Help me get over my vanilla cuntyness

[Youuttercono]

I haven't told anyone this in RL because I am actually mortified at myself. I am a fluent, but not native, Spanish speaker. But for some bollocky reason I said something completely fucking stupid recently.

Instead of asking for a vanilla ice cream cone I asked for a vanilla cunt. What kind of idiot am I? To make matters worse, the person serving me laughed with her colleague about it (at me, not with me!) I was too mortified to laugh at myself and haven't stopped cringing.

Help me get over it by telling me some gaffes you have made, either linguist or just plain stupid.

I once ordered a zumo de araña (naranga) and many years ago told my students i'd bought a lovely set of cojones from Ikea at the weekend (cajones, obviously). I have also made the conmigo/coño mistake more times than i've had patatas bravas

Someone in my GCSE French oral exam started off with je m'appelle champignon. It all went downhill from there (wasn't me!).

However, I have also had a delightful early-60s real gentleman bank manager student tell me at 8am on a Monday morning, while my belly was rumbling, that he had already had a lovely breastfuck in his chicken. I have been dining off that for 14 years

Can't compete with your utterly hilarious vanilla cuntyness, I'm afraid (thank you so much for that, it made my evening!), but I'm another casualty of German schwul/schwül, it's really easy to slip up with that.

Also, there is a French expression "on a pied", meaning you can touch the bottom in a swimming pool or whatever. When on holiday with my French penfriend and her family aged 17 I merrily jumped into the sea exclaiming "J'ai un pied!"" (I've got a foot!). Yes, quite

Hello Whores you're killing me

Phoenix - were you at the same school as me? I remember my French teacher telling us about a pupil who,said " Je suis fatigue" thinking she was saying I'm tired.

I can't say my worst gaffe as it will totally out me.

Slightly not as bad- teenager in France asking to buy spoons (to take back to the hostel and eat the enormous gateau that we had bought from the patisserie), however I don't know the word for spoons.

So I mimed using a spoon and made a lot of "mmmm... Les utensils..." noises...

The poor chap was roaring with laughter and we left completely affronted. (Apparently my mime looked incredibly similar to a blow job. I am never picked for charades.)

I feel so much more normal now. Amongst linguistically challenged friends.

What's the pronunciation of the German schwul (sp?) differences please?

'Hello whores!'

I'm using that from this day forth as my all purpose email salutation.

(I too have urged Spanish friends to 'look at all the cunts in that field')

A written rather than spoken cock up.
'Describe the functions of the skin' was a question in one of my nursing exams.
Maras clever clogs remembers that something beginning with S is produced and acts with sunlight to produce Vitamin D.
Leaves the missing word till 'times up' hoping for divine inspiration.
Suddenly remembers 'of course, it's semen innit'? and inserts the word that should have been Sebum.
Wonder if the examiner is still chuckling.
I managed to pass the exam but God knows how
Duh.

Not me but my sister, who speaks very basic German and wanted to send a card to my German-speaking PIL. With the help of an online translation tool she composed a little note saying she hoped they'd got back home OK after their visit. What it actually said was that she hoped the back of their house was pleasant ...

What's the pronunciation of the German schwul (sp?) differences please?

The literally only difference between schwul (gay) and schwül (humid weather) is the umlaut in the second word. It is hard to explain how to pronounce that to someone who doesn't know, (ue is an approximation, you pronounce the u a bit more like e) but don't worry, the words do sound extremely similar in German and a non-native speaker talking about the weather will be understood - though people might chuckle a bit.

I didn't know about the difference between pollo and polla, (never knew the latter) and wonder why the word that means cock ends with "a", when usually "a" is a female ending. Doesn't really make sense, that.

I sometimes slip up on words in English even though I'm fluent (bilingual household). For the life of me I couldn't remember what a dressing gown was called in English and for years I called them tea towels.

You're right Vestal it doesn't make sense but best avoid asking for una polla asada anyway

schwul = gay is shvool, more or less.
schwül = humid/muggy is harder to describe, as there's no equivalent vowel sound in English. It's like a French "u" (as in "rue") with your lips pursed, if that helps?

Years ago when I'd only been working a few months, I had to type out a compulsory purchase notice when in the Department of Transport. I didn't check it and had typed "pubic enquiry" rather than "public enquiry".

Not even a foreign language one!!

I have a US friend who told a room of lively 10 year old (UK) boys at a sleepover to sit on their fannies. They thought it was hilarious (and since she is not easily embarrassed, so did she )

I asked for a headache in a pharmacie once. I was looking for the name of the tablets I usually took, and said 'Je voudrais....un mal de tête?' when I couldn't see the tablets. Lucky she didn't whack me with something and say 'et voilà!'

I've also heard of someone loudly and proudly ordering 'connard à la moutarde'. As if andouillette isn't bad enough...

Isn't je suis fatigue I'm tired??!

When I was in my early teens, my parents looked at me aghast when I said I wanted to be a hooker. I meant hustler, I wanted to hustle folk at pool.

Christ, I'm doubting I've got the right word even now.

Isn't je suis fatigue I'm tired??!

I expect she meant the Je suis/ai chaud thing.

I've asked for a bowl of ass in Japanese.

There's a German word "verstopft" which basically means "blocked" and can be used in many different contexts, eg to refer to a bunged up nose, or traffic congestion etc. Back when I did A level German we had to translate a text from German into English, and were allowed to use dictionaries to help us.
My friend chose what she thought was the most impressive possible translation of verstopft and confidently wrote that during rush hour the streets were badly constipated.

I was having my hair done dyed full works, I said to the hairdresser you busy etc are they looking for just blow jobs I burst out laughing as soon S I said it so did she I was thinking she must think I'm a f....... eejit

Isn't je suis fatigue I'm tired??!

It was when I went to school

any fuhrer information

Still giggling about this two pages on.

Ah yes, the je suis/j'ai chaud confusion.

I had a friend who thought he was making polite conversation to the barmaid by saying it was hot, then asking her what time the bar closed.

Instead he told her he was hot for her, and asked what time she got off.

Then, oblivious to what he'd done, he went home, much to her annoyance, as she'd taken quite a shine to him, and thought he'd just been leading her on.