Help me get over my vanilla cuntyness

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I haven't told anyone this in RL because I am actually mortified at myself. I am a fluent, but not native, Spanish speaker. But for some bollocky reason I said something completely fucking stupid recently.

Instead of asking for a vanilla ice cream cone I asked for a vanilla cunt. What kind of idiot am I? To make matters worse, the person serving me laughed with her colleague about it (at me, not with me!) I was too mortified to laugh at myself and haven't stopped cringing.

Help me get over it by telling me some gaffes you have made, either linguist or just plain stupid.

Aaarrgghh I'm cringing for you.

I often get schwul and schwül mixed up in German. One means humid & the other means gay! I've given up describing the weather as humid

Spin it. Make yourself sound 'ard & 'orrible..

'Give me a vanilla, cunt'. Works for Phil Mitchell.

And to make you feel better - had it not been for spellcheck I'd have sent an email to a German colleague asking her to contact me if she needed any fuhrer information.

A friend of mine got chicken (pollo) and dick (polla) mixed up in Spain, shouted her order in a noisy bar, just as she did it all went quiet and was heard by most of the bar. I often said conyo instead of conmigo when first learning (so, cunt instead of with me..would you like to come cunt).

Ah you made me laugh out loud!
Thank you

They must have thought I was such a twat: speaking fluent Spanish and then throwing in the c-bomb!

Pollo / polla - classic!

In French gcse we had to do spoken things. A friend said she had two strawberries instead of two brothers. I laughed so much I got sent out of the room to calm down. When I came back to do my speaking bit I forgot what I needed to say and also said I had two strawberries.

Haha! The imagery with that one is good

I sent someone a Christmas card with Bonne Noel on it last year
Note the disagreeing verb & adjective.
I think it's the equivalent of wishing someone a merry anniversary/moderately pleasant birthday/passable retirement etc.
Just all wrong.
Has any one read David Sedaris' 'Me talk Pretty One Day'? Oh how I laughed.

The German word for "puddle" is one letter different for the word for "cunt", which has led me to being terrified to use the word, to the point where I've had to say "the water on the pavement that's from rain" instead of the simple word "puddle".

caulk about the strawberries.

A friend of mine went to a gay club in Paris when we were quite young. After meeting a nice bloke and chatting for a while as best they could with the language barrier he said "voulez vous baise moi?" He thought he was saying "will you kiss me?" But when his new friend said "oui" I think he got more than he bargained for!

(He was surprised but pleased about about the turn of events )

My strictly vegetarian friend said she liked to eat ears in her German oral exam instead of fruit. They're not even super similar (ohren and obst); she's just not a linguist.

I am a linguist, which is why I'm cringing so much. One day I'll laugh...

I mixed up conejo/conyo once and asked someone if there were many cunts in the fields around here. I was making small talk with a farmer we were trying to convince to let us neuter stray cats on his land. He didn't agree.

A friend of mine on French exchange at school cheerfully announced "I'm pregnant" to her host family at the end of a meal, rather than "I'm full"! Poor host parents must have had heart attacks!

In my defence, I was utterly shattered and DS wanted the loo and food simultaneously. I went up to a snack stall and asked for a chocolate chip cookie, except, instead of saying je voudrais I said je suis.

I didn't work out why the guy was giggling madly until I was walking away. Mortified.

I remember at school everyone always confused chicken and rabbit in German and would end up ordering rabbit and chips in their cafe role play.

To a newbie in Russian 'to write' and 'to piss' are only a conjugation apart.... Had a shouty Russian yell at me 'and YOU are pissing ME off' after I pathetically mangled a simple sentence

Aardbeien and aambeien do not mean the same thing in Dutch (one is strawberries the other piles)

I asked for two "schiessen" of ham . . . .

My friend sent out an email to her entire department reminding them to bring their willies to an outward bound team building event because the ground might be soft.

The replies she received were hilarious.

She was dying though.

I was sent to run a marketing department in our office in the Philippines a few years back. I was the senior manager. Everyone was lovely and they all spoke perfect English but I wanted to make an effort to address them in Tagalog so after some research I sent a nice (so I thought) greeting to them all via email. Only something got lost in translation clearly because instead of saying 'Hi everyone!' I apparently said 'Hello Whores!' . They were so polite they had to have a conflab to nominate which of them was going to, nervously, break the news to me. All turned out ok though, I was there for three years!

Prior to going on a German exchange, I sent my host a birthday card. Not knowing the German for birthday, I looked it up and was very chuffed with myself... until I got a letter back explaining that I had put happy birth control!!!

Don't fret; you WILL laugh about it one day but until then, thanks for making me smile.

Disappointed.

Came on here to suggest Fetlife, now see it's about something totally different/