Help me get over my vanilla cuntyness

[Youuttercono]

I haven't told anyone this in RL because I am actually mortified at myself. I am a fluent, but not native, Spanish speaker. But for some bollocky reason I said something completely fucking stupid recently.

Instead of asking for a vanilla ice cream cone I asked for a vanilla cunt. What kind of idiot am I? To make matters worse, the person serving me laughed with her colleague about it (at me, not with me!) I was too mortified to laugh at myself and haven't stopped cringing.

Help me get over it by telling me some gaffes you have made, either linguist or just plain stupid.

PS Use "cucurucho" next time.

I am crying laughing here :):):) This thread is the funniest thing I have read in ages :):) absolutely brilliant :):) xx

I meant to say that my friend was meditating.
I said he was masturbating.

To be fair, he probably was.

1. When talking to my lovely old Italian landlady, I said that the 'zampone' were biting at night. I meant zanzare, which are mosquitoes. Zampone are pigs' trotter sausages! No idea where that one came from

1. When drunk in a nightclub (I was a student, ok?), I ordered a Jack Daniels with giacca (a coat) instead of ghiaccio (ice). Probably a sign I should have stopped sooner

On same German exchange age 13 i thought i was being fed dog meat (hundfleisch) ..but it was chicken (huhnfleisch).

In the early 80s we went on a day trip to Calais (we were very sophisticated)

We were all a bit worried about using our French, but my mum volunteered and asked for "2 craps" very, very loudly instead of "2 crepes". The French man serving looked rather confused, so my mum just shouted "2 craps" even louder😂
He probably didn't understand why me, the rest of the family and all the other English people in the queue, were crying with laughter.

Fairnotfair

My DP who's first language is Somali,frequently gets the words 'chicken' and 'kitchen' mixed up so I was when he asked for some chicken roll instead of kitchen roll. He also confuses the words 'cushions' and 'curtains'.

I had a friend years ago who pronounced the word 'sheet' as 'shit'.

A Japanese friend of mine had a high flying job in a city bank. One day his mum phoned and had a chat. As he put the phone down it rang again. Without thinking he answered in Japanese 'moshi, moshi' only to find it was his very important client calling from Frankfurt. In German Muschi is a slang word, possibly more pussy than cunt IYSWIM but it still took some explaining.

A French friend that should have said!

It is Je suis fatigué though

And Je suis fatiguée for the feminine form.

Loving these! Has cous-cous been mentioned yet? Means pussy-pussy in quite a few languages!

My flatmate when I lived in Spain was French, and her language skills weren't the best. She made a right tit of herself in the bakery by asking for "bragas pequenas" when shopping for bread - "barra pequena" is a small loaf, "bragas pequenas" are small knickers.

Time to throw my favourite Spanish word into the mix - gillipollas.

A long while ago now, but I confused "le moule" and "la moule". Instead of saying that you had to enter into the mould, I said enter into the vagina.

Not quite the same but there was a child at my kids' school last year called Coco Jones. Spanish speakers found this very amusing.

Also "embarazada" in Spanish doesn't mean "embarrassed" and "constipada" doesn't mean constipated.

You know you really can get vanilla cunts from Morrisons?

groceries.morrisons.com/webshop/product/Carousel-Oyster-Delights/217382011?dnr=y

With coconut sprinkles.

In a grocers in Arles my husband asked for some batteries and was presented with a box of tampons.

I've no idea if this was a linguistic error or just the French being cocks.

Either way it made my holiday :-)

Picking up various goodies from my Chinese class. The trouble is Chinese is a tonal language.

So baba (falling tone on the first syllable, think toddler throwing a strop and stamping its foot) means father.

On the other hand, the slightest hint of hesitation in that foot stomping moment, and you (well, I) produce a turning tone instead on the first syllable, and inadvertently say poo-poo.

So, I give you:
Your mother, your poo-poo, are they well?

We had to take my 4 year old Godson to hospital when on holiday in Spain (we had a police motorbike escort through the streets of Granada, but that's another story!), and his Mum, my friend, wanted to tell the staff that she was a nurse. But she told them that she was a hospital.

I had a dutcb employee, as we went into s meeting she announced to the room it was supposed to be hot today so she had come out without her panties on and was now really cold and wished she'd put them on.

I honestly just stared at her and couldn't quite get my head round it, I mean what do you even say to that, "yes that would be chilly"? It was only later someone told me panty was tights in Dutch. 😂

Will out me but hey ho, when I'd recently moved to Germany and got lost in the new town, I was stuffed I thought. Then an elderly woman stopped and offered to help, but she didn't speak English and I didn't speak German at that point - however - turns out we both spoke French!

So almost 20 years ago a German woman gave a Scotswoman directions home in French!

Also when I was on school exchange to France host parents were out and me, the Penpal and her older sister were getting ready for a dance thing at their school. The Penpal (who was a spoilt little madam!) began crying and wailing and OMG what is wrong? Eventually the older sister says to me

'She thinks she is dying' at which point I of course go and 'shouldn't we call an ambulance?' Although she wasn't visibly in pain/injured

The sister then realised her mistake and said

'No no sorry I mean to say - she said she wants to die'

Turns out she was paranoid about a zit and the boy she liked was going to be at the event

In Turkish I was fucked and I'm bored are just one dot on a letter i different (as my friend discovered much later after repeatedly declaring how fucked she was to all her new colleagues, bosses and bigwigs in her new job).

I was in france at 11 and was looking for the station. I asked "Ou est la guere", instead of "Ou est la gare". The old chap looked confused and said "La guere est finis"... I still cringe

I lived in Japan for a while, and generally when I made mistakes I was unintelligible rather than rude.

I did manage to announce once "when I was smelly (kyu-sai)" instead of "when I was nine years old (ku-sai)". The rest of the teachers nodded politely and it was only a few drinks later that they corrected me.

My best story was a misunderstood English one. I used to teach elementary school once a week - it was my favourite part of the week - 5 and 6 year olds who just thought I was amazing. One day we were doing body parts. I pointed to a body part and said the name twice - once at regular speed and once much slower. All fine until I got to the face.

"Chin. Chhhiiiiinnm."

Class full of 5 and 6 year olds scream with laughter and can't stop. Japanese class teacher looks very disapproving.

Chin chin is the equivalent of saying "willy".

My sister asked the ice cream man for a 69 instead of 99