Center Parcs - I thought it was to be kept within my marriage

[BathshebaKnickerStickers]

My family are currently at Center Parcs because we are Scottish, on holiday and we come every year.

Dd ages 15 and add age 13 and I went to the pool at Center Parcs at the busiest time of the week and we are somewhat regretting this choice. It was like people soup, and I have seen every body shape imaginable today ( and honestly no-one cares I know, I cart this awful body around). Anyway, the rapids are our favourite, however it’s possible to get stuck at various points ( we give them names - The pool of unbearable sadness, Dumpy Mermaid gulch, the eddy of despair etc) and at those points it’s possible to get split up from your own friends and family and end up engulfed in the arms and legs of other parties....suffice to say, what happens at Center Parcs stays at Center Parcs, and I suspect some lovely young mid twenties boys who go to the gym may have been turned off women for life.....

I knew that a certain amount of specific intimacy is expected at Center Parcs, however I thought it was supposed to be with my husband and not some student boys from Stafford in the rapids....

My other favourite bit was when the staff cocked up the settings and put the waves in some kind of super vigorous mode the first time it started. Then there was much whistle blowing and running around and I overheard " go and see what it's set to!"

Then the waves mysteriously stopped... They just played the Tarzan noise again and carried on like nothing happened.

I love this thread! I have so been there, face first in a mans arse crack who I didn't know!

Never laughed so hard though. Me and the DC LOVE it. Woburn!

I went on the tropic cyclone at Elveden this summer. Was like being flushed down the toilet. Scary as shite.

Was like being flushed down the toilet.

This surely needs to be on classics! Literally crying 😂

Sat reading this to DH, who's saying "tell them the story of me and DS..."

So on a similar theme, the CP changing room flash...

Our youngest DC was a runner, obsessed with opening and shutting doors and generally a slippery character at 2 years old. Half naked and even more slippery due to swimming in toddler CP soup our floppy haired angelic (looking) child finds the £1 for the locker... of course choking hazard would've been my concern but this wee chap fancies flinging the £1 from inside the locker so it can travel, like the fastest rolling thing ever, under the changing room gap and away to freedom.
DH, not thinking this through and being totally naked bar the towel races after it...

All I can say is that nobody got hurt but if anyone saw a pink transilvanian devil tattooed bottom, a man pleading with a locked door with one hand protecting his bits then I apologise.

Also who ever got the £1 then he's still looking for you!

DH would also like to point and that he's actually a very important man. (And special, I might add!)

We had our first and last trip to Longleat CP several years ago with teen DC. I got stuck on the edge of a whirlpool and simply couldn't escape despite hundreds of body parts being thrust in my face. Eventually, on his third time of passing, DH grabbed the back of my swimsuit and hauled me out. I didn't go in again....I sat drinking wine and reading whilst the family got intimately acquainted with others in the pools.

I went down Longleat rapids on my own (DS left with DH as too young). I put my big toe up some blokes crevice.

It's the lack of control. Once you hoik your lardy arse (in my case) up and over the ridge at the start of the rapids, which was a feat in itself, you literally have no control of your fate. It's in the will of the Gods from that point forward.

How are the lifeguards not in a constant state of hysteria....

Are they immune to the slapstick that is a lumpen middle aged mum careering uncontrollably into a tangled mass of lean superdry shorted boys and bikini clad angels...

In hindsight the guy watching as we all hoiked over the ridge did have a fairly amused expression...

Now I know why!

Any ones further round probably get a better view - I also noticed as we walked past outside that there are strategically placed mirrors along the rapids so they can see any chaos/stuck mums/ detached children building up further down..

When I was a thing slip of a thing a hundred years ago me and the then BF went to Florida.

I was going down a water slide and, at high speed, shot over the top of it at a turn, I was totally terrified.
Luckily I landed on the next bit that was underneath where I took off. Unluckily for some poor bloke I landed on him.
Poor man, lying on his back sliding down, minding his own business, when from the skies a screaming, flailing woman heading straight towards him.
My coccyx was bruised for months. Not sure about his.

Oh my Coco that gave me the heebie jeebies just reading it. 😱

It was at Disney as well, we just left the ride and carried on with our day. Now I'd sue them .

Bananas - hairy backs

My DC are in their thirties now, but we used to go yearly with them. This thread has had me laughing myself stupid and cringing at my own memories. The worst wasn't on the rapids but the flume. I got stuck on a dryish bit about halfway down and couldn't get speed back up. Situation solved when a solid bloke came barrelling into me hairy legs akimbo, and we spent the rest of the ride down with me locked between his legs until we dropped into the pool all tangled up. I never saw if the rest of him was hairy - I was so mortified I didn't look round and escaped from the water as fast as I could. Happy days.
We went without DC once but it wasn't half as much fun.

What is this.. bizarre nudey rapids madness??

This thread has come at best/ worst time for me depending on how you view it.. I just finished teaching and changed jobs and delightedly declared to best friend I can now finally join in with a CP trip not in term time! We are booking for Jan!

I was really looking forward to it but now, WTF!

Embrace it..!! You get the chance to absolutely legitimately get in very close and intimate contact with

Guys like your husband
Guys nothing like your husband
Women like you
Women nothing like you
The young nimble teenage children of these people.
The 6 - 10 year old children of these people
Possibly their grandfather
Other random people
All oh humanity.

You might just be brushed by, you might entangle limbs, you might be more intimate than you have been with your husband for years.

There are limbs to get entangled but also fingers and toes and faces which can easily become entwined with very polite and apologetic strangers.

To be fair as long as you apologise all the way down as a chant, it can be quite a thrill with strangers who probably have nice houses

Worst cp memory ever: rounding a corner on the rapids and hearing ‘hello miss’ from a year 11. Don’t know who got out of the water faster. It was never mentioned again.

I think we need a special Mumsnet wave/nod sign for next October's compulsory CP week. Just in case you're stuck in dumpy mermaid gulch and need to signal for assistance/wine or to find your swimsuit/child/husband.

I didn't realise the bumsex at CP was inadvertent.

Just to let you know that we are back at Center Parcs and the rapids are now BRILLIANT. You can only go down in family groups so you can only wrap your legs around your own husband and children...!!!

I nearly bloody drowned and DD who was 3 at the time got swept off!

Random (very handsome) toned and tanned man grabbed her. I'm a shit swimmer anyway but that was off the bloody scale.

She loved it - shrieking - do it AGAIN Mummmmmmyyy!

We went to centre parcs as a big family group. I refused to go on the rapids with my parents in law, couldn’t cope with the level of intimacy it brings (but can cope when it’s strangers I will hopefully never see again or even DSs year 3 teacher)

When I went on them I was on my period. I had no idea how fucking intense they were and never thought it was possible for a tampon to shoot out before ... until then! I’ve never been so fucking scared on a water ride until then

To be fair as long as you apologise all the way down as a chant, it can be quite a thrill with strangers who probably have nice houses

😂😂😂😂