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Original poster

Apparently, I'm Dead.

999 replies

BigFatFanny · 13/02/2018 08:21

I woke up this morning and casually checked my facebook feed, to find 12 messages from people I haven't seen in years telling me to rest in peace and letting me know how missed I'll be.

At 5:30 in the morning as I rose bleary eyed, the thought did cross my mind that i had in fact died and if I had, did that mean I could go back to bed?

Alas, after a swift pinch test, it appears I"m very much alive.

Of course I've posted a status confirming I'm very much alive and called my family to confirm I'm fine, and I've sent a few messages to the people who posted on my feed to ask why on earth they thought I died? So far, no replies but the day is still young.

This is what I've got so far:

As far as I can tell with the exception of 3, I went to school with the majority of the mourners and haven't spoken to them in years. The working theories are:

Me: There's been some form of school reunion and someone has spread the rumour that I've died without realising half the people there have me on Facebook. Motive remains unexplained.

DH: Someone is plotting to kill me and is testing the waters to see how many people would miss me...

DF: It's the government. No further explanation required, apparently Hmm

DM: Bad taste practical joke

DSis: Aliens.

I'm hoping to get replies from the people I've messaged ASAP and trace the source of my untimely demise, but not having spoken to most of them in years I'm not sure how responsive they'll be.

The suspense is killing me! (excuse the pun Blush)

OP posts:
bettytaghetti · 13/02/2018 18:31

Contact with her has really opened a large can of worms, & not just the ones she thought you'd be sleeping with for eternity! She's absolutely barking mad and possibly a teeny bit dangerous.

Kerantli · 13/02/2018 18:32

So many hills and dips in this thread!

watching a very tall man you adore hopping around the house swearing ‘where’s my bastard foot you sadist’ is excellent

This very nearly had me choking on my food though! If my DP ever wore his teeth I'd probably hide them just for the same reaction Grin

picklemepopcorn · 13/02/2018 18:33

Is it only me who worries whenever BFF goes quiet?! 😱

CoraPirbright · 13/02/2018 18:35

where’s my bastard foot you sadist

Surely that has to be an excellent username when/if the time comes to change!!

This has all taken a rather dark turn though. Was finding it terribly funny but now feeling slightly alarmed on your behalf. From a case of mistaken identity or Chinese whispers to stalking and meddling in your marriage. It’s really quite serious. I would be tempted to put everything on Fb, tagging this bonkers woman in plus all the mourners. Goodness only knows where her lies will end if you do not expose her now and show everyone just what she has been up to. Or can you ask the mourners to weigh in on your behalf and tell her “you told us she was dead, you know you did, we know you did, now just stop fgs”.

brewsandbooks · 13/02/2018 18:35

Has she chilled now OP?

londonmummy1966 · 13/02/2018 18:36

I hope he picks up a death by chocolate pud - after all, now you're dead the calories don't count do they?

Jux · 13/02/2018 18:36

I've reported the opening post asking for the thread to go into Classics. Could a few others do that too?

PistFump · 13/02/2018 18:38

What if we all are actually dead and we're on some weird sixth sense style afterlife forum but don't realise it yet...

Comealongpond89 · 13/02/2018 18:41

Have requested to be a classic

EatingSatsumas · 13/02/2018 18:42

Would it be completely unreasonable for you to go back to everyone who has posted on your wall and tell them that M0 has been arrested by the police for stalking your DH and will probably be held for the next 24 hours...

EatingSatsumas · 13/02/2018 18:43

What if we all are actually dead and we're on some weird sixth sense style afterlife forum but don't realise it yet...

You mean we are all using www.mumsnetintheafterlife.com without knowing? Grin

AnathemaPulsifer · 13/02/2018 18:44

I think she remembers DH as he was in sixth form and not how he was pre- Viking.. he was quite the dish at 16/17 so she’s probably forgotten the 4 years before that of glorious geeky weirdness!

I copied this when I got to that part in the story and carried on reading so I could post at the end that for her to even remember that you and he were together in yr9 she must have had a serious crush on him. Sadly more recent developments seem to confirm this entirely. She is seriously messed up!

Congrats on your chief-mourner though, he sounds truly ace and also doesn't even seem to have noticed his small slightly-mad fan club.

FairyDogMother11 · 13/02/2018 18:46

I have just finished work and I have to say this thread is fantasticGrin

SingaSong12 · 13/02/2018 18:46

where’s my bastard foot you sadist Grin

How do I nominate for classics?

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 13/02/2018 18:47

Ohh, death by chocolate cake. If I have any choice in the matter that's how I want to go (with a bit of dedication I could probably manage to die that way too as I'm diabetic Grin )

Wolfcub · 13/02/2018 18:52

m.popkey.co/bebe6e/xqG7M.gif

whitecremeegg · 13/02/2018 18:52

OP, this is actually quite dangerous, mental health issues or not.

She's stalking you and your DH, spreading lies about you both, saying you are dead and sending you nasty messages. It's harrassment and I'd get the police involved to make it stop. She could keep on saying your DH had an affair. What could she lie about next?

Also she can probably see that you are reading her messages even if you're not replying. Why not just block her?

ZebraOwl · 13/02/2018 18:53

BlackAmericanoNoSugar

I have an anaphylactic dairy allergy. And a Suicide Foods List. Also have EpiPens & willingness to try out "I was testing to see how much of FoodName I could eat before my throat closed round it. For Science." in A&E. (Maybe... I was genuinely a bit tempted when Cadbury's brought Wispa bars back... )

fireflame · 13/02/2018 18:56

Oh yes block her
Better still report her, do not let this go
What a f nutter Grin

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 13/02/2018 19:00

where's my bastard foot you sadist 😂😂😂😂

DancesWithOtters · 13/02/2018 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KeziaOAP · 13/02/2018 19:01

Wow one of the best threads definitely should be a classic. You and DH sound a lovely couple, such wicked senses of humour Grin

PicklingGherkins · 13/02/2018 19:05

Alas I'll be honest and say I've found this fast paced and funny but it ain't no classic yet.

DesertSky · 13/02/2018 19:06

This post is just epic Grin

Seems strange this woman has been fabricating stories for most of her life going by what your DH said about her in school. Think you mentioned she is in a good job etc now. Surprised she’s managed to hold it down as it sounds like she has more of a personality disorder if anything else...!

Well done OP for seeing the funny side of it all! Glad you’re fully alive!

MNHQ
RivkaMumsnet · 13/02/2018 19:10

Hi there,

So we've had about 10 million reports asking us to move this to Classics - so we're going to do just that in a moment.

OP, really glad to hear you're alive and well but have some Flowers anyway!