Center Parcs - I thought it was to be kept within my marriage

[BathshebaKnickerStickers]

My family are currently at Center Parcs because we are Scottish, on holiday and we come every year.

Dd ages 15 and add age 13 and I went to the pool at Center Parcs at the busiest time of the week and we are somewhat regretting this choice. It was like people soup, and I have seen every body shape imaginable today ( and honestly no-one cares I know, I cart this awful body around). Anyway, the rapids are our favourite, however it’s possible to get stuck at various points ( we give them names - The pool of unbearable sadness, Dumpy Mermaid gulch, the eddy of despair etc) and at those points it’s possible to get split up from your own friends and family and end up engulfed in the arms and legs of other parties....suffice to say, what happens at Center Parcs stays at Center Parcs, and I suspect some lovely young mid twenties boys who go to the gym may have been turned off women for life.....

I knew that a certain amount of specific intimacy is expected at Center Parcs, however I thought it was supposed to be with my husband and not some student boys from Stafford in the rapids....

@moobar - sounds like just what I'm looking for, a nice glass of wine while enjoying the view sounds even better. 

I've just had to watch a YouTube video to try to understand what this is like. Have been on a rapids type thing at a water park abroad, but we all sat on big rubber rings so there was minimal contact!

This is genuinely one of the funniest threads I've ever read on here

I'm telling DH when he's home from work that's we must book, as Haven go-ers I feel like it just doesn't compare!

This has made me laugh, I want to go back to CP now!

If you live in Anywhere don’t book Elveden...!!!! We are now stuck in traffic in Cambridge trying to get to Lancashire for a stopover..!

This is a brilliant thread OP. Next year you need to take a GoPro and do Instagram stories. Not laughed this much in ages. Hope the traffic clears soon for you.

As an aside - I don't think I've ever laughed so much as I have going down the rapids. It might just be sheer panic of what might be about to happen or what horrors you might accidentally see, but I could barely stand up for laughing each time I've been down those rapids.

The M25 is moving, which is a pleasant surprise..... (J7)
I have never stayed at a Centre Parcs but live so close to one that DS and his classmates have their birthday parties there. We have a free voucher for the pool but have never used it as it always looks so horribly busy. Our local pool has waves and slides and mats and stuff and is deserted in the mornings, so we just go there instead.

Thank you for this thread OP - you've made my day. Best thread of 2019 in my opinion.

Nominated for classics

Stuck on the M62. Thinking of getting my bike off the bike rack and pedalling.

Just check the whereabouts of your waistband if you do - we've had too many bum cracks on this thread already!

My next door neighbour just sent me

5 Ways to escape from Center Parcs

I vividly remember my first CP rapids experience. I ended up riding a large hairy man down a steep section as I tried desperately to get in front of him. DSD was 4 and I hadn't a clue. I didn't realise we would become separated and I panicked as several large men got between us so I did what's any self respecting stepmother would do. I rode one and hurled myself in front of him. Poor man will never be the same.

I'm looking at booking a centre Parcs break now after this thread. Which one has the best rapids??????

I'm at CP Elvedon and have had no rapid entanglements... until after reading this thread and then had 2 today.

One woman gave me a knowing look so I'm pretty sure she read this thread too. We tangled early on and then repeatedly tangled and apologised the whole rest of the way.

The second time a woman had come to a standstill smack bang in the middle of the lane. She probably wanted a gentle nudge and not the high speed smash she got but she was soon on her way again.

Love the rapids, can't help but laugh my head off.

@DuckPie - That’s Dumpy Mermaid Gulch...!! Poor stuck lady...!!!

@bluetue - I was never a fan of Longleat’s rapids....mind you that was before I could swim and was confident to go down them

I’ve never done the cyclone at elveden - I suspect that’s in family “rings” so your only touching is to your nearest and dearest. Kinda loses the appeal of wrapping your legs legitimately around scared young fit men

So I'm just back from CP (also Scottish) and I went on the rapids for the first time yesterday.

It actually was somewhat hilarious. I got spun round backwards on the first big slopey bit (Woburn) and at some point further down a woman going down with her DD kept inadvertently bumping me over and over again, saying "sorry" every time. Of course I had to say "it's ok" or something back. I had to try not to snort with laughter to myself.

It was DH's bloody idea. He was watching the DC after doing his "going down the flumes with the oldest kids" duty while I had done "paddling in the toddler pool of pish" with the youngest. 😷

The wave pool was indeed hoaching, I was amazed anyone else could fit in at one point...

X post duckpie sounds a similar experience 😂😂😂

@galvantura We have booked Woburn for compulsory Scottish week next year. Fortunately all out Tweenies (and we have 3 under 16 and have been going for 15 years) are finally out of the baby womble pool.

A few years ago we managed, completely unplanned, to go to random cps the same weeks as one of DD2’s friend’s family. They had a fantastic responsibly older sister (now at med school) who was happy to take our 3 and her sister down the rapids....we had an Elveden year and a Woburn year where my gusset was unsullied thanks to Katie

I'm glad I had on my giant 'boyleg' swimsuit for the rapids rather than my tankini thingie, avoided any indecency or gusset misfortune.

Luckily the youngest preferred the pirate bit with the mini flumes so I didn't have to paddle for too long. Just stand around waiting and trying not to forget and be under the bit where the water dumps down...

The wave pool was indeed hoaching, I was amazed anyone else could fit in at one point...

Reminds me of a passage from one of Spike Milligan's books where he describes a swimming pool being so packed that people had to be extracted with olive oil and a crowbar...