Oh my god. Think my mugshot must be pinned to the counter in Boots

[GeneralClassification]

I needed to buy first aid bits and bobs to take on holiday. Popped into Boots and it was one of the mega sized ones, so I asked an assistant.

What I meant to say was ‘where do you keep the first aid things?’

What I did say was ‘where are the air traffic controllers?’

😭😭😭

She actually backed away from me 😭

During an argument with ex h (probably about 12 years ago, I was only about 18/19) he shouted at me that I was so "self defectating" instead of "self deprecating", still a running joke now!

Ooh! Just remembered another good one.

Having a woodland walk with a friend and her child. We don't have any kids yet, and my husband doesn't spend much time around children. Husband picks up a large stick...

Child: 'Have you got a big dick?'

Husband: quiet muffled laughter - 'Yes. I do have a big stick.'

Child: 'That's a very big dick.'

The child didn't seem concerned that we all died laughing. Not sure if he thinks there is something inherently funny about sticks now.

I also remember asking for cock on holiday a few years back.

The waitress was asking me if I'd like a coke but I she had a very strong accent and said it like "would you a lika de coka" I panicked and half mimicked her and said "yes, I would like de cock please".

Mortified. DH will never let me forget that one

Fitbitch

When we remortgaged our house, the company sent a surveyor over to give it the once over. DS has just started toddling at the time and as our front door opens directly into the living room, we live on a fairly fast road, and we had no front gate back then, keeping him and ddog safely indoors was top priority.

So when the surveyor arrived, I locked the door behind him after he came in and said ‘There we go, now no one can get out!’

Which would have been fine, apart from the fact that it was just him and me in the house, as DH had taken the boyos out of the way, and I’d tidied everything up so there were no obvious signs of child or dog messiness to be seen...

The poor guy looked more than a little alarmed at the prospect of being locked in with a crazy lady

We was in France with friends and one friend let's call him Steve asks if I want to walk into town with him to get some things for breakfast, Steve was very upfront about his great French vocabulary and boasted whenever he could, anyway we went into this shop and we wanted some bacon and Steve kept asking for savon, and the woman kept saying no and he kept on with "savon" so then I decided to help and started to make noises like a pig while he is saying "savon" the woman opened the door and pushed us out.
It wasn't until later Steve realised he wasn't saying bacon he was saying soap while I was making pig noises.

😂😂😂 that is so funny

😂😂

I did something quite embarrassing in France too. I had a really bad headache. Couldn't find a pharmacy but there was a petrol station. I assumed they would sell paracetamol and things like they do in the UK so I went up to the counter and announced in my best GCSE French, "J'ai mal a la tete". The man gave me a very French shrug and said something along the lines of "this is a petrol station" with a withering look.
Turna out they don't sell medicines in French petrol stations so I had just marched in and announced that I was sick in the head. Which is exactly the impression I gave!

Wow I am having a good laugh here😂😂😂 today. That is really funny

My husband once said loudly as we got home “I’m desperate for a Tommy tank “ he had meant Tom Tit. I don’t know why he started talking in rhyming slang, but it was embarrassing knowing the neighbours had their windows wide open and probably heard.
My daughter also used to say Conker wrong it sounded like she was saying Cunt in really posh accent, horrible moment when she shouted across the field filled with conkers “hello little doggy look at my cunt ! “
Tried to performance parent my way out of that one “yes darling a CONKER” but the dog walker just looked horrified and walked off.

What sort of accent could make conker sound like cunt?

When we were getting our wall built outside, the builder was showing us different stone/brick he could use and I said “I quite like this bitch” I have no clue why I said bitch and not brick! Rather than apologising and saying sorry I meant to say brick and I’m not calling you bitch.. I acted like it never happened and went about looking at the other stone. DPs face was like this and we both still laugh about it now!

I had coffee with two friends this morning. One German, one Polish. We were discussing Falkland Islands and Argentina, and the difficulties getting fro Falklands to mainland South America. My comment... 'thats what happens when you invade countries'. I was referring to British Colonial past... But slightly different meaning in the current company, especially in a German cafe... (Luckily in a quiet corner so I haven't damaged the good Anglo- German relationship the town enjoys!)

My daughter used to ask for a fork and knife - but used to run together so came out sounding like “fucking knife” - not a good thing for a little girl to be asking for when you are in a restaurant 😳 we quickly told her to ask for a knife and fork going forward

@Alpacathebag I just burst out laughing VERY loudly and now people are looking at me! Made my day 😂😂

My friend lived in a top floor flat where it was only her front door in the corridor (this is relevant).

One Sunday I popped around to drop something back to her. I wasn't going to knock the door because I hadn't called in advance, I was just going to leave the box outside her door.

She heard me moving around and opened the door wearing a peek-a-boo bra, crotchless pants, and rubbing a vibrator over herself making 'mmm' noises. It was like a porno.

She was, of course, expecting her boyfriend.

She avoided me for a while and flatly refuses to talk about the incident now but it was hilarious.

@DirtyDennis apt username

I used to work on a men’s magazine with predominantly male colleagues. There was a regular feature in it called ‘Analysis’ that we had to create in every issue. On this day, I shouted from my desk to the writer on the other side of the office ‘Come on, let’s bang out anal’. I realised what I’d said and went bright red, everyone heard and my male boss said ‘TwentyEight12 is keen’. The office exploded in laughter. My face has never felt so hot!

I got onto a packed train and saw a good friend in front of me, carrying a big box of Krispy Kreme donuts. I leaned in and whispered menacingly, “I may mug you for your donuts...”
obviously, it wasn’t my friend at all, it was a complete stranger who leapt about 6 foot into the air and stared at me in horror. I tried to smile reassuringly and apologise but instead did that slow, manic grin serial killers do before the kill in bad tv dramas. She pushed her way through the carriage to escape.

I remember as a child going to the butchers with my mum and hearing her ask for half a pound of stroked smeaky bacon. The butcher replied ‘which bit would you like me to stroke’ to much laughter from the massive queue. My poor mum was beetroot red...

We were expecting my parents to arrive any minute , so as the door bell rang , I got our dog ridiculously exited by saying "who is it " " who is it " , as I flung open the door expecting to see my mum, a very worried looking Jehovas witness man screamed and ran down the path . His friend just stood there handed me a leaflet and walked away ,

My grandma asked a shop assistant where the durex paint was - I was 14 at the time and horrified

Mooycow that has reminded me of the time my mum dropped a large spider out of an upstairs window not realising that an election candidate who was canvassing was standing directly below ready to knock the door

I speak another language pretty fluently and once meant to ask for a meat bowl but accidentally asked for a bowl of ass.

The numer of times I was called Mum by some 6 foot Year 11 boy who then blushed profusely.

If it's any comfort Lady that sort of mistake is a pretty good sign that the lad is comfortable in the teacher-pupil relationship...