Oh my god. Think my mugshot must be pinned to the counter in Boots

[GeneralClassification]

I needed to buy first aid bits and bobs to take on holiday. Popped into Boots and it was one of the mega sized ones, so I asked an assistant.

What I meant to say was ‘where do you keep the first aid things?’

What I did say was ‘where are the air traffic controllers?’

😭😭😭

She actually backed away from me 😭

@AliasGrape's story has just reminded me of when my friend and I were talking about a couple we know and the guy is unbearably smug without the looks to back it up and she meant to say "and he's no Danny Zucko, is he?" But instead said "he's no Danny Devito, is he?" with such confidence.

I still tease her about her secret passion for Danny Devito

I had had a few drinks and instead of asking for salty peanuts managed to ask for salty penis.

I am still hoping the hot bartender didn’t notice. Guess my mind was in the gutter that evening.

I used to work for a high street bank, and every so often, a senior manager would come and give us an 'inspirational' talk.

He said, "I want to make ThisBank this best place to work and the best place to bank." We all rolled our eyes.

"I'll say it again," he said. "I want to make ThisBank the best place to wank."

It was being videoed and streamed across the globe.

I used to work in a sales office and the sales rep had the surname 'Mycock' which I got used to - until that is a potential customer phoned to ask for a rep to visit.

'Certainly, I'll arrange that. Can I have your surname and address please?'

'Hiscock' came the reply 'of dxxx company'.

I was still coping until he asked me the name of the rep that would be visiting him. I managed
'I'm not sure which rep it will be - probably Mr Smith' (giving the other reps name)

@Hecateh That is just too funny. One name like that is hard enough to deal with but two - jeez.

Did they meet each other? I am of course hoping the answer is yes and did you record it.

These are hilarious!
I once opened the door to go out just as the Amazon man was about to knock on it. I jumped out of my skin and screamed loudly in his face!

I did RE for GCSE many many years ago & we studied comparative religions. In an essay my friend wrote that people "castrate themselves on their prayer mats"😂 (She meant "prostrate"!)

In an Italian restaurant with 'real' Italian sounding waiters we were asked if we needed more drinks.

I was going to reply 'I'm alright thanks' but decided at the last minute to say 'I'm fine' which came out of my mouth as 'I'm a-fine' and sounded like I was taking the piss out of his accent!

I’m the same vein as “tall man”
My beardy husband was looking out of the window and spotted the, equally beardy, amazon delivery guy coming to the door .DH opened the door and instead of saying thanks pointed at the guy and loudly said “beard”.

Years ago, friend of a friend had a job that involved going out to clients, environmental health or similar, investigating complaints.
He looked at his notes on his desk to remind himself of the name of the lady he was going to see, didn’t write it down.
Knocked on the door, she answered he said “Mrs Cox?” no she said “It’s Mrs Dick”

A very tired day here, but now giggling like a silly thing at these

Thank you folks for sharing

Reminds me of male hospital patient saying I feel awful it's the anti bollock pills 😂

This has really made me giggle, thank you.

I asked at the chemist if they had any crystal meth.

I meant to say menthol crystals for my blocked nosed. After the initial shock and me managing to say it right, they howled laughing.

I always say wanky, instead of Yankee too.

How do the Amazon guys put up with everyones crazyness . Too many stories on here relate to them.

Sent a text to my uncle, meant to tell him I was knackered after our day out at the big family party and had gone to bed.....missed off the K and ended up saying “I’m totally naked and happy in bed”

He keeps threatening to make it public

Windyone 😂😂😂

I once told my son's tennis teacher that he wasn't able to go to his lesson because he had swollen testicles; I obviously meant tonsils ...

At vets with young kitten: after a pause
Vet: I was just checking she is a girl sorry there was quite a lot of hair to part
Me: we've all been there

Entering the local butchers a couple of days before one Christmas, I proceeded to order some bacon, a couple of pork pies and "......two dozen of the foreskins please....."

Meant chipolatas.

Once greeted my boss in front of some very important clients with 'Good morning dad' he gave me a weird look I was far to embarrassed to correct myself and had to carry on with the rest of what we were doing.

A senior manager at work is doing a town hall type session to our department. Theres very little uptake during the Q and A so he starts pointing his finger, intending to single people out in the crowd to ask questions but unfortunately he said "I'm going to start fingering people"

@anothernamereally 😂

I used to work in a chippy and on Friday evenings it was really busy and could be quite noisy. I'd have to yell 'next please' at the top of my voice if people stood in the line weren't paying attention.

One Friday it was extremely busy, I looked over at the next customer who wasn't looking at me, so I shouted 'salt and vinegars' at the top of my lungs. The whole place erupted in laughter.

@MuseThalia I did the same in geography class.

Teacher asked me what we had learnt about the night before, I said "micro-orgasms" the whole class laughed, it was only when he said "I don't know about you but the rest of the class learnt about micro-organisms" I realised my mistake.

I used to work in a boarding school and the head of house gathered all the year 10 girls together in the common room and told them as the bus was leaving at 8am she would arouse them all early the next morning. She clocked it as soon as she said it and attempted to style it out but no such luck