Wanky things! Wanky things everywhere...

[00100001]

Masons Jars for holding lunch and layered salads etc = wanky

Menus that say things like " Shoestring fries ~ 6.5" = wanky

Nespresso's "Vintage" coffee = wanky

Calling chicken nuggets Chicken Gougons = wanky

Gah!

That cocktail menu gives me the hee bee jeepies without even reading it: the two full stops and no full stops, and lack of capitals (I'm not usually bothered by grammar leeway normally).

Don't even get me started on the contents "this one is definitely for the ladies" would have me leaving the place!!

Love this thread!

For me it's menus - 50 types of gin, in old typewriter font, one decimal point for prices, and on paper that looks like it has washed up on shore. I'm sure the paper is aged intentionally and isn't just covered in spillages - after all if you're charging £8 a drink you can afford to photocopy your menu.

Im out in the capital today so I'll enjoy spotting the wankery - I live in a village where the local cafe is called the Shed and they sell 'Snax' and have a copy of the Sun on the counter that you can peruse (and argue with the owner about) while you wait on your 'roll on squerr'

Did I read that right, one of those cocktails is garnished with a lump of blue cheese?

Agree about 'this one is definitely for the ladies'

That's not even achingly hipster-ish wankery, it's just wankery.

Anything "bespoke"'or "artisan" is wanky. Also hate most Americanisms, especially saying "season" instead of "series" for tv programmes, including UK tv programmes

I roll my eyes at many of the things mentioned. But we will miss it all in a few years when Brexit has kicked in, we are all scrapping over turnips and all those bar staff / cafe staff have buggered off to counties not in terminal decline. You'll give your eye teeth for a ponced up, over priced cocktail when we are all living in Nigel and Theresa's hell of brown beer and meat paste sandwiches.

Enjoy the wankery while you can.

I dunno, Alconleigh, I think it might get even worse. As many PPs have pointed out, this type of wankery is often just smoke and mirrors, disguising the fact that the actual product is pretty ordinary/cheap to produce. Post-Brexit, businesses will need to find more and more ingenious ways to distinguish themselves - putting a wanky spin on things has to be one of the cheapest ways of doing that.

Maybe we'll be scrapping over "heritage turnip roots" and artisan shippams paste?

I bring you peak wank....

panda and sons

They have a spectrum of cocktails in their speakeasy prohibition style bar. I had to walk past it 4 times until I saw a group of people enter. Because it looks like... a barbershop.

While I was looking up some of the words on this thread, I found a restaurant that has diddy watering cans for cocktails and for sauces. Major wanky. Whoever he is! They also have little pots for sauces that are too narrow for dipping, but the sauce can't be poured out as the food is in a fricken basket. The very least they could do would be to use the wooden (unhygienic) boards they have. Ahhhhhh....

This thread made me think of the wankiest, try-hard menu I've ever encountered. In Glasgow of all places. It's put me off ever going back, not only is it cringeworthy it's also hard to use.

When I go out for a meal I want to spend time with my companions, not spend ages trying to navigate and interpret an utterly wanky and painfully unfunny menu.

http://www.thebutterflyandthepig.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Sample-BP-Menu-2014.pdf

I think that's a winner of wankiness feelitinyourbones. What the actual heck!

feelit that is absolutely horrendous. I wouldn't eat there because of that menu, I couldn't be arsed to read it fully.

feelit, omg.

'Friendly tomatoes' ??
'Poachy the egg' ??
'Sammie the sea bass' ??

Fuckkk offfffff

Peak wank has been reached - close the thread! 😂

Feelit that is the worst menu I've ever seen! I gave up reading it, would be so annoyed if I went there to eat and had to sit in silence for 10 mins trying to work out what the fuck they were serving.

I've just had another look... the pricing! '5 pounds 80 pees'. Honestly.

feelit you know when they say if you put enough monkeys at typewriters they would eventually type the works of Shakespeare? This is what they produce before they get there.

Wankerymaggen.

That cocktail menu!!

There is no place for bacon or cheese in a cocktail. What stupidity.

That menu! It's trying to be really twee but I just imagine it read in the nasal tones of someone who would say things like "methinks" and "that will be twenty of your earth pounds".

I mean the food menu, haven't dared look at the cocktail one

Food one is worse - 'peak wank' as stated above, makes the cocktail one look fairly normal. Normalish.

Question: if the menu price says "five pounds and eighty pees", can you pay using five lb of potatoes and a can of marrowfat peas?

Eighty pees? Do they provide a chamberpot for that?

The ultimate wankfest feelit. So far up their own bums they're coming back out their mouths.

An "approachable" cup of coffee? As opposed to having to sidle up to one's usual caffeine fix with a chair and a whip?

I have fond memories of the coffee in my old works canteen that was basically liquid bitumen. It was amazing. A chair and a whip would be the least amount of respect due to it. (I liked it, to be clear.)

There's now a sort-of-costa bar there.

Have just read (a little bit of, as could not carry on) the food menu. That's absolutely unreadable.

I think someone drank too many Innocent smoothies as a child and it's warped them forever.

(I blame Innocent for the beginning of this baby-talk about food to adults.)

koala love the description peak wank

I visited with a group of exhausted mums of new babies on a rare night out and it was a real bloody struggle to actually order. I'd rather go to Wetherspoons along the road next time.

Although if I was feeling particularly arsey I might go back and ask them to order me in a pizza as suggested, oh so ironically, at the top of the menu.

Or try to pay in one of their alternative currency suggestions literally