DH's obsession or whatever. It's not normal is it.. what should I do?

[NewSchmooo]

Today there was a mix up at work with my shifts and I came home from work only 45 minutes after I'd left.

I found my DH of 7 years naked on the bed surrounded by all the stainless steel kicten implements that we possess and rubbing a knife sharpener gently up and down an intimate area of his body. He was very aroused. He even had pot pourii candles burning and soft lighting.

I knew something was amiss as soon as I came in because it was so quiet and I just had this intinct but I had been putting the bin out for tomorrow so came in through the conservatory and he didn't hear. I just opened the bedroom door (we live in a bungalow) and there he was.

I know its not another woman but what do I do about this. And the softlighting and stuff; he hasn't made that much effort with me for years.

I don't know what to do. Has anyone ever heard on this? A knife sharpener for goodness sake. I feel sick. Have obviously changed my name for this.

I don't normally email him Speccy and we communicate just fine just not about the fucking of kitchenware surprisingly enough. And I can't go in there so email will do. Next step is his.

I lol at your email.
If I was going to shag some kitchen implements I would def prefer Lakeland to Argos myself. Much more exclusive.

I think you should suggest he gets a cheap set of pans and utensils - maybe from Woolies. You simply can't have him using your decent Lakeland stuff - what would Michelle (RIP) say?

...waiting with baited breath...

no this is absolute bollocks sorry

you bunch of suckers

she's really going to send an email to her husband which begins with a diatribe about the quality of the kitchenware he is pleasuring himself with

this was from the get go

soft lights schmoft lights

This is genius

And the milk pan?!! Genius. I take my hat off.

dear god, please tell me that you will get new for cooking with. Remember, the lakeland stuff, however nice, has been used...

Well I liked the lakeland set too. Once.

He had obviously been "using" the garlic press. It was in his other hand. The pictures keep flashing thro my mind.

Marthamoo - pmsl at you ref to poor saintly Michelle. (not at Michelle, obviuously)

Will someone please tell me how you 'use' a garlic press? I just don't get it.

Message withdrawn

This can't be a wind up, I've googled it ffs!

When you replace the garlic press, don't get one of those Garlic Cards - they're crap but then..no, shut up Weeble.

i don't know what the garlic press could be for but I am tortured by the image of it in his gloved left hand. And his eyes screwed shut.

He must have read the email. that pc makes the noise of Homer Simpson when an email arrives; you can't miss it. I am nervous. I don't want him to come our here. I need to be in control.

I think NewSchmoo is Victoria Wood. Or possibly Alan Bennett.

it's probably because it feels cold blimey schmoo!

Though, regards Lakeland, you could send in one of those "satisfied customer" letters that they dot extracts from throughout the catalogue...

Dear Lakeland,

I'd just like to say how much I have enjoyed rubbing your knife sharpener/milk pan/Zyliss garlic press [I assume it's a Zyliss] up and down my throbbing manhood. It enables me to finish the job in half the time!

Sincerely,

NewSchmoooo's dh.

Who is Alan Bennett?

Oh God I just got mail

Awaits reply with baited breath.

Really - A wind up of this quality - are your cuffs snot-ridden?

Please do tell

When he comes in hold a sieve in front of your face. Play him at his own game

Hmmmm that stirred me...shoudl I be worried? I've always enjoyed new pans...never thought of taking them to the bedroom mind..does sex on the worktop count?

can you see any outcome where you can be okay with this?

I know you are in shock but how bad is it really?

It's a secret and he uses your stuff but he is not hurting or betraying you.