What are your best Total Brain Farts?

[QuimReaper]

DH has just come home from a weekend away horribly sunburnt and I was looking everywhere for the aftersun which I distinctly remember buying last summer. I was a bit distracted rushing around trying to find it, and then at down at my computer and opened a browser window, and after a moment it dawned on me I'd been about to Google it. Yes, I was about to Google where in my own house I'd hidden with the bottle of aftersun

In the same vein, a few weeks ago I was at my desk rootling through my handbag when I realised I'd forgotten what I was looking for. It wasn't until I went back to my screen that I realised I'd been looking in my handbag for a file I wanted to attach to an email

Technology seems to absolutely flummox me when I'm a bit distracted! I'm forever getting out my Oyster card to try and get through my front door or my house keys to try and use the card entry turnstile at the library Please tell me it isn't just me who does these daft things?!

These are called processing errors, apparently.

I made a special spag bog for DS1 for his birthday, using casserole steak cooked until it could be shredded, rather than mince. i took extra care when I finely diced the carrot, then scraped it off the chopping board, straight into a sink full of soapy water.

So my (frequent) processing errors are now known as carrots in the sink moments.

I always produce the wrong key for my front or back door. Without fail. I carefully sort them in my head and pick the wrong one. Every time. Drives me nuts.

Had 'a bit of a moment' earlier. I was off to catch the bus, and the stop is a short walk up a road nearly opposite mine. I walked halfway up the road, then thought "No, that goes to [other town], I need to walk to the end of my road and then up to the stop."
So I turned round, walked back past my house, and another 200 yards before realising that I had gone completely blank on where the hell the bus stop was. I walked up a road parallel to the one I'd originally been on, and round the bus stop, was indeed, opposite the end of the original road.
Of course, I bumped in to a neighbour at the bus stop, who asked me if I had walked 'the long way round' for exercise.

If I'm reading small text in a paper or magazine will try enlarging it like you can on the iPhone and ipad.

Recently I set off for the gym but realised at the end of my road is forgotten my headphones.

I went back home and while inside the house thought "oh I should pick up that missed parcel card and book a redelivery". Set off down the road again, booked redelivery, got to gym 10 minutes later.

Still no headphones.

Putting the electric kettle on the gas hob wasn't my finest moment. The smell was horrendous. And I once told my daughter she could buy headphones in New Zealand, when I meant John Lewis.
But by many miles the worst was the time I asked a friend how her Mum was doing, only a couple of days after her mother had died. And I knew fine well she'd died. I'd sent a sympathy card and everything. What was my brain thinking???

O god I had one just this morning.. Went to take the dirty washing upstairs to put in the basket which lives in the bathroom, lifted up the toilet lid and threw it in the toilet

Got into the shower, realised I was still wearing my knickers, got out of the shower, took the knickers off, lifted the loo seat and threw them in the toilet.

Couldn't remember the word for 'butcher', so came up with 'sausage-monger'.

Had my hair done, on the phone to friend, told him about new 'do...then sent him a picture message...my friend is blind! It's not the first time I have sent him a picture message!

Same friend, multiple times have nodded or shaken head in response to questions...When asked if I was nodding my head...nodded my head again!

Also asked him the colour of things/physical description of people...we have only been friends for over a decade!

I had a job in a record store when I was student; one Saturday I was working and had had a big argument with my boyfriend the night before. I was serving a customer on autopilot while in my head rehashing the argument and mulling over how I would greet bf when I saw him later, getting a bit riled up to the point that - instead of finishing the transaction by handing the customer his bag and saying "Thank you; bye now," - I thundered "HELLO!!!" and shoved the bag at him in a very pissed off manner .

Poor bloke looked and scurried out of the shop without a backwards glance.

Hilarious brain fart from a friend of mine was when she suggested I needed anthrax on my bruised arm. She looked very confused when I burst out laughing.
And then lent me some arnica while howling with laughter herself.

These are amazing! Here are mine to add to the mix:
About 6 months pregnant with DD, hyperemesis in full flow, I decided to try porridge for breakfast. Made porridge, grabbed the jam jar and put a large dollop on top, went through to living room and took a mouthful. Didn't taste like jam. Looked down to see green porridge. I'd put mint sauce on it instead

I once sent DH a text which was actually for the family hamster. He was faintly concerned that our pretty dim rodent would have the capability of reading let alone operating a phone.

One of my jobs involves working from home but having Skype meetings and phone calls with colleagues to discuss cases. The majority of the "wingmen" I work with are male. The other week I signed off a video call with "see you later, sexy bear", a rather embarrassing petname for DH. There was silence then, thankfully, he howled with laughter while I spluttered and tried to convince him he looks just like my husband (he doesn't!). The next staff meeting may be somewhat awkward...

I had to fill in a form at the bank a few weeks ago I filled in my maiden name instead, realised it was wrong but couldn't remember my married surname. I had to get my work ID card out of my bag to see my surname, I've been married for more than 20 years.
Going on a night out with a friend DH dropped me off after we had gone shopping. I jumped out of the car grabbed my handbag and a bag of the shopping and dashed into the pub only realised I had the bag of shopping tucked under the table about an hour later when I reached down for my handbag to go to the loo.

Too many to mention -
I always touch my screen on the laptop. I know it's not touch screen, but still, i try.
Try to get in my block with my work ID instead of the fob, then wonder wtf it won't open.
Peoples names, including my own kids. Was trying to introduce one a few weeks ago to a work colleague, dd had to say her name. Luckily they are both used to me.
Interviews and that moment when they ask you your name, I sit and look at them like they are the crazy ones.
Start freaking out that I cannot find my mobile, whilst I am talking to someone on my mobile.
Find random stuff in the fridge/freezer that should be in either. Kids always go after me and check they are so used to it.
When reading an actual book I turn it to portrait mode, turn it around the other way, shake the book to try and get it to move and shout at it to bloody turn.
Again when reading an actual book, slap it because it's light seems to have stopped.
Wonder what the cashier wants money from me for. Then I realise oh yea they want paying for goods.
I have all our dobs written down. When asked how old x is, I have been known to say why you asking me, like I would know.

I could go on. My life would be screwed without reminders, calendars, the dc's and written notes.

Ds had an appointment with a physiotherapist. They were always in one building on the far side of town. Drove there, got out, walked up to reception to book in and remembered they'd moved to new premises about 2 years (and several appointments) earlier. Even worse my friend is one of the PT and I'd seen her at school drop off with dd and we were both heading to the same place so I had to call and explain rather than just pretending it was due to traffic.

I went to pick up my new glasses and have them fitted. I sat there quietly whilst she checked the fit around my ears. I was trying to build myself up to complaining that they weren't the right ones as my vision was really blurry. Luckily I remembered in time that I was wearing my contact lenses with the glasses on top! No wonder I couldn't see properly.
One Christmas Eve whilst working on counters we had our first customer and I went over to say 'hi, what can I get you' instead What came out was 'what do you want' luckily it was a regular so we had a laugh about it.
I've tried to turn the tv over with my phone. I once lost a bag of apples I had just bought and only found them after I found a bag of chips in the fridge!

it feels like I'm walking around constantly holding a bellend". There was a rather awkward silence after that one I can tell you.

This made me laugh so much I woke my husband who was ill! I tried to read it too him but couldn't speak for laughing

One morning made a cup of coffee for myself, and for some reason put washing powder instead of sugar in it. Went and sat down, took a large gulp and nearly threw up, spent a good few minutes heaving and eventually realised what I'd done. Shook my head at how daft I'd been, sat back on the sofa and took another bloody drink of the coffee, ended up throwing up and wondering how the heck I could be so stupid! Wasn't my finest hour.

Also several times left the house to take the kids to school, locked the door behind me, got as far as the car park and realised that I'd forgot the kids. Woke up once in a complete panick because I thought I was late for work, spent several minutes trying to call them to say I'd be there ASAP while shoving clothes on only to eventually realise it was still the middle of the night.

Both in my defence with baby brain. Driven the car to the next nearest town, forgotten I had and caught bus home.
Luckily dh was home as I was about to report it stolen from my drive when he reminded me I drove in
Secondly took ds to nursery and had dd who was a newborn in one of this maxi cost car seats, he was upset so I walked him from the cloakroom to the dining room for breakfast leave dd asleep in cloakroom, left without her. Luckily saw a friend on way back to car (parked a street away) who was asking about dd...... I ran to reclaim her and begged friend not to tell dh

This thread is extremely good value: can't think how I missed it when it was new!

Nothing as spectacular as "floor cardigan" but I do suffer processing errors increasingly often. Usually more along the lines of "the ... thing ... in the place where the ... you know" so not as funny in retelling.

But when pfb was very small I was getting nearly no sleep (wake, feed ebm, settle baby, express next feed, get maybe an hour's sleep, repeat) and was very worried about accidental cosleeping. One night I woke and could see the baby in the bed with me, lying on his stomach. In a complete panic I tried to pull the covers off him and roll him over. It was DH. Who is 6'8" and about 18st. Definitely not our newborn, still sparko in the Moses basket on the floor on my other side.

And when said pfb was weaning and still didn't sleep for longer than ninety minutes at a time I diligently home made stock to keep his food as low-salt as possible. So I stank out the entire house boiling beef bones for hours, then carefully strained the resulting glorious hearty dark stock through a colander ... straight into the kitchen sink. And watched it drain away, thinking, "Wait. Something isn't right."

I'm very short sighted and wasn't wearing my contact lenses for this one: I stared in shock and horror at the seemingly melted cavity where baby dd's eye should have been - she'd moved her head and I was looking at her ear.

Back when I was in the sixth form, I was told off for not having done some homework. I genuinely couldn't remember what it had been or in fact any of the previous week of school.
Because I'd been on a week's work experience.

I used to use a mac and work and PC at home. My work mac had a feature where you move the cursor to the top right of the screen to wake up and display all your open windows, so I'd just get in, sit down, and push my mouse over as I set down my purse, etc.

But then every time I sat down to my PC at home, which was on a much smaller desk, I'd do the same move and basically sit down, adjust my chair, and knock my mouse right off the desk. Every day.

Now I'm forever pushing my mobile around on the desk annoyed that my cursor won't move.

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Another one I do constantly is go to grab something off a shelf - looking right at it, watching my hand reach out and pick it up, walking away with it - only to discover, usually much later having settled down to enjoy whatever it is, that I've actually picked up the completely different item next to it.

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My best one by far, however:

DH and I went to the chemist to refill a regular prescription, gave details, the girl couldn't find the prescription. Tried my name, his name, old addresses and phone numbers, typoed spellings, and nothing. Well wtf? DH and I are both adamant with the girl - genuinely on the verge of steaming by now - to please look again, I know we're in there, as this is where we come every month and have done for years.

Nope! Neither of us had ever once so much as entered that shop before in our lives, AND it wasn't even the same chain as the one that does our prescriptions! (Never been back since, either! )

After a very long day at work, I was waiting at the bus stop. I could see a bus coming so I looked at the route number and thought "Ah well, it's not my one." The bus pulled up to the stop and I got on, paid the fare and sat down. The bus then drove off yet it took several stops before my brain finally kicked in and made me get off the bus.

My dh and kids always bring this up to embarrass me,it happened nearly 20 years ago!

The post man knocked on the door,it was about 7am and I was very sleep deprived as had a newborn and a 15month old.

Postman smiled passed me a letter and said "Thomas Cook"

I smiled back and said "sorry Thomas Cook doesn't live here"

I have no idea how he didn't laugh at me but he replied "No dear the letter is from Thomas Cook"

I then realised what I had said,mumbled thanks and shut the door.

He must have laughed about it on his way round his route.