Apparently, I'm Dead.

[BigFatFanny]

I woke up this morning and casually checked my facebook feed, to find 12 messages from people I haven't seen in years telling me to rest in peace and letting me know how missed I'll be.

At 5:30 in the morning as I rose bleary eyed, the thought did cross my mind that i had in fact died and if I had, did that mean I could go back to bed?

Alas, after a swift pinch test, it appears I"m very much alive.

Of course I've posted a status confirming I'm very much alive and called my family to confirm I'm fine, and I've sent a few messages to the people who posted on my feed to ask why on earth they thought I died? So far, no replies but the day is still young.

This is what I've got so far:

As far as I can tell with the exception of 3, I went to school with the majority of the mourners and haven't spoken to them in years. The working theories are:

Me: There's been some form of school reunion and someone has spread the rumour that I've died without realising half the people there have me on Facebook. Motive remains unexplained.

DH: Someone is plotting to kill me and is testing the waters to see how many people would miss me...

DF: It's the government. No further explanation required, apparently

DM: Bad taste practical joke

DSis: Aliens.

I'm hoping to get replies from the people I've messaged ASAP and trace the source of my untimely demise, but not having spoken to most of them in years I'm not sure how responsive they'll be.

The suspense is killing me! (excuse the pun )

Wow she is pissed off she has been found out. (Along with all her fake news years ago) she is pretty crap at this dramallama stuff isnt she she keeps getting busted.😀

Jesus! Why is she so angry?? Sounds like she's thought about you a lot since school actually.

hilarious ending, but she is properly angry... which is... weird...

Cheating on you in year 9? How old are you and DH, that's a hilariously long grudge?

Holy crap you’re like Jesus! See you at Easter, OP.

What an utter cow!! Link her comment to M1 and see what they have to say!!

Btw your dh sounds v dishy (I like that word - pleasingly old fashioned).

As you’ve already done the Mark Twain quote, you should now start working your way through other famous death quotes/epitaphs as your Facebook statuses (stati ?).

I’ll start you off with:

“I told you I was ill” - Spike Milligan

She sounds unhinged. I wouldn’t engage, or next thing you know she’ll be saying you attacked her or something. Sounds like she loves the drama.

How does someone that unhinged have friends and a job etc. The mind boggles.

Well she's clearly nuts. Any normal person would have either replied:

1. Sorry I have no idea what you are talking about (if she was denying it). Or:
2. Oh God I'm so, so sorry I must have got my information wrong.

The 'your husband cheated on you in year 9' thing is a really odd way to respond.

Aww sounds like your awful DH broke her heart and she has never recovered. Sob, sob.

Shall we all have a whip round to buy her some {flowers] ?

Wow she sounds like a delight!!

Reply:

I HAVENT SAID ANYTHING!!

So I replied:

Ok, a few people (I named them all) have told me you are where they got their information from, I wondered if you’d heard it from somewhere else and just passed the information on which would have been fine, but I can see from you post this isn’t the case and you are in fact the source of the lie. I’ve asked DH not to, but he’s furious and wants to post the whole thing on his wall and tag you in it, so everyone will know that you lied about me and told your friends that I died. I don’t want that to happen because I don’t think it’s fair, so if you could, please contact whoever you told and correct. Thanks’

She deserves to be tagged and shamed but she will probably block you both now

Change your name to Mark Twain!

Ooh probably best to stop communicating with her now (though your first message was very sensible).

However, This evening I'm going to lie in bed with my arms folded neatly across my chest though, that's a given.

Unleash your DH and get her tagged BFF!!!

This is the best thread I've ever read 😂

Apparently there’s a compulsive lair in every school year!

She's going to go nuts at that message! Never poke a crazy person!!

Really, don't engage with the silly twat any more. Everyone who matters to you knows you're alive and well, and most of them are enjoying the jokes, so no need to worry about her or any other randoms you haven't had any contact with in over a decade.

I'm done now, no more replying at all.. she's clearly got issues and there comes a point where it crosses over to poking the inmates at the asylum with a big stick. I'm not up for that.

😬 as much as I think you are right here...

Never argue with fruit loops stupid, OP.
They bring you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Blimey. Wonder how she will reply to that!

[Gets popcorn]

This thread is the best I’ve read for ages. It’s really sweet you and your hilarious sounding DH have been together since age 12. We had a couple in my year who are still together married with kids all these years later.

Glad your not dead :D