Apparently, I'm Dead.

[BigFatFanny]

I woke up this morning and casually checked my facebook feed, to find 12 messages from people I haven't seen in years telling me to rest in peace and letting me know how missed I'll be.

At 5:30 in the morning as I rose bleary eyed, the thought did cross my mind that i had in fact died and if I had, did that mean I could go back to bed?

Alas, after a swift pinch test, it appears I"m very much alive.

Of course I've posted a status confirming I'm very much alive and called my family to confirm I'm fine, and I've sent a few messages to the people who posted on my feed to ask why on earth they thought I died? So far, no replies but the day is still young.

This is what I've got so far:

As far as I can tell with the exception of 3, I went to school with the majority of the mourners and haven't spoken to them in years. The working theories are:

Me: There's been some form of school reunion and someone has spread the rumour that I've died without realising half the people there have me on Facebook. Motive remains unexplained.

DH: Someone is plotting to kill me and is testing the waters to see how many people would miss me...

DF: It's the government. No further explanation required, apparently

DM: Bad taste practical joke

DSis: Aliens.

I'm hoping to get replies from the people I've messaged ASAP and trace the source of my untimely demise, but not having spoken to most of them in years I'm not sure how responsive they'll be.

The suspense is killing me! (excuse the pun )

Would I be an awful human if I called the pub they go to most weeks and booked it out for a wake next friday??

I would wouldn't I....

Please get your husband to publicaly post on her wall and tag you in it .. you could then post on it and pretend your posting from behind the grave

MO would have had you in the Honda on Sat night I bet! I know she's mad as a box of frogs but I would still be coming down on the side of serious fuckery here!

I would tell DH to be careful. Could all be an elaborate ploy to get you out of the picture. Convince him you are dead and then move in to "comfort" him in his grief

oh go on

she sound slike a compulsive liar with alot of issues

sorry about your death op

What and take DH and all your band friends and make a guest of honour appearance around 10pm? Be rude not to....

Your Dh needs to post a rant about her saying this on his page, tagging her and all her friends in it so she can't delete it.
There is definitly some fun to be had here if you'd like to mess with her head too.

OP - booking the pub would not be wrong. Not advertising in the pub that your wake was to be held there, would be.

Public post... (has to be)...

Definitely engage...

OP I'm very disappointed in you. You've missed the (probably only) opportunity to scare the shit out of these people.

I would have stayed quiet, and then gone about my daily business. If I'd have seen someone I knew I'd hide behind a pillar/bus stop/car and then jump out to the mourner shouting BOO!!

Evil I know. Serves them right for not fact checking though, so they can't really care that much can they? If they think a Facebook post for their own gain will be okay as a response to you 'dying'

How is the afterlife anyway? Do the taps run with vodka instead of water? Does chocolate have zero calories? Are there puppies everywhere? Are the clouds squishy and soft or bouncy and cotton-ball-like?

Obviously you now need to be a conduit to the other world. Start posting vague wafty messages from beyond the grave to your facebook friends eg:

"anyone here know a Mary? She's saying the money is under the carpet"

"Rose says that the teapot in the attic is a heirloom and you need to get it on Cash in the Attic"

"apparently you get to stay in bed and get cups of tea. And chat on Mumsnet with random people."

Oh no, I must be dead, too! Can I have a nice bath, if I'm dead?

Vote Fuckery. Fuckery please.

M0 can't behave like this and not expect to be caught out someday. The funnier the better.

You just never know what’s the days going to bring do you! On the up side at least everyone was saying nice things, I would be very disappointed to think I wouldn’t be “mist”. LOL classic.

Agreed you MUST book the pub. You must also arrange for DH and his bandmates and other good friends to attend said wake. You must also pop a sign up in said pub saying;

"The pub is booked in celebration of the life of BigFatFanny. All who knew her welcome"

You of course may attend your own celebration.... preferably lurking in a corner and only appearing after M0 has appeared....

Too bad M1 has found out you are alive, otherwise you could haunt her.

Have some btw OP and my sympathies (although I may be breaching the "wait a week" etiquette)

Time for you to set up a crowd funding page in your own memory

This thread is reminding me of the IT Crowd when Ken turns up st her memorial thinking she's won employee of the month.

Queen of Hearts OP

I think you need to friend request her on fb!

Have you set up a justgiving page for your funeral costs and your poor dh/babies.

At least 100k i reckon. Then you can move to mairitiius and live out the rest of your life by the sea, and no one need ever know you’re not dead....

As an aside, I really hate the rush to post on Facebook when people have died. My DF died very suddenly 3 years ago. I live abroad and the family were struggling to get in touch with me.

My DM told dad's sisters and one of them went straight on his facebook page to post. Fortunately, I don't check FB often so family were able to contact me before reading it there.

Lots of other friends and family found out that way though because we couldn't contact them in time.

Congratulations on surviving your death!

MBNA killed me off once. Once a financial institution decides you are dead it's remarkably hard to prove you aren't!

Send her a load of ghost emoji's

What a massive twat!