Oh my god. Think my mugshot must be pinned to the counter in Boots

[GeneralClassification]

I needed to buy first aid bits and bobs to take on holiday. Popped into Boots and it was one of the mega sized ones, so I asked an assistant.

What I meant to say was ‘where do you keep the first aid things?’

What I did say was ‘where are the air traffic controllers?’

😭😭😭

She actually backed away from me 😭

Him:-“omg, he’s a thrush with a capital F”

I don’t get this one!

He thought Thrush started with an F to begin with.

It’s his way of calling someone a cunt as obviously thrush can infect there

I let dd (6) do my hair and make up. Then I forgot and answered the door to my neighbour and invited her in forgetting I had a shopkins enormous bow on my head and blue sparkly eyeshadow .

We also had a delivery guy who was always really rude - one day I opened the door to him and dd (3) said ‘oh hello grumpy man’ . He was a lot more pleasant after that tbf!

I went to a first appointment with an extremely fit sports physiotherapist after struggling with frozen shoulder and tennis elbow at the same time (I'm fragile, fibromyalgia, which also has brain fog as a symptom).

He goes through my history, asked what I had tried so far, I said oh paracetamol, and what's that stuff called, that you rub in....oh yes dragon butter. I've not heard of that one, says he gallantly.

I never went back.

@AliasGrape 'Do you think you're Dale fucking Winton?' 😂

I am a health care professional. On a night shift once, I answered a call bell but when I got into the room the patient was fast asleep and snoring (she had lent on it in her sleep). She'd had a rough day so I quietly lent across her to turn off the bell when she woke up suddenly like in a horror film, and silently reached up to grab me. I screamed at the top of my lungs, she screamed and then we both laughed for ages in terror.

Oh thanks @Soubriquet, have never heard of thrush being used as an insult!

I am in good company

House tart and menage a trois are my favourites

@EvePolastrisFace

I was talking to someone about a big project I was working on. Couldn't decide whether I was going to say "throwing around" ideas or "tossing up" ideas. I actually said I'd been throwing up.
Especially bad as I was on heavy anti depressants to help me recover from bulimia.
A friend of mine, very nice Christian lady who thinks even the word damn is bad swearing, was telling me about a mutual acquaintance who had given himself a nasty injury on both legs. I asked what happened.
"He shit his splins." she told me with a perfectly straight face, and then couldn't work out why everyone around her looked either shocked, trying not to laugh or both.
Someone did explain in the end. Thankfully she laughed too!
DH went to school with someone who apparently had bisexual hands.

dad, bollocks made me laugh for ages for some reason.

Read the full thread, then on love island amber couldn't open the door and I actually laughed so loud and for so long that I was worried I'd wake my children up. I've been tired all day and I think that's a sign I should go to bed.

A colleague was demonstrating an app for people who were renting out rooms for students. He was filling in the field about additional items of interest, but typing in front of an audience is tricky, so he typed “dogs allooed “. Somebody said “what’s that?” And someone else answered “Dunno, but I don’t think I’d order from that restaurant!”

On a train journey with my two DC, my 6 year old asked if they could play Rock Pisser Scissor... cue much giggling and side eye from the rest of the carriage.

The same daughter asked if she could get a FitBitch for her birthday...

On a slow day at a previous call centre job I was messing about online. When the phone did eventually ring, instead of saying "Hello X company, how can I help?" I simply said in a panic "Hello Facebook" and then started howling with laughter and couldn't stop. I got it together to apologise to the customer and got them off the phone as fast as possible!

'I'm going to crack one off', 'tall man' and 'beard' have now got me banned from both lounge and bedroom for laughing like Muttley and streaming tears. Thanks, MN!

Okay, I just remembered a couple of my own.

I once asked the poor nice lady in Boots for 'treatment for child fleas'. She patted my arm and led me to the nit shampoo so she must get it a lot.

When looking for the reduced counter in Morrisons, I asked a lad where the 'distressed food' was. Hard facepalm.

I was on the phone a while ago and needed to spell something out to someone. "V for... don't say vagina, don't say vagina VAGINA......................" I've since learned the phonetic alphabet.

Oh, and more recently I breastfed baby DS in the car before getting out to go into a shop. Merrily wandered in, took my time choosing which ice cream I wanted, paid, couldn't work out why everyone was staring at me, until I got back to the car and realised I hadn't done the popper layer of my dress back up and I'd been walking around with my dress hanging open and a boob, half encased in my oldest, greyest and most hideous nursing bra, out for the world to see.

Was in my office at work on the phone to DH organising who was picking up the kids from school that afternoon. My boss pops in sees I’m on the phone so waves and goes to leave, I was just in the middle of saying bye love you to DH and my brain got confused and I blew my boss a kiss

MIL asked for a "french dick" in a bread shop. Dh once walked into a barber's and asked if he could just have the cunt frut!

Funnily enough, just last night, over a meal with friends, I announced that my favourite food is lesbian food.

I meant ‘Lebanese’.

P

I think this thread was started based on the green dress at Wimbledon where she did look very thin, especially in comparison to the tennis players. I agree she looks perfect in the blue dress and is love her figure.

I’m not sure why so many posters don’t believe some people can be naturally thin. I’m not but I’ve seen it, especially with tall people. That said, I’m sure the DoC is very careful with her diet as she is lots thinner than her uni days where she was slim. Her job is effectively part model so there are huge expectations that she will be thin.

I remember being struck at uni that some of the thinnest girls just ate differently. If a roast was on the menu for dinner, they wouldn’t have lunch. They still looked like they ate loads later on but over the course of the day would have less to eat than the average in total.

Sorry wrong thread

A few years ago in Tesco while shopping with toddler DD and DM, I asked where the Smoot Froothies were kept. I meant fruit smoothies.

The woman looked at me like I'd just pitched up from outer space. DM does this reversal thing all the time, her best one is asking for 'vail narnish'. 😂