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Original poster

Apparently, I'm Dead.

999 replies

BigFatFanny · 13/02/2018 08:21

I woke up this morning and casually checked my facebook feed, to find 12 messages from people I haven't seen in years telling me to rest in peace and letting me know how missed I'll be.

At 5:30 in the morning as I rose bleary eyed, the thought did cross my mind that i had in fact died and if I had, did that mean I could go back to bed?

Alas, after a swift pinch test, it appears I"m very much alive.

Of course I've posted a status confirming I'm very much alive and called my family to confirm I'm fine, and I've sent a few messages to the people who posted on my feed to ask why on earth they thought I died? So far, no replies but the day is still young.

This is what I've got so far:

As far as I can tell with the exception of 3, I went to school with the majority of the mourners and haven't spoken to them in years. The working theories are:

Me: There's been some form of school reunion and someone has spread the rumour that I've died without realising half the people there have me on Facebook. Motive remains unexplained.

DH: Someone is plotting to kill me and is testing the waters to see how many people would miss me...

DF: It's the government. No further explanation required, apparently Hmm

DM: Bad taste practical joke

DSis: Aliens.

I'm hoping to get replies from the people I've messaged ASAP and trace the source of my untimely demise, but not having spoken to most of them in years I'm not sure how responsive they'll be.

The suspense is killing me! (excuse the pun Blush)

OP posts:
ReturnOfTheBing · 13/02/2018 16:18

OP, you can't leave it there, what's she saying? We all want to know what DH was doing behind the bike sheds after gym class, ffs

Original poster
BigFatFanny · 13/02/2018 16:18

CockMagic nearly 15 years! Although I always say 10 years because I don't think ages 12 - 17 really count, we were kids Grin

I've known him and we've been best mates since we were 3 though apparently. Our Mum's worked together and were mates so we went to the same playgroup/ nursery, then primary school, high school and sixth form. We went to different Uni's though but stayed together.

OP posts:
TheHolidayArmadillo · 13/02/2018 16:19

Fgs OP, you couldn't have just accepted being dead quietly?? GrinFlowers

Dobbythesockelf · 13/02/2018 16:21

And I get told that being with my dh since we were 16 is impressive. Your not sick of him yet? Haha

Patodp · 13/02/2018 16:22

What are her essays about?!

Patodp · 13/02/2018 16:23

You sound like such a lovely couple. She must be unhinged to have a grudge against you.

StellaHeyStella · 13/02/2018 16:26

You're a miserable old sod Fanny, why can't you stay dead?
You do know you're diddling all your friends and family out of a good old knees up at the wake fwake don't you?
DH could have put some money behind the bar and put on some naice ham sandwiches and everything.

FelicityMorange · 13/02/2018 16:27

This person is clearly full of bullshit. Must be a compulsive liar who makes up stories to get people to think she's interesting. Steer well clear.

Didactylos · 13/02/2018 16:28

Im glad you are not taking this lying down, Fanny, you show some spirit in contacting her . I bet she will be haunted by this mistake.

Didactylos · 13/02/2018 16:28

if this gets to a second thread can it be called 'Fwake news'?

soupforbrains · 13/02/2018 16:29

Gosh I think I love you OP AND your DH too...

don't suppose you'd consider adopting me would you? I'm only a teeeeeny bit older than you but that wouldn't matter right?

Original poster
BigFatFanny · 13/02/2018 16:31

She's gone off on a mega rant. First it was telling me I couldn't trust any of the people I'd said had told me it was her who told them I was dead as they have all hated her for years and want to bring her down (despite pally pally duck faces on Saturday night it seems Hmm)

Now she's moved on to how DH was cheating on me all the way through school so I can't trust him either Confused.. I'm not sure what me trusting DH has to do with any of this to be honest so it's all a bit weird.

For the record, DH has never cheated on me and was a virgin until I deflowered the bugger when we were 17 Grin

She's claiming he asked her out in year 9 which is somehow 'proof' he's a wrong'un and that my 'perfect life' is all lies all over facebook Hmm

I think she's been facebook stalking DH and got herself worked up about our life. We can't have kids (although she clearly doesn't know this) so we travel a lot, eat out a lot etc. From the outside it probably looks awesome and it can be, but there's loooads she clearly doesn't know about DH's health etc etc. In contrast, from what I can tell she had her first child soon after she left sixth form with a guy i know is now married to someone else, so I don't think things have been easy for her.

It's a bit of a downer from here I fear!

OP posts:
Charolais · 13/02/2018 16:31

"The Reports of My Death Were Greatly Exaggerated” Mark Twain.

Crispbutty · 13/02/2018 16:31

Great thread Grin

2018SoFarSoGreat · 13/02/2018 16:32

I'm lighting a candle for you BigFat - it's not a real one, of course. I'm also composing a playlist in case you are too busy being dead to do so.

Going up to the spirit in the sky is featuring so far.

Feel more alive soon!

InsomniacAnonymous · 13/02/2018 16:34

I hope you have shared her all her nasty rants at you with everyone who's involved.

GreenTulips · 13/02/2018 16:35

Write a book!

LOL decent people say whoops! My mistake .... as you were ...

Weirdo!

GetOutOfMYGarden · 13/02/2018 16:35

Tell work that you're dead and that DH needs bereavement leave.

Original poster
BigFatFanny · 13/02/2018 16:36

insomniac I don’t think I can be bothered. DH has read them all (they are through his messenger)

OP posts:
InsomniacAnonymous · 13/02/2018 16:38

Oh OK.

ChasedByBees · 13/02/2018 16:38

I would be tempted to share the messages. You don’t know what she is or will be saying to people about you.

RainbowGlitterFairy · 13/02/2018 16:38

I think I'd probably post her messages for everyone to see, or better yet, print them out and put them in the condolences book for your fwake. Make sure you get one of her friends to invite her to the pub that night.

Blatherskite · 13/02/2018 16:40

It sounds as if you DH might have popped up on her timeline at some point and she's gotten jealous. Telling everyone you're dead as some sort of revenge is still twisted though.

At least you have some sort of resolution now which should help you feel better. You must be feeling like death warmed up Grin

Original poster
BigFatFanny · 13/02/2018 16:40

I still havent replied and she's STILL messaging Confused

OP posts:
BeyondTerfyCassandra · 13/02/2018 16:42

Bet you wish you'd stayed dead now! 😂