Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mumsnet classics

Relive the funniest, most unforgettable threads. For a daily dose of Mumsnet’s best bits, sign up for Mumsnet's daily newsletter.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I can offer you solutions to all your problems

999 replies

pineapplebryanbrown · 14/02/2019 10:16

I'm a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I have a very old useless degree in humanities from a poly therefore am completely unfettered by knowledge or training. Bring me your problems and I'll solve them.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
13
Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 15/02/2019 20:44

Chimmychunga your baby can't read. Give them some chocolate buttons instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 15/02/2019 20:46

OMGithurts do it now because otherwise it will be annoying to dry your hair in the morning. If you do it now then it will mostly dry overnight and you can just comb a little water through it in the am and it won't take long. OR - you could do neither and use deodorant, baby wipes and dry shampoo and then have a bath when you feel more in the mood.

OP posts:
Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 15/02/2019 20:48

ChardonnaysPrettySister those are both bad films. Watch Polar starring Mads Mikkelsen on Netflix instead. Or Platoon!!!!

OP posts:
Misty9 · 15/02/2019 20:52

Dh doesn't do dancing. Or sex really... sigh. Hence the appeal of hot and sweaty dancing. Kiss fm and amaretto it is then!

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 15/02/2019 20:52

Misty9 Amaretto is yum, gives a perfumed hangover.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 15/02/2019 20:53

I know we are all jokingly saying this is top advice. But I seriously do think it's mostly great advice. Even the stuff you're not serious about.

#THIGHFIVE

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 15/02/2019 20:53

Good idea. DH might have to lay down for a bit after that though.

Esca · 15/02/2019 20:57

Thigh I am puzzled about my smear test yesterday. The (lovely) nurse had a bit of trouble getting to my cervix, calling it coy, capricious, and finally 'a challenge.' She changed speculum size twice, and finally said I should tell whoever smeared me next time that I had a 'much deeper vault' than expected and would 'need a longer probe.'

Was she:
a. taking the piss
b. suggesting my vag is actually a legit Tardis

I have to go back for a blood pressure appointment with her next Thursday, so I need to know how to play it just in case she's actually a Time Lord and her cheery convo while rummaging in my vag was an invite to travel through time with her. (I totally would, obv.)

Misty9 · 15/02/2019 20:58

It is indeed yum. I'm drinking it now. On ice. The slight danger being that I'm such a lightweight I may think it's a good idea to go to a club on my own later when dh gets back. I'm 38 not 28 but my brain refuses to accept this!

WheelyCote · 15/02/2019 20:58

thigh youve made my nightGrin

ReaganSomerset · 15/02/2019 21:01

esca you ought to do stand-up. 😂

hellenbackagen · 15/02/2019 21:02

Ok thigh

My dp did great last night....he booked a restaurant and he even paid the extra fiver for a red rose!!

Dinner was great and we had wine and cocktails.

And then dear readers
I opened The Card.

It was shocking. Awful. He described me as his fuckin girlfriend ffs.

(We have been an item for almost 5!years and are ttc)

How dont suitably punish this god awful monstrosity of a "valentine " card?

For the record....he got none last night. I was incensed!

I'm in my fertile window so can't sulk for long.

MysticReg · 15/02/2019 21:03

Noooooo Thigh I cant be allergic to red wine. Can I drink Archers and lemonade and pretend it’s 1994?

derxa · 15/02/2019 21:06

your baby can't read. Give them some chocolate buttons instead. Brilliant advice. So wise Grin. Now ensconced with G&T and Martin Clunes. Cheers! Gin

BHStowel · 15/02/2019 21:11

MysticReg

Surely that should be an Archers and orange juice if it’s 1994? A Fuzzy Duck...

Thigh, my feet are cold, but I’m laying in a comfy spot on the sofa and can’t be arsed to go and get some socks. SOS

UtterlyDesperate · 15/02/2019 21:11

Brilliant advice, Thigh - I think you've saved the day! Now lying down again in celebration. With celery.

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 15/02/2019 21:12

Esca I think the nurse was complimenting you on your capaciousness. I think she fancied you and this was her come hither technique.

OP posts:
Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 15/02/2019 21:17

hellenbackagen I always side with my patients as you know but I think you have been perhaps over vigilant to your DP's recalcitrance here. Your DP has been confused by VD Day and got very mixed up. He took you out on a Thursday and got you an overpriced rose and a card. He did this because Clinton's (not Bill, nor Hilary) told him to. He loves you, but he panicked because of balloons and teddies everywhere he went. Have sex and some flapjack.

OP posts:
Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 15/02/2019 21:19

MysticReg of course, or you could be even more retro and have a malibu and pineapple.

OP posts:
MysticReg · 15/02/2019 21:20

Ooooh malibu and pineapple! Or Hooch?

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 15/02/2019 21:22

MysticReg that's a step too far. Cointreau or dry martini and lemonade would be fine ditto campari and soda.

OP posts:
hellenbackagen · 15/02/2019 21:22

Oh thank you so much 😊

I think actually I love you . But it could be hormonal.

We need this wisdom on a weekly basis.

I was on your last thread btw. I drew a picture of me. Grin

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 15/02/2019 21:25

hellenbackagen have you namechanged? I liked that thread, but so few people joined in that I got sad and bored and went for a walk in the sun instead.

OP posts:
hellenbackagen · 15/02/2019 21:27

Yes I name changed!

I am still very proud of my dressing gown tits.

And
I still love you.

Grin

hellenbackagen · 15/02/2019 21:29

And I do t blame you for that walk in-the sun.

I'm doing an Aldi booze run tomorrow. I think that's the same. ??