I can offer you solutions to all your problems

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I'm a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I have a very old useless degree in humanities from a poly therefore am completely unfettered by knowledge or training. Bring me your problems and I'll solve them.

Thigh, I need a new career. I want a job I love that pays really well for minimum effort and time. What guidance can you give me? I'm lying down.

OMG Archers! Can you still get it? Asking for a friend.

It was comparatively sophisticated to all the other shite I drank in the 1990s mind.

I think that should say 'sophisticated in comparison'. I'm so entertained by Thigh that I've forgotten how to make sense while writing, which is a pity given my job.

hellenbackagen ah - I still think of your awesome dog!! Did you like my advice about getting dog arm protectors? Beware of MNers who take my advice!!

I need some help please. My husband keeps trying to talk to me, as in have a conversation about his day and ask me about mine. He’s getting pissed off because I’m only replying with mmmhh kind of noises instead of actual words. I JUST WANT TO FUCKING MUMSNET!!!! How do I get him to stop? We do have an integral garage if that influences your advice. TIA

MadeForThis I've given this some thought. Buy an air conditioned van and fit out the back with dog crates. Hire a team of people and go around posh folks houses collecting their dogs and taking them for a walk. I think you can charge about £15ph per dog and take about 4 or 5 at a time. If you add that up it's loads. When you are not using the van yourself get someone else to do the work and pay them an hourly rate and cream off all the profit. Do about 3 dog walks per day yourself and get your staff to do another 3. You can write off all the dog walking insurance and the van and the wages against tax. If someone could do sums they could tell us how much we could make.

I'm deffo doing that as I don't like doing anything except walking my dogs.

MaidofEyes if we are going to the "sophisticated drinks" place may I recommend pernod and black or blue bols and lemonade?

Help thigh I came to bed early with some cheese on toast and spilled tomato sauce on my lovely (expensive) white sheet. I know I should get it in the wash asap, but I'm already laying down and so comfy. What should I do?

The stain is where the sheet covers the side of the mattress, not on the top it that makes a difference?

Genius!!

Luaa don't get out of bed, you need to rest. In the morning put some washing up liquid on the stain and run the cold tap on it from the back of the stain which pushes it out of rather than into the fabric. Then washing machine as normal.

isound well that's crap, and abusive. Is he always this needy and controlling? Normally I like to give people a chance but you do have an integral garage. Do you live near a river? Honestly, divorce is such a faff and boring i would avoid that and go for the plastic sheeting.

There is another option. You could pretend to have IBS which is inflamed by speech and every time he talks go to the loo - with your phone. And MN in peace.

Um you've just described my business model for dog walking. This is slightly worrying.

Thigh - yes male yes neutered and probably irrevocably convinced of leopard status

Except we charge £10 per dog, take them in groups of up to 6, but don't do any awful stuff like let them rampage over Battersea Common (because we are actually based in Wiltshire).

We take them down to Salisbury Plain usually. With £10M of public liability insurance in case they do anything dreadful on MOD property. Or anywhere else...

Alpaca well it's the most sensible isn't it? Do you find it lucrative?

I will never be rich. But I will probably be healthier and happier than most of my friends who went corporate when we left university. I went that way too, for about 8 years, but really didn't want to go back to office life when twins started school etc, so started the dog walking in order to fit in with school run etc. I was only going to do it for a few years while children were still at vomiting/diarrhoea take day or two off stage - but now they're at University... and I have seven staff helping with my dogwalking and petcare business.

Alpaca i just thought to myself. Who has money and what do they spend it on? Rich folk and dogs and fancy groceries. I wouldn't want to have a stock that could spoil and a premises plus i am dog crazy - so. Dogs. Plus acting as a conduit and having staff doing a fair amount of the work maximises profits. Will start with one van.

BHS are there old socks down the sides of the sofa? Do you have a pet you could entice to sit on your feet? Could you smear meat paste on your feet?

I think I might have been stood up for too long today,so I've been lying down for a few hours now (always careful to heed your wise words) but have realised that much of the contents of the cereal box that I brought with me to my sofa is now stuck to it.

My arms have gone a bit numb from being in a fixed position shovelling sticky cereal in my mouth, and my fingers are all stuck together.

I know you will be back soon with the answers I seek.

Just to add, I am very happy sitting here in my own shit

smother you were right to be worried about standing for too long. Bravo on lying down for hours and excellent forethought re bringing a large box of cereal with you. Since you are happy lying in your own filth i would continue to do so. Are your standards unnecessarily high do you think? You should probably lower them a great deal. Remember my other mantra (glad to see you've internalised lying down) do not let anyone in your house. You are not a fucking air hostess and if you have a hostess trolley throw it in your front garden in the hopes it will get stolen by some mug.

Oh I am so relieved thigh, (pun intended) thank you!

It won't matter if my arms stop working if I drop my standards sufficiently, sound logic! I knew I could rely on you!

I did get up briefly to throw my hostess trolley, wait for it...out the window, ha!

My daughter is 8 weeks pregnant and she lives with her boyfriend and her boyfriends daughter his daughter is 4 well his daughter put febreeze into my daughters drink she took a sip of the drink she’s really worried and so am I will the baby be ok. She said she feels fine but worried please help.

@Cynthiakeefer

Sorry but do you realise this isn't an entirely serious thread??

If your pregnant daughter has actually had a drink of febreeze I would be calling a medical professional for advice anyway, not mumsnet.

I might take the 1yos out on the lash

Oh, lash. I first read it as "leash". I couldn't understand how it related to alcohol unless you were worried about them driving afterwards as one year olds are pretty rubbish at driving, too.