Apparently, I'm Dead.

[BigFatFanny]

I woke up this morning and casually checked my facebook feed, to find 12 messages from people I haven't seen in years telling me to rest in peace and letting me know how missed I'll be.

At 5:30 in the morning as I rose bleary eyed, the thought did cross my mind that i had in fact died and if I had, did that mean I could go back to bed?

Alas, after a swift pinch test, it appears I"m very much alive.

Of course I've posted a status confirming I'm very much alive and called my family to confirm I'm fine, and I've sent a few messages to the people who posted on my feed to ask why on earth they thought I died? So far, no replies but the day is still young.

This is what I've got so far:

As far as I can tell with the exception of 3, I went to school with the majority of the mourners and haven't spoken to them in years. The working theories are:

Me: There's been some form of school reunion and someone has spread the rumour that I've died without realising half the people there have me on Facebook. Motive remains unexplained.

DH: Someone is plotting to kill me and is testing the waters to see how many people would miss me...

DF: It's the government. No further explanation required, apparently

DM: Bad taste practical joke

DSis: Aliens.

I'm hoping to get replies from the people I've messaged ASAP and trace the source of my untimely demise, but not having spoken to most of them in years I'm not sure how responsive they'll be.

The suspense is killing me! (excuse the pun )

First simple and quick step to fuckery - via DH's facebook, go back to some of her really old photos and start tagging yourself in empty spaces. Say there's a wedding photo of her and her DH, just tag yourself in a little space between them etc. Sufficiently weird and unsettling as a starter for 10.

MMmmm. Methinks your "D"H is enjoying all this a little too much.

How attractive is M0? Mad is as mad does, but some men can go a bit mental over a cracking pair of tits.

A fwake sounds fun! I will be having some sausage rolls and tiny sandwiches in your honour.

What a nutcase though. I don’t think I’d want to mess with her directly as she sounds unhinged. I also hate the rush to stick things on FB. I found out about the birth of my first niece this way as my phone signal wasn’t working.

DO IT, OP!

It's a very, very boring week here and someone else having hysterical fun would be so wonderful.

This is amazing.

Your husband should:
A- comment on her wall “YOU KILLED MY WIFE!!” Just to give her the drama she craves.

Or

B-invite her to the Fwake “because she is such a close friend of the family- who helped break the very sad news of your death to all of the less close friends” and he should call her and call her and call her with the weirdest demands- odd food that you can’t cook, now you’re dead, loads of skiddy boxers that need washing, there could be serious fun had with this.

They’re not chrysanthemums...... or ARE they?

How many messages have you had off boss babes claiming their juice plus and aloe Vera gel brought you back from the dead?

I think your dh should just wander around wailing 'it all seems so unreal I swear I can still see bff its like she's still here with me"

Sorry I've not RTFT so I'm not sure if you are indeed still dead?

My comment still stands, but can be changed to " how many boss babes have posted to say their juice plus and aloe Vera gel CAN bring you back from the dead"

sparklymagpie

Would I be an awful human if I called the pub they go to most weeks and booked it out for a wake next friday??

You should turn up in the pub and wait for M0 to go to the bar. Then sneak up behind her and shout "BOO!" in her ear.

you know those products work miracles

The frame thing and call in dead is making me laugh

Hope you briefed your dh on the best photo to upload now you’re gone - grainy and attractive

Haha! Love the fwake!

I'm with your DH. He is clearly thinking staright. You on the other hand seem to be dithering.

Although I suppose we can let you off for being a little less than energetic given that... well... you're dead.

But of course! "Have you heard, there was some collision last night on Whatever street!" "Really?? Hmm, the street name rings a bell... hmmmm... oh yes, i know, you remember BigFatFanny, that's her street. You know, that BFF, I was in school with her DH. Nice lassie, she likes cups of tea. Oh My God, BFF IS DEAD!! How horrible!! Got to tell everyone!! She will be terribly mist, fly high, sleep with the angles, have tea with Di, she loved her tea so much too, may God bless her!!!"

Ohh I just read a book similar to this. The person wakes up in a morning to RIP messages all over her Facebook which no one else can see. It's weird.
I'm wondering it M0 has been reading the same thing.

Someone tagged me in upthread for moaning (and wailing) about my newly discovered turkey neck. I stand by it, if I have learned anything from Mumsnet in the last 48 hours it is that death is not the end but turkey necks are incurable.

Playlist for the wake to include 'Wake me up before you go go' played as a tribute by Dh's band? You also so need a little ghosty emoji to start haunting her fb page.

Change your name to your MN name

This is brilliant thread - kept me going through the early throes of half term with teenagers...

To keep us entertained for the rest of the week could you dream up all sorts of elaborate and off the wall plans for your wake and reincarnate yourself as Wakezilla?

Id send a really boring non-witty non-clever message to the woman reminding her that it's beyond thoughtless to tell people that someone's died when they haven't and that she should be more careful in future.

WAKEZILLA.

I'm dying.

Again.

Are you there, BigFatFanny? Knock once for yes and twice for no.
I have nominated this thread for classics.