Wanky things! Wanky things everywhere...

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Masons Jars for holding lunch and layered salads etc = wanky

Menus that say things like " Shoestring fries ~ 6.5" = wanky

Nespresso's "Vintage" coffee = wanky

Calling chicken nuggets Chicken Gougons = wanky

Gah!

Recipes that involve putting shredded raw vegetables and noodles in a jam jar and pouring boiling water over them - not only wanky but totally does NOT taste like a healthy pot noodle, whatever you try to tell me.

Nothing wrong with gougons. Gougons is proper.

our slouchy camel pant, paired back with our must-have blouson from the summer edit' confused

WTAF does that sentence even mean?

I am on a local Facebook page for the small city I live in and some tosspot was raving about a cafe that's done out like a Parisian boudoir and he said 'XXX cafe is totally rocking the shabby chic scene in FrenchLavendersTown.'

That's full on wankery right there.

It's a good job he wasn't in the room with me, I think I might have had to hit him.

CoffeeAndOranges it does sound as if you have some bona fide "vintage pieces" there

I know what you mean though - the terms have been so overused (and misused) that it's become a bit cringey (to me anyway) to use them even in the right context.

On Approved Food they have tea for £29.99 for half a pound of tea. Thirty quid for the equivalent of eighty teabags! But, but, but, it was originally £81 for half a pound of tea. Eighty One Pounds sterling! That's a week's groceries, and I am a slacker when it comes to budgeting!

I looked at it and thought, well, roger me ragged with a tea strainer, I'll stick to the Yorkshire Teabags.

I'm not making it up

Dh commented on my nice new slippers....no, no I tell him, these are not slippers, these are my new 'room shoes'. Wtf differentiates a 'room shoe' from a slipper?
In fairness, I bought them, because they are comfy slippers.

I have just googled The Botanist, and have two questions:

How do you eat a "famous hanging kebab"?

and

"salt-and-pepper onion petals" are what? Onion rings only peeled rather than cut into rings? I hope they are at least battered.

There's a place near me that serves WWII-themed food in areas called The Churchill Room and The Officers' Mess. Apart from the utter wankiness of turning an actual war in which actual people actually died into an achingly hip "eaterie", it appears to be an excuse to serve spam. Which is fine but you don't fuck with spam. Adding cigar air and drizzling with a gravy browning jus is Going Too Far and they can Fuck Right Off.

I saw this the other day and thought it was appropriate here

Just to clarify - I actually LOVE coffee, especially made by someone who knows what they are doing, I am an unashamed coffee snob and I occasionally treat myself to them. I just don't need the hipster wankery that surrounds the process (and that is hard to find, hence why a trip to be patronised by a 'besleeved twat' is sometimes necessary). The difference between good coffee and pure wankery needs to be defined here!

Is that the same Approved Foods that is normally the go to place if you want 84 out of date curly wurlys for £2.50 Lisa?

They do only have one pack of the £30 left though.

FaitlyBaffled I will go to the barricades for Method loo cleaner not being wanky. Firstly, because it works, and gets the limescale off as absolutely nothing else can. (And I have tried absolutely everything else.) And secondly, because if you have a small flat, a loo cleaner that smells of peppermint (rather than filling the flat up with the smell of Institutional Pine) is a boon.

magicstar that is AWESOME. Hamsters!

archery "How do you eat a "famous hanging kebab"?

apparently NOT FROM A FUCKING PLATE.

Jeepers - the Botany must have share in the Wanky Trading Co.

Fish and chips in a wooden crate? With a watering can of sauce... and a plant pot of mushy peas? What has a watering can, and wooden crate and aplant pot have to do with fish?

PageStill I confess there's a teashop in Stratford I love with a WW2 theme - FourTeas. It's very reasonably-priced, and the tea is lovely.

needapaddle The difference between good coffee and pure wankery needs to be defined here!"

Easy!

Good Coffee: good coffee served in a cup
Wanky Coffee: Coffee served in anything that is not a cup and/or comes with a 'story' about it's life

I've just google-imaged the "salt-and-pepper onion petals", and I WAS RIGHT! They are just onion rings!

wanky onion rings

How do you eat a "famous hanging kebab"?

With difficulty?

I'm picturing it as an elaborate Halloween game, where you have to try to grab a bite as it swings from the ceiling and if you don't get out of the way quickly enough, it twats you in the face and leaves grilled tomato in your hair.

(I have eaten at a Botanist - it of the wanky-chocolate-pudding-on-a-garden-fork debacle, but no one partook of a hanging kebab.)

Wanky distressed look furniture in cafes and restaurants made of rough wood and metal that is no good for cleaning properly.

Add to that- accidentally on purpose mismatched tables and usually very uncomfortable chairs.

"Deconstructed wankfest" is my new favourite phrase.

A chap near us curates buys and resells mid century modern 1970s furniture. Every single chuffing 'piece' is described in terms of its fine 'patina'. I mean, if it was used accurately on just the odd item, then fair enough. But every piece? You can fuck right off, thank you.

Property and home decor wankery:

Self-contained, open-concept, minimalistic living space in period property located in vibrant urban environment = tiny bedsit in terraced, crumbling 1940s tenement in the street between the bus station and the train station

Spaces = rooms
Bespoke window treatments = homemade curtains
Organic airy flow = draughty as fuck
Vintage flooring = old lino and threadbare carpet
Tablescapes - 'artistically' arranged piles of random junk on coffee/dining/end tables
Recycled piece - coffee can you've made into a lamp by spray painting hammering full of holes with a nail and sticking a candle in
Upcycled piece - (often interchangeable with 'shabby chic') old ikea chest of drawers you painted a nauseous pastel shade then rubbed down with sand paper so original color peeps through

Oh, how I hate "upcycled".

Is drinking my beer and whiskey out of a mason jar wanky??

Still laffing at "cheese theatre".

My local pub started doing those hanging kebabs, except they don't warn you they're hanging. My friend's face was a picture, when this 2 foot tall metal pole came to the table with meat swinging off it, that nearly hit her in the face. Why, just why? Nobody wants to be humiliated like that! These wankerish types must be having a laff at our expense!

Oh, and I think using inbox as a verb is wanky, as in, "Hey, inbox me!"

Heh to all of this. Harry Enfield was remarkably prescient:

Well, it depends, Westfox if you live in a cardboard box under a flyover and you have nothing else to mix your beer/whiskey cocktails in - no. If you're doing this through conscious choice - yes.

Annie Yes. YES. And 'reclaimed' as in the wood from an old pallet you've made into a climbing frame for your ancient vinestock cuttings from which you intend to eventually produce your own wine.
And 'repurposed' which is another synonym for 'recycled'.

My SIL wrote on FB the other day that she was "wearing a Marc Jacobs lip and cheek" I wanted to tell her to give Marc his facial features back but she is American and wouldn't get the premise of finding things wank!