Wanky things! Wanky things everywhere...

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Masons Jars for holding lunch and layered salads etc = wanky

Menus that say things like " Shoestring fries ~ 6.5" = wanky

Nespresso's "Vintage" coffee = wanky

Calling chicken nuggets Chicken Gougons = wanky

Gah!

I should like an honourable mention of Fashion Wankery to go to "cold-shoulder jumpers".

If it is cold enough to wear a jumper - a garment to keep your shoulders and torso warm - why oh why would you want the actual shoulder bits cut out?

The expression "Life Hacks" is pure wankeriness.

These are good old fashioned tips or hints - nothing more, nothing less!!!

Ive not heard of life hacks till this thread, then i saw it online when looking at the papers - ' things you must do in life' 30 life hacks i think it was.

Do we all need our lives micro managed these days?

gnushoes

I was noticing how many times I had seen the word 'curated' in the last week - at first I was impressed, now I am irritated..

I love this thread!

'Diet water' = the ultimate hipster wank

I just keep out of South West London then I never have to endure such things.

My 9 year old dd loves watching "life hacks" YouTube videos. She's shown me how to destalk strawberries using a straw and how to cut loads of grapes in one go. I don't mind what they're called. Life hacks or tips; still teaching my sprog useful stuff!

DERXA, Don't panic, all is well, my DD who lives in Glasgow city centre assures me the hipsters all hang around the west end, even they know they'd be told to fuck off back to Byers road and the likes!

In my Loo.
Hand wash with Vitamins A, B &C. Cleansing hand wash! Well it would, wouldn't it? Cleanse I mean, it's a hand wash after all.
Then "Savon liquid pour les mains" It's a cheepo @£2.

My favourite though is so precious, I've kept the empty bottle. I believe only from Waitrose as I've never seen it since.
Heinz tomato ketchup.
"Aux Tomates."

popcorn I don't live in Glasgow but would hate it to be a nest of wankiness. I remember the food at QMU Glasgow Uni in the late 1970s.
'A pie and chips, hen'

My DB works out and about in Glasgow, and was standing in a queue at a greasy spoon to buy something for his breakfast, the door swung open and a "workie" shouted "two rolls on squerr wae broon hen" the woman at the counter replied…
"fuck off ya cunt, theres a queue"

Definitely not a nest of wankiness just yet

Ha Derxa! I remember QMU was almost hipsterish in serving newfangled --cold vegetables salads for lunch in the early 80s. Reassuringly accompanied by a half pound of grated cheddar cheese. With chips, obvs.

Do we think there is also post-wankery? When everyone else has moved on but some horrifyingly uncivilised charmingly quaint places cling on to enduring wankerisms?

I give you the menu classics "duo of" and "trio of". For some reason these innocent words make me incandescent with rage.

Possibly because I can COUNT MY FUCKING FOOD, thanks. Particularly if you have helpfully presented it in an easy to add up "stack".

Exits to kick something.

PS I fully accept that abuse of the word awesome is also a wankery crime

"Investing" in a pair of shoes or handbag, like you are going to be able to sell it on and make a profit, wankiness.

Investing in clothes or accessories is only for the rich i would imagine- some handbags are worth more when they are old than new i read somewhere - although the original price is thousands. Its a niche thing, but typical that the rich can gain again!

"two rolls on squerr wae broon hen"

We had a form of hipster wankyness in the 1980s
We called it Nouvelle Cuisine.

Posh drunk student in Glasgow bar.
"Can I have a creme de menthe frappe"
Deafening silence.
Long pause.
Sigh.
Much rustling of bottles on shelf.
Another sigh.
Pushes pint glass with an inch of dubious green liquid at bottom across the bar.
Long pause.
Very slowly guides the plastic ice bucket towards the hapless customer.
Another theatrical pause and then in the most withering and mocking tone imaginable
""Frappe" it yersel" .......
I am sure Glasgow has many pockets of wankery but perhaps less than most.

Is it only me who finds the trend of wierd serving devices wildly unhygienic?
I find myself scanning other tables when ordering food in new places and whispering, "and please don't serve any of it in something that's not been sterilised in the dishwasher"..as I spot bread in a rusty wire basket, cheese on a plank, chips in an old can and so on..
How is this shit getting past food hygiene rules???

I really hope this thread is a sign that this kind of wankery is on its way out. I am glad to know I am not the only one standing in the coffee queue thinking 'Ffs sake stop faffing about trying to create the Sistine Chapel ceiling in my coffee froth and just hand the bastard over now!' In the meantime if you want to get away from wankery do not under any circumstances go into central Bristol, or worse, down its Gloucester Road.

In my town we have a place which serves beer and other alcoholic beverages. It also sells food and is open from the afternoon until about midnight. Ah you might be thinking, that would be a pub, but no, apparently it's not a pub but a beer cafe, that's its actual name 'The Beer Cafe'.

Gig that's so much like my favourite Frankie Boyle joke

Englishman walks into a bar in Glasgow and says 'I'll have a lager and lime"

Barman "We don't do cocktails"

My personal hate is when an Estate Agent narrative includes the word 'boasts', as in 'the attic boasts distant views of the hills' or 'the house boasts three large bedrooms and an en-suite'. Double wanky with an extra knob on.

I'm loving this thread so much

School photos that are taken at a jaunty angle, so you have to tip your head sideways to look at it = wanky.

The Alchemist serves its chicken and chips in a chicken shaped wire basket

Hair shampoo adverts are wanky. Listing their ingredients as "essence of this", "infused with that". Am I rubbing it on my head or am I consuming it?!