Oh my god. Think my mugshot must be pinned to the counter in Boots

[GeneralClassification]

I needed to buy first aid bits and bobs to take on holiday. Popped into Boots and it was one of the mega sized ones, so I asked an assistant.

What I meant to say was ‘where do you keep the first aid things?’

What I did say was ‘where are the air traffic controllers?’

😭😭😭

She actually backed away from me 😭

Many years ago, in Boots, I put a packet of sanitary towels & a box of hair dye on the counter, ready to pay.

The assistant did a double take & said, "O-o-o-o-o-h, I thought you were going to dye your..." & dissolved into embarrassed laughter.

Howling at some of these.

I'm forever going to say "brilliant" or "great" and coming out with "breat" instead...

A friend's mum however once went into a shop and asked for four gars of balaxy...

My best/worst was answering the phone in Adam's Kids (the clothes shop).

"Good afternoon, Nina's Glasgow, Adam speaking, how can I help?"

My French teacher once told the story that while training she was in France saying with a family and sat back after a meal and meant to say "I'm very full now". But in fact announced "I'm very pregnant".

I knocked on our then new upstairs neighbour's door because we were getting a leak from our ceiling. I was thinking in my mind about a plumber coming round. Neighbour answers the door. Never met the bloke before, and I said, "Do you work here?" He looked at me like I was a moron obviously. Ever since then when we've had conversations I feel hyper aware of what I'm saying. He must think I'm a massive idiot.

I told my whole Slimming a World group that my excellent weight loss that week was the result of ‘intermittent fisting’ instead of fasting. 😳

This made me laugh out loud on the bus now I look like a weirdo 😂

@RockinHippy omg!!! That’s hilarious!

Totally outing but I used to work with a company called Harry Fairbairn. I can't tell you how many times I said Hello, Hairy FarnBarns.

Much to my Aunt's horror, I once asked her in a busy cafe if she still had hostages in her home.. she had lodgers! ...

DH works in the criminal justice system and was working on a big drug case. He rang the vet to order our cat's medication and found himself asking for 'a bottle of methadone' instead of 'a bottle of lactulose'. They refused to supply the medication until we'd brought the cat in to be examined, to prove that we needed laxatives for him! First time that has ever happened in fifteen years of repeat prescriptions for the cat...

Also, completely outing but I was in Past Times(If anyone remembers that store) years ago with my Mother and I saw an Easter egg hunt kit and went to say "Look, an Easter egg hunt kit" but accidentally bellowed at full volume "Look! An Easter Egg Cunt Hit"

I'm not sure what's more embarrassing, shouting that in Past Times or seeming so excited over an Easter item when you're 20.

The day I moved into my house the next door neighbours introduced themselves telling me their names.
Whenever I saw him I’d say “ hello Ian”
Nothing was ever said, for about 4 years.
Then on the day they moved I gave them a good bye and good luck card to

Sarah and Ian !!!! Then after a short conversation she said “ Oh Steve is coming out now !!”
I was mortified and felt so stupid. 😳😱 Neither of us said anything.
I dont know why they never corrected me.

I once swung open my front door to greet my mum with baby hanging off boob which was obviously hanging out, only to find it was the postman shock horror

I worked at McDs when I was at uni. On a really busy lunch shift, down near the end of the counter by the wall a lot of customers couldn't see me so I had to keep shouting "who's next please?". Except one time, I was thirsty and shouted out really loudly "can I have a drink please?"

Luckily it was that loud no-one heard me, except the manager by me who let me go get a drink!

We also had a LOT of customers asking for large cock instead of large coke.

In a restaurant and my DP couldn't decide if he wanted sticky toffee pudding or apple crumble. Finally told the pretty, young, female waitress "oh just give me a stiffy". First time I've seen him blush.

Porning cream in Zizzis was a bit embarrassing - especially as it came on a desert that looked like a pair of testicles....

I said "enjoy your evening!" as a farewell to someone at 8 am ish this morning!

I called a mechanic and asked “how much do you charge for a cervix?”

I was meant to say service I put the phone down before he had chance to reply!

I had to drive to a conference with a very very senior manager who I was a bit scared of. He started the journey by saying "This place is in the middle of nowhere. I hope we don't get lost". I don't know what possessed me to reply "Aw, I was hoping you were going to whip your TomTom out".

Those were priceless, thank you all for making me laugh truly out loud.

When I was a teenager and still living at my parents house I got up early one morning and was surprised to see my mum already up. (It was her day off and she usually had a bit of a lay in). When I asked her why she was up so early on her day off she replied ‘it’s the bloody A-Teams fault’. What she meant to say was alarm clock (she had forgot to cancel it the night before).

Another time I worked in an office and heard one of my co-workers using the phonetic alphabet to spell out something. All was fine until she said Q for cucumber. That had us all in fits of laughter and become a bit of a running joke in the team after that.

Just this morning a colleague asked another colleague where the meeting they were going to was being held. She replied “in Anna’s bedroom”. She meant office.

This reminds me of my mum's habit of calling everyone "minges" instead of "mingers", when joking with them. And only realising when she called one of her DCs it and we explained to her what she'd been calling friends, family and work colleagues for years 😂

After nearly 2 years on this site, feeling increasingly more humourless due to never being amused by the threads which have people 'spitting out their tea'/'waking the baby'/etc I have finally redeemed myself by crying with laughter over at least 50% of this thread! Thanks OP/posters!! Definitely an excellent candidate for classics do you not think@mnhq?!

I was doing up images for work & social media advertising a “Beat The Clock Sale” ....naturally I didn’t spell check 🙈 everyone loves a “Beat The Cock Sale” 😂😂😂

Did not realise until i seen an influx of activity on all our social media pages ....well they say there’s no such thing as bad publicity 😁

I worked with a lady who got her words wrong. After our boss rescued a frightened pigeon and launched it into the air she exclaimed ‘ohhh he thought he was in an ejaculator seat!!!’