Oh my god. Think my mugshot must be pinned to the counter in Boots

[GeneralClassification]

I needed to buy first aid bits and bobs to take on holiday. Popped into Boots and it was one of the mega sized ones, so I asked an assistant.

What I meant to say was ‘where do you keep the first aid things?’

What I did say was ‘where are the air traffic controllers?’

😭😭😭

She actually backed away from me 😭

Ah, my lovely DGM was always like this. Always thinking about something else when out and about and then saying it out loud.

One time that sticks in my mind is a time she was in Co-op buying cigarettes, but was due to go on to the market afterwards to buy thermal underwear for her DH.

"Hiya love, can I have a packet of 20 Richmond thermals please" she says to the shop assistant while my DM and I wait at the side of the checkout for her.

The confused look on the poor cashiers face was a picture.

"Errr, sorry I've never heard of those before... Brenda, do we have anything called Richmond thermals?" she asks her colleague.

"Richmond thermals???" says Brenda "eh??"

"Yeah, this lady has asked for 20 Richmond thernals"

"Never 'eard of 'em!"

The long queue behind her are also looking confused and irate. Everyone is wondering wtf Richmond thermals are and why its holding them up.

DGM is getting annoyed now "Yes! Richmond thermals! I'm in here every Friday for 'em. They're right behind you in the blue & gold box!"

Brenda and young cashier scour the shelves but cannot find a pack of 20 thermals in a blue & gold box.

"Sorry love, but there's nothing 'ere called Richmond thernals' Brenda breaks the news.

"Oh for christs sake! I can see them, right there behind you!" snaps DGM

DM and I are creased up in hysterics and can't even breathe. Eventually I manage to gather enough breath to advise the poor cashiers she means cigarettes.

DGM was so embarrassed she started going to the local offlicence for her fags

I asked the ice cream man for a 69er...... not a 99er

I've name changed for this as it's far too outing but I went for a late night drunken curry with the girls a few years ago and when my Korma was delivered I said

'Thank you, Mr Curry Man'

I meant it like I would say 'Thank you Mr Icecream Man' or 'Thank you Mr Tesco's Man', but obviously 'Curry Man' is a fucking ridiculous to say!
My friends still rib me about it but I was and still am absolutely mortified by it!!

Day two in my new job as a young 16 year old, I looked at the phonetic alphabet poster on the office wall to help me remember how to read postcodes back to customers correctly. Unfortunately I got a bit muddled looking at Whisky and Yankee and what I actually said was 'Wanky'.

I went to a meeting and asked to see Mrs Blows. No it was Mrs Swallows. I knew it was blow job related...

I once for a taxi at 4am for the airport and told the guy to take me to the cinema! He said really, at 4am?

DH has just told me this little gem:

DH working in a call centre. Female boss comes over and says:

"I'm going to pull you off now."

He says they both blushed and pretended it hadn't happened.

I used to work in a really busy shop with a bank of tills where it was usual to bellow 'First up the top' or 'First down the bottom' at the queue of customers, meaning the till you were on. Well, I got a bit muddled one day and.. You can see where this is going..

Not mine but a former colleague addressed a letter to a major client whose premises were located at an address called The Pump House, only she accidentally typed The Pimp House.

Haha these are great! No-where near as funny but my contributions are:
Totally thought NDN was called Mike. Gave him Christmas cards, thank you notes etc. all to Mike. 3 years later we discover his name is not Mike. It's Steven.
Also name-related - took DS to the supermarket when he was about 8-9 weeks old. Old lady comes to coo at him and asks his name. "Jack," I say without hesitation. His name is not Jack. Doesn't even sound like Jack. Wasn't even a name we considered for him. No idea where that came from! I just rolled with it though so the whole way round Tesco I called him Jack in case I bumped into her again! In my defence I was rather sleep deprived.

Another borrowed one from a friend who had just started a new job. She was drafting a letter on behalf of her manager, a man called Tony Cox. Spell check turned it into Tiny Cocks.

One of my friends was renowned for accidentally picking up other people’s stuff when she went home. It was random things like 1 glove, a box of business cards, a handkerchief, so we nicknamed her Klepto. One night she was chatting up a couple of guys and announced “my friends call me Chlamydia”. They disappeared sharpish and she’s never lived it down 😂😂😂

I once worked in a letting agents and we were given fancy new headsets to answer calls with. The office was on a corner and surrounded by huge glass windows overlooking a busy road. My boss was standing next to me one day when I pressed the button and greeted the caller with "Good Afternoon British Gas". He gasped. I gasped. The poor caller muttered an apology and promptly hung up. I had no explanation and fell to the floor laughing when we looked out the window to see a British Gas van stuck in traffic outside. Clearly my attention had been taken by the fit man driving the van and made me forget where I worked!!! Incidentally where I did work had an awful name so British Gas was much preferable to the correct greeting - think letting agent, think Belvoir and think the local Lincolnshire way of pronouncing it Beaver🙈

In London l asked for the Thames Link (rhyming it innocently James)

I used to work in a bank and would often cover the switchboard. I was talking to a colleague about family stuff and my mum's birthday when the phone rang, so I answered with "Good morning, Barclays Bum!" 🙈 My colleague snorted, I realised what I'd said and was laughing so hard I had to hang up! Also if someone tells me to have a good day, I always say "And you." But this has crept into other things. For example, when waiters say "Enjoy your meal." Or someone wishes me a Happy Birthday 🙈😂. One more, I am a TA. I used to work in a primary school and we held a pirate day. My teacher colleague was explaining the day to the kids who were all dressed as pirates. She went to say "Show me your hooks!" but mixed it up with fingers and shouted "Show me your fooks!" 😂😂😂

I have one.

I'd done a run of 5 night shifts at work and had to ring the doctors for an appointment. It always takes ages to get through and I kinda nodded off a bit to be roused by the receptionist speaking. I mashed a random button on the phone and said 'Welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order please?'

Dead silence for about ten seconds before I realised what I'd said and cracked up laughing.

It has been years and I think that receptionist still thinks I'm a nutter.

She said it correctly but it used to tickle a then teenage me and DH.....when SIL ordered pizza, she always asked for a 9 inch nice and cheesy

I asked one of my Daughters friends 14 at the time .. if she would like a Tango Arseblast 🤦‍♀️ Whilst waiting in the cinema refreshment queue.... They are now forever known as that in our house ...

@alpacathedog I have just laughed uncontrollably with tears streaming down my face for the last ten minutes about ‘tall man’! God I needed that tonight!

When I was a student in York there was a pub called The Bonding Warehouse. It was a very old building and had been where foods were brought up the river and stored hundreds of years ago. We all called it the Bondage whorehouse
Which was fine until I got a holiday job doing open top bus tours

My Mum’s nickname for me when I was a child was ‘Nookie’. She had no idea what it meant and neither did I. She thought it was a term of endearment and guess what, so did I. And no-one said a word! Not one word! All my birthday cards and Christmas cards from when I was a child are all addressed to ‘Nookie’. For years, she was calling out ‘Nookie’ in shops and in public... omg, I wonder how many people thought about calling the police and reporting her?!?

We, of course, were completely oblivious to what it really means

I was working on the switchboard of a very large factory once in my early 20s. Nobody had told me that, after using the tannoy, the switch had to be exactly in the middle to switch it off, as it was a bit fiddly. I have a habit of singing Christmas songs all through the year.

So, one day, the other receptionist had gone off to a meeting with the manager and I was alone on switchboard - it was only my second day there. I paged someone on the tannoy, switched it off and sat there loudly singing Jingle Bells. The other girl came tearing into the office a few minutes later shouting at me to turn the tannoy off. The entire building and factory - hundreds of people, had heard me joyfully singing Jingle Bells at the top of my voice - in April .

Luckily it was only a two-week temp job.

I once had to do a very serious reading in a packed church and swapped gentiles for genitals. I said the genitals came down from the mountain.

I broke my knee over the new year and am now down to only one crutch but I keep dropping it. I have, on more than one occasion, asked people to grab my crotch for me.

I've been reading posts from this thread out to DP as it has made me cry with laughter and he shared with me a priceless tale of his from before we met which fits very well...

He was chatting to the very attractive receptionist at his local garage while his tyres were being fitted. The conversation was quite flirty and he thought his luck may be in. He asked her what she was doing at the weekend and she told him she had to go to the tip to get rid of some rubbish. The small talk carried on for a while until the job was finished and it was time for him to leave. "Nice to meet you. Have a nice dump!" he said cheerfully.

He still blushes about it years later!