavement in my forehead. Then I threw up in my friend's kitchen sink. Her flat mates were better behaved than us lot and were horrified. That night I was hallucinating eye balls on the wall shooting lasers at me, my friends admitted that it scared them, they weren't sure what was going on. It took 2 days to puke and sleep whatever it was off.

Many years ago I had a gynae surgery, I came round pretty groggy after reacting badly to the painkillers I had been given.
The nurse looked really familiar and I was struggling to place where I knew her from. She helped me to the loo which was all rather undignified and asked if I was sure I didn't mind her taking me. It was only after that it dawned she was an ex boyfriends mum from my teenage years. I was too poorly to be mortified at the time, she was absolutely lovely though and a total professional.

I also poo'd myself in McDonald's It was not long after DS1 was born and things were still not quite ok downstairs. I slunk off to the loo, wrapped my knickers in toilet roll and binned them, wiped as best as I could and put my luckily unsoiled jeans back on. I don't think anyone knew but still. I couldn't wait to grab my order and go home!

Name changed for this as it's bad!

At a very naice wedding. Sitting after the meal when I suddenly did a tiny fart. Had no warning it was going to happen and realised with horror that it felt like I had followed through. Jumped up to go to the bathroom, looked down and there was a MASSIVE shite stain ALL over the seat and halfway up the back of the white chair cover!! It was everywhere, like baby diarrhoea. Didnt know what else to do so just sat back down on it. Spent the next hour begging my mum/sister/boyfriend to set off the fire alarm so everyone would evacuate the building so I could hide the chair cover & run to the toilet. It was just AWFUL.

@Notashandyta

Right- I've never shared this with anyone but my husband and brother.

I'd just had my second child in less than a year a few months earlier. Been suffering with constipation. Stupidly took 3 dulcolax instead of the recommended one, thinking wouldnt go anywhere that day.

Early afternoon my husband said, the kids will be napping, why don't you go and treat yourself to a bit of clothes shopping downtown. Great, I thought. Was halfway between debenhams and primark when the urge came over me. I really needed to go.

I ran for it to mcdonalds, which wasnt far away, just up the high street. Hooded it up the stairs but it was too late. The most awful diarrhoea came machine gunning out of my bum and running down my legs. There was so much of it. The worst thing was I started what I can only describe as panicked screaming as I hit the top floor. I dread to think of the buggers looking up , mid burger, to see me running along towards the toilets with poo all along the floor behind me.
Please, please believe me I am no poo troll and not making this up. It was the worst afternoon ever. I had to take off my bottom half of clothes and stick them in the sanitary waste bin. Then I had to call my husband who stoically drove down with a chance of clothes for me. Waiting for him was terrible. Women/ girls were coming in going "what is that smell? It smells of shit and bleach" and I had to hide and wait, knowing full well some poor mcdonalds worker had had to come along and clean all that up, and possible deal with complaints from the customers who were sat there when I propelled my way up the stairs.
Absolutely terrible.
And my poor loyal husband. Walked into the ladies with a head held high, despite the stink, then waited outside the toilets for me while I got dressed. I actually couldn't believe he was there actually, I would've brought the clothes and scarped back to the car.
I then came out at the worst possible time, with three young teens in there, looking me and up and down in disgust as I washed my hands. One theatrically had her hands holding her nose. I isnt make eye contact.

The bloody horror.

Funniest one yet 😭

@Rockmehardplace

Name changed for this as it's bad!

At a very naice wedding. Sitting after the meal when I suddenly did a tiny fart. Had no warning it was going to happen and realised with horror that it felt like I had followed through. Jumped up to go to the bathroom, looked down and there was a MASSIVE shite stain ALL over the seat and halfway up the back of the white chair cover!! It was everywhere, like baby diarrhoea. Didnt know what else to do so just sat back down on it. Spent the next hour begging my mum/sister/boyfriend to set off the fire alarm so everyone would evacuate the building so I could hide the chair cover & run to the toilet. It was just AWFUL.

OMG the shame, that’s hilarious 🤣 crying laughing

My dog stole a walking stick. Mortified is not even the word.

So this was years ago when people still smoked cigarettes in naice restaurants. Office party, people dressed in suits, people standing at the bar smoking. Big Boss comes up to me and asks me for a light. I reach into my purse and pull out what I think is my lighter, holding it up to his cigarette. Ha ha no, it's my lipstick. We both have a laugh.

I then reach into my purse, pull out my lighter again and hold it up to his cigarette. Only this time it's a Tampax.

I turned bright red, turned around and RAN.

@Northernsoullover I'm actually weak laughing here. I haven't laughed out loud in so bloody long these are brilliant. Just what I needed

@wildforthenight thats brilliant! I bet you made those lads day!

Oh my goodness @MsKeats, I'm sorry that happened to you but it made me wheeze laugh like Mutley!

I've found I'm oddly complimentary when coming out of sedation, last time I told the nursing staff how nice their hats were and what a lovely time I was having.

Possibly my recreational drug taking days 20 years ago mean I'm amenable to any drug now.

Gave a delivery driver a full on view of bra and boobs. Stupidly decided on delivery day to wear my work blouse instead of the tee shirt we also had. Delivery driver pulls up, really nice guy who I always made a coffee for and had a little chat with. He pulls the delivery in and about 5 of the cages wouldn't go into the stock room so he leaves them in the corridor. Did his usual of securing the Truck back up and asking for a coffee. I went upstairs to make us both one and on the way back out because I had a cup in both hands I ended up catching the button on one of the cages. Didn't think anything to it until whilst we were talking and I could see him desperately trying to avert his eyes. Thought it was strange as he always kept eye contact whilst we were talking. Then he was like erm your top has come undone. Me thinking it was just a top button glances down and notices it open pretty much down to my bellybutton. I nearly died on the spot. We are actually together now and no it wasn't the flashing of the boobs that did it although he did say that on that day he wanted to look a lot more than the quick glimpse he got before looking away.

Was lonely and desperate and hooking up with a friend. Halfway through a blowjob and I took a quick break to change position and he grabbed his phone. I asked what he was doing and he said he was checking for messages from his mum.

That was probably my lowest, most humiliating moment - that he was so uninterested in me that he thought of that halfway through oral sex. Took me a long time to wise up to the fact he didn't give any sort of shit about me in any way, shape or form! Hard lesson learnt about that loser

@HartnellAvenue

Was lonely and desperate and hooking up with a friend. Halfway through a blowjob and I took a quick break to change position and he grabbed his phone. I asked what he was doing and he said he was checking for messages from his mum.

That was probably my lowest, most humiliating moment - that he was so uninterested in me that he thought of that halfway through oral sex. Took me a long time to wise up to the fact he didn't give any sort of shit about me in any way, shape or form! Hard lesson learnt about that loser

I wonder if it was the same friend I hooked up with who stopped mid-act when he got an SMS message, and then got annoyed that I got dressed and left without saying a word

I was once in a consultation with my spinal surgeon who I was seeing due to two slipped discs in my neck.

He was a very professional, awkward sort of chap, who wasn't one for seeing the funny side of things.

He asked me how my arm was feeling, and in my head I wanted to describe that it felt like I was walking around with a dumbbell in my hand.

What I actually came out of my mouth was that it was like walking around with a bellend in my hand.

As soon as I said it I knew I had got it wrong. I went to laugh but he didn't join me. I stopped laughing and just stood there. It was a bloody awkward silence after that let me tell you.