Wanky things! Wanky things everywhere...

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Masons Jars for holding lunch and layered salads etc = wanky

Menus that say things like " Shoestring fries ~ 6.5" = wanky

Nespresso's "Vintage" coffee = wanky

Calling chicken nuggets Chicken Gougons = wanky

Gah!

I used to write the wanky copy for a wanky food business before I lost the will to live.

The I Saw You Coming sketches were an office favourite. I have hand-selected a lovingly crafted example here:

This thread is a classic

Wanky consultant-speak. "I want you to mock up a strawman" - a what? A specious argument to detract from your real point? A figurehead? Oh no, wait, you mean you want me to write a first draft.

Collateral = documents, as in "please bring all the relevant collateral to the meeting". It always makes me think of collateral damage.

Oh, and cake pops. Essence of wank.

If someone wants to drink from a mason jar in the comfort and privacy of their own home, then I shall graciously pretend I don't know about it, even though it isn't for me. I have had a friend I know rave about them - the ones with lids - as it stops the kids from spilling drinks on their laptops.

BUT mason jars for salads, cake, whatever else - no, not anywhere. There is no point in a food container for non-liquid food that has a neck narrower than the body. If you must put solid food in jars, then at least shell out for Bonne Maman jars (you will have to eat a lot of posh jam, though I am betting it would still be cheaper than buying mason jars) as the necks are wider than the jar body, and you'd have a fighting chance of getting a spoon in there.

Chips served in little wire baskets , hugely wanky

I decided to order fries from Room service in Vietnam. The came in a lovely metal sculpture of a character riding a rickshaw bike. I thought it was charming (sorry!). I agree with the rest though no jamjars or slates thanks!

Reminds me of this...

If there is too much going on with the plate or bread board ( filled up with wire baskets jars of things, small saucers of things) i tend to just tip the french fries/ sweet potato fries or whatever out of the basket and put it on the table. frees up space for me to actually eat them - and realise i can actually count how many they have given me and realise it looked an awful lot more in the basket than it does on my bloody plate. Its a smoke and mirror tactic to make us think we have lots of food. I know their game.

Everything having been fecking 'Curated'. No, you did not curate (whatever this has been erroneously applied to). You made a list or randomly chose some things/tat (yet more wankery) that you want to flog to me and have tried to make sound exclusive and desireable by dint of having been Curated. No. Just feck off.

I think "curated" first made me do this face in real life when Zane Lowe re-scored Drive (the Ryan Gosling film). I mean, it was a good film, and the music he "curated" went well with the film. But the combination of Zane Lowe and "curated" just

Artisan = wanky

I tell you what really annoys me ... fucking paper.

They serve you nice chips (or sweet potato fries, even better) and a nice burger, with no deconstructed wankery or flowerpot or hand cut bollocks, on a round white plate.

Hallelujah!

But partway through you realise they've put it on a pointless piece of not-quite-greaseproof paper which is now sodden with juices/sauce, and adhering to your food.

Thats why i tip out the chips on to the plate/ board before they congeal onto the not grease paper paper they stuff in the wire basket.

Extra wanky points go to packaging that "chats" to you as if you are an old friend. Shampoo and cereal bars seem particularly prone to this.

Avocados are pretty wanky

Unashamed placemark on wanky, oh so tiny chalkboard flag

I have to admit I will pay over the odds for a good latte in a nice cafe. It's my favourite way to escape the world for five minutes, or rather, to watch the world go by without having to DO anything. There are quite a few around me and I do prefer the coffee at one over the others.

UNTIL I went there with a friend who also lives locally. Said friend likes his coffee extra hot. However he had to ask for his coffee "above the normal temperature" as apparently the regular barista refused to make an "extra hot" flat white because it would, and I kid you not, "ruin the integrity of his craft".

I have stopped going since then, resigning myself to a slightly more bitter latte served by normal people. Albeit in a glass cup instead of a mug!

"Oh, and cake pops. Essence of wank."

Wank on a stick.

Ruin the integrity of his craft
that one sentence has made my day.

I bought some cat food a while ago that had Sea Buckthorn berries and courgettes in it. The cats thought it was wanky and wouldn't eat it.

Menu item prices expressed as fractions... "artisanal pommes frites a la reine 6 1/2"

Wanky.

Calling anything artisanal.

Wanky. Even if they are. Which they almost certainly aren't.

There's one of those fancy cocktail bars near us with foam and steam and shit, it's always rammed so you stand there guarding your 15 quid cocktail that has about 3 sips in so some knob head doesn't knock it over. Every time I see people tagging themselves in on Facebook I think FOOOOOOL! There's a Wetherspoon around the corner where you can get a whole bottle of wine for about 14 quid and actually sit down to drink it!

fractions, thats a new one on me.
all just there to distract you from the actual food, i swear it is.

ahhh babycinnos.... I live in the north east in a old mining town, not much wanky stuff about - thankfully.

Anyway, a lovely new cafe opened up and I was witness to a perfect,y pleasant mum explaining to the woman behind the counter that her little mini me would like one, although there wasn't one on the menu.

I then sat witness to said mum explaining that, not just a glass of milk, but it was frothed up milk just like mummys but without the coffee.

To be fair the mum was really nice, but I could feel the owners internal eye roll and I still giggle when I think about this.

These babycinno's passed me by with two boys who frankly won't entertain a food stop as any kind of entertainment.