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Original poster

Center Parcs - I thought it was to be kept within my marriage

231 replies

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 17/10/2019 17:09

My family are currently at Center Parcs because we are Scottish, on holiday and we come every year.

Dd ages 15 and add age 13 and I went to the pool at Center Parcs at the busiest time of the week and we are somewhat regretting this choice. It was like people soup, and I have seen every body shape imaginable today ( and honestly no-one cares I know, I cart this awful body around). Anyway, the rapids are our favourite, however it’s possible to get stuck at various points ( we give them names - The pool of unbearable sadness, Dumpy Mermaid gulch, the eddy of despair etc) and at those points it’s possible to get split up from your own friends and family and end up engulfed in the arms and legs of other parties....suffice to say, what happens at Center Parcs stays at Center Parcs, and I suspect some lovely young mid twenties boys who go to the gym may have been turned off women for life.....

I knew that a certain amount of specific intimacy is expected at Center Parcs, however I thought it was supposed to be with my husband and not some student boys from Stafford in the rapids....

OP posts:
Original poster
BathshebaKnickerStickers · 12/10/2021 20:48

Back at Elveden at the moment. Very polite young man suggested I go in front of him on the rapids. I advised him that really wasn’t a good idea and gave him a 30 second gap. Literally at one point let a family of 14 past me as I was in full legitimate beached whale mode.

No intimate contact with strangers thankfully

OP posts:
Dustingiseasy · 12/10/2021 21:05

@Redshoesandtheblues

My family are currently at Center Parcs because we are Scottish

🤣

I'm hilariously bemused at the connection!

It’s our half term
Sn0tnose · 12/10/2021 21:31

We’re going to Elveden next year. I can’t swim, I’m incredibly clumsy, I hate water going up my nose and if I have to haul myself over anything then it’s just not happening. I assume I’m best off avoiding the rapids?

Faircastle · 12/10/2021 21:33

@BathshebaKnickerStickers I'm impressed at your dedication. I was reading through this thread, vicariously enjoying the anecdotes, and saw one that I had posted - a memory that I had fully repressed until this evening.

Laiste · 12/10/2021 21:47

Never been on the rapids, but friend and i ran into trouble a couple of years ago at the shallow end of a ''beach pool'' when they turned the waves on at the far end.

We were sitting chatting in 2 inches of water and was amused to hear the warning siren come on. Being in the shallows we awaited the gentle lapping of waves but instead got hit smack in the faces by a tsunami which took us both onto our backs, legs in the air, smashed against the wall and washed back round into the shallows. With being in hysterics plus the relentless pounding of the waves we simply couldn't get upright.

We rolled around in the surf with tits and arses alternatively surfacing for a good 5 minutes. And this was right in front of the glass wall of the cafe - full of bemused onlookers Blush When it finally stopped we stood up, adjusted ourselves and walked quietly away.

Tailendofsummer · 12/10/2021 21:57

I'm trying to work out if this is enjoyable or not. You don't have to do it do you, they don't actually round you up and fire you down the rapids?
I'm Scottish but we're too poor for CP, just a caravan for us this half term Grin

CloudsOfCeonothus · 12/10/2021 22:02

@Laiste

Never been on the rapids, but friend and i ran into trouble a couple of years ago at the shallow end of a ''beach pool'' when they turned the waves on at the far end.

We were sitting chatting in 2 inches of water and was amused to hear the warning siren come on. Being in the shallows we awaited the gentle lapping of waves but instead got hit smack in the faces by a tsunami which took us both onto our backs, legs in the air, smashed against the wall and washed back round into the shallows. With being in hysterics plus the relentless pounding of the waves we simply couldn't get upright.

We rolled around in the surf with tits and arses alternatively surfacing for a good 5 minutes. And this was right in front of the glass wall of the cafe - full of bemused onlookers Blush When it finally stopped we stood up, adjusted ourselves and walked quietly away.

Brilliant! GrinGrinGrin Chuckling out loud here. Needed that laugh, thanks Laiste. I can picture it perfectly.
YesitsBess · 12/10/2021 22:11

I love this thread. I haven't been to CP for years and this has given me violent flashbacks and laughter that has endiled with undignified coughing.

Turtle leg lady, chicken fillet 'o' feesh (for my wife) and hairy man have all compounded with Dumpy mermaid gulch and I am undone.

YesitsBess · 12/10/2021 22:11

Endiled? Yes autocorrect, that is the commonly typed word I was aiming for...

SmaugMum · 12/10/2021 22:26

@LeekMunchingSheepShagger

I have never been to centre parks and now i don't want to
I have never been to Center Paris and now I really want to.
SmaugMum · 12/10/2021 22:26

Center Parcs, obviously, but Paris will do as a poor substitute.

YesitsBess · 12/10/2021 22:28

Yes but does Paris have rapids? No, it has stupid river with zero opportunity for collisions I can laugh at.

stayathomer · 12/10/2021 22:31

Op are you Marian keyes? If not her Twitter would be right up your alley! Great post hope it all comes good in the end!!

Garriet · 12/10/2021 22:35

I’m glad this has been revived because I missed it the first time and I’m crying with laughter at some of the tales.

I remember a friend of mine going down the water slides, rounding a corner to see a woman inexplicably stuck ahead of him, so on inst8nct he opened his legs.

Inevitable collision, his legs went either side of her waist, fully wrapped around each other they then continued to slide downwards for the most awkward twenty seconds of his life.

I still think of that often misty giggles

PrincessNutella · 12/10/2021 22:38

my oh my!

TertiusLydgate · 12/10/2021 22:42

My lovely young 23-year-old son is off to Centre Parcs soon with his mates.

I won't show him this thread Grin

drainsdrains · 12/10/2021 22:47

This thread is gold. Oh, tears down my face.

A flume was my downfall at a water park in Spain. Took my bikini top straight off right in front of seriously good looking, seriously tanned young Spanish lifeguard. His face suggested that he wasn't expecting to see a saggy top shelf right in his eye line... mortified.

Waitwhat23 · 12/10/2021 22:55

HOW is this thread not in Classics. Reading it for the first time and absolutely howling with laughter! I think my favourites are the stepmother who rode a man down the rapids and the horrified elderly man whose scrotum was cm from the posters face!

ImTheOnlyUpsyOne · 12/10/2021 23:04

Lol I really miss Centre Parcs

KristinAmandaThomas · 12/10/2021 23:10

Never seen this thread before, it’s pure gold! My DD is sleeping in with me and I’ve had to shove a wedge of duvet in my mouth to muffle my laughter so I don’t disturb her. Keep the comedy rapids stories coming people!

52andblue · 12/10/2021 23:14

@JellyfishAndShells

I have never been but thought Center Parcs was all about cycling along through dappled woods, merry laughter coming from your photogenic family. Crikey.
It's SO not!!!
toomuchlaundry · 12/10/2021 23:18

Loving this thread! How do you nominate for Classics?

I am missing CP

YesitsBess · 12/10/2021 23:23

At Guildford Spectrum they have a helpful lifeguard/shame attendant who pulls you round the last bend on one of the watersides (the one where you have to ride on a ring so you are essentially a hefty donut topping) using a long pole if you are too slow (fat) to get round said bend under your own steam.

To add insult to injury there is always a huge line of children waiting at the end to claim ownership of a shame donut. All watching you have to be hauled round by a teenager who probably doesn't get paid enough to be hauling people round a corner with a pole.

Winecheesesleep · 12/10/2021 23:24

@Laiste

Never been on the rapids, but friend and i ran into trouble a couple of years ago at the shallow end of a ''beach pool'' when they turned the waves on at the far end.

We were sitting chatting in 2 inches of water and was amused to hear the warning siren come on. Being in the shallows we awaited the gentle lapping of waves but instead got hit smack in the faces by a tsunami which took us both onto our backs, legs in the air, smashed against the wall and washed back round into the shallows. With being in hysterics plus the relentless pounding of the waves we simply couldn't get upright.

We rolled around in the surf with tits and arses alternatively surfacing for a good 5 minutes. And this was right in front of the glass wall of the cafe - full of bemused onlookers Blush When it finally stopped we stood up, adjusted ourselves and walked quietly away.

So funny Grin

Love this thread!

TheOrigRights · 12/10/2021 23:30

The pool of unbearable sadness, Dumpy Mermaid gulch, the eddy of despair

Straight out of Anne of Green Gables Grin

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