Oh my god. Think my mugshot must be pinned to the counter in Boots

[GeneralClassification]

I needed to buy first aid bits and bobs to take on holiday. Popped into Boots and it was one of the mega sized ones, so I asked an assistant.

What I meant to say was ‘where do you keep the first aid things?’

What I did say was ‘where are the air traffic controllers?’

😭😭😭

She actually backed away from me 😭

Hairy Growler, I'm dead

These are hilarious!

I lived in Germany for some years. For most of those years I inadvertently mixed up the word witzen (to joke) with the word wichsen (to wank) as they sound pretty similar. My 'friends' took some time to point this out to me as they said it was funnier to listen to me talk about wanking than what I thought I'd been talking about. Guess at the end of the day the joke was on me....

I haven't laughed like this for years. I've had to lie down.

I was on the phone to my company’s HR woman and on ending the conversation I said ‘love you, bye’ and hung up.
My college laughed his head off but I can’t have any more HR queries til she retires

My Nan once declared she was getting bisexual glasses instead of bifocals... still makes me lol now!

I’m really phobic about needles/injections, and after a blood test at the GP felt very odd in the pharmacy, like I was about to faint. There was a huge queue, the staff were busy, and I was on my own - the only thing I could think of to do was pick up a Snickers bar from the nearby shelf and eat it (planning to pay when I got my prescription). As I passed out, bringing down one of those carousel things of reading glasses, I helpfully said “I’m not a shoplifter”. I switched my repeat prescriptions to the big Boots shortly after that.

Years ago I used to work as a waitress. Started the usual drag of endless Christmas dinners served from November. Fairly early on when the novelty was new, I was discreetly scoffing a piece of turkey in the back and the manger appeared behind me. He asked what I was doing and for some unknown reason I blurted out "eating a bit of turkey..gobble gobble" said with full turkey arm movements! thankfully he laughed so I laughed, feeling just a split second of relief to have not been told off as the half chewed turkey flew out of my mouth and landed straight on his tie..it remained turkey stained for the rest of the shift

My Mum, handing a gift to a vegan relative, "I went to that Holland and Barrett and bought you some of that virgin chocolate".

Discussing an injury, "Well put a cold compost on it".

Of my late Uncle Pete, "When Peter was alive he said...".

On her mobile playing up, "I can't hear you. The phone's on newt. It's on newt!".

"I need a new slow cooker but I don't want one of those digical ones. Eileen's got one of those. I can't get on with it if it's digical".

I was chatting to colleagues about holidays as I wrote an anniversary card. I looked down to find I'd signed it from "Smiley" and Paris. Strangely my husband is NOT called Paris. I was feeling a bit tight so put an arrow and a note saying "sorry that's not his name" and sent it anyway!!

Also when eldest daughter was about 1 we were shopping in Currys. There was quite a large lady in the queue and with no warning she pointed at her and yelled excitedly "its little Miss Greedy! Dh panicked, threw her under his arm like a rugby ball and tan out of the shop, leaving a mortified me stood there. I kind of waved, said "sorry, she loves the Mr Men and Little Miss books" and avoided eye contact. It didnt help that half the line were still sniggering!!

Oh and a serious conversation about a graveyard on a bus with my nephew when he was about 5. I was trying to answer his questions but it was hard, then he asked if they put the stones on top to stop the people getting out. The entire bus was in hysterics and I had no clue what to say!!

I once opened the door to the postman and just said "chicken". He backed away too. I was part way through a conversation with my daughter and the next word was going to be chicken but I've no idea why I said it to the postman.

^

I told an icecream man that the storm we had the night before was biological. I think I meant to say diabolical.

The waitress was asking me if I'd like a coke but I she had a very strong accent and said it like "would you a lika de coka" I panicked and half mimicked her and said "yes, I would like de cock please".

^^

Dies

My dear, much missed friend used to live overlooking the centre of town, an area known as 'The Cross'.

She was horrified at the behaviour of some of the youngsters who hung out there late at night, particularly when they got amorous.

"They we're doing it at The Cross at midnight. In broad daylight!"

These are hysterical.

When my friend was a little boy he was sent the shop for potatoes and asked for “5lb of King Herod’s”.
Another friend insists rosary beads are “Rosemaries.”
My Great Aunt used to pronounce everything as it was written, so Tithebarn Street became “titty barn street” and a boutique was a “booty queue”. She could never understand why we were rolling around laughing!

Reading at church. The word was 'prostrate'. Unfortunately, it was split across a line, so 'prost-' on the end of one line and '-rate' at the start of another.

I said 'prostate'. Then I corrected myself to 'prostitute'. Third time lucky: I finally got 'prostrate' out, except I was clearly smiling and trying not to laugh by this point.

I was fifteen. Funnily, they didn't invite me to read again.

Loving this thread, laughing my way though it.

After 2 references to 'dragon butter'
He goes through my history, asked what I had tried so far, I said oh paracetamol, and what's that stuff called, that you rub in....oh yes dragon butter. I've not heard of that one, says he gallantly.

... I googled it (yes, I'm innocent!)

😳😳😳😳

Not any longer 😂

My sister was once asked if she had any clitarus bang in stock at work

Turns out the old chap meant cillit bang 😅

Thank you, I had a bad day today and these have made me cry with laughter. A million thanks 👍

@martinidry
On her mobile playing up, "I can't hear you. The phone's on newt. It's on newt!"

I love this, just brilliant 😂😂

I meant to jokingly call someone a philistine, but for some reason I cheerfully said "you're a paedophile'.

They looked surprised but it wasn't until later that I realised what I'd said, so I just carried on the conversation.

Found this 😂😂😂

I work in a restaurant, was chatting to a colleague in the kitchen about breast feeding my daughter. Went to check in my table and they asked me what’s this black sauce. In my head I said alioili but out loud announced that’s our areole sauce isn’t it delicious. Mmmm nipple sauce!

Also a BF situation, my son has fallen asleep feeding on me, I half dozed off waiting for daughter to be brought home, father of friend knocked on front room window I stood up and thanked him for bringing her home and realised when he ran to his car my tit was hanging out still 🤣

Trying to impress someone while on holiday who I really fancied. I asked him if he was going Sciba Duving the best day, at least he laughed 😆

I can't think of any I've said right now, but my sister was in a shop once and needed a pen, but instead asked a guy with a humongous nose if he had a nose she could borrow.. made it worse by saying I mean pen.. over and over.. he didn't have a pen.. but did have a nose 😂😂

Having a romantic meal at the pub with DH tonight, feeling a bit ill and low blood sugary so not on form. The v young (17? Maybe) waiter person brought me a glass of wine and I go ‘Thanks darling!’ without thinking... I am not a random endearments person generally Particularly not to unknown late teen lads!

We are going back tomorrow night for a big family meal too 🙈