Wanky things! Wanky things everywhere...

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Masons Jars for holding lunch and layered salads etc = wanky

Menus that say things like " Shoestring fries ~ 6.5" = wanky

Nespresso's "Vintage" coffee = wanky

Calling chicken nuggets Chicken Gougons = wanky

Gah!

Gordon Ramsey take on a Hanging Kebab

it's like having a Donkey's Dick swinging in your face

i hate drinking my tea at the hairdressers. it seems awkward and have had hair ending up in it too, trying to fish that out when hair is over my face and i cant see it that well is a feat in itself. the little pot and milk was all very nice but it means doing stuff while they want you to be still!

thats a bit off giving you a self assembly coffee! easier just to make a cup and give it to the client. Its all madness. lets go back to basics with drinks and food.

This hanging kebab sounds really horrendous too. why do they do all these things?

When I see the all the waxed beards, man buns, holes in ears and enormous italic tattoos I'm so glad I was a teenager in the 90's!

I hate this latest craze of holes in ears, piercings, the beards etc etc too.
son has a beard and i hate it so much, so ageing.
he isnt a hipster though.

TawnyPippit YES! Hipster cafes have no need of pitiable mass-market mundanities like training, or thinking about how to get stuff done in a reasonable timeframe.

We have one near us and it's a really nice "space" big room and has nice-sounding stuff on the menu but OMFG. I only went once and I queued for literally 40 minutes, with approx 3 people in the queue in front of me, for a coffee and croissant. Someone in front of me had ordered scrambled eggs and various drinks and the hipsters were totally befuddled. Each thing they did, they had to work out how to do there and then, with several of them discussing it and then moving onto the next task separately. They even had to have a wee think about finding a SPOON to put on a coffee saucer, and then had to CROSS THE ROOM to get one. Grrrrrr! I hate inefficiency too and I was this [ ] close to roaring "FFS I'll make the fucking scrambled eggs, you make the coffee, you clear those plates, and PUT THE FECKING SPOONS NEXT TO THE CUPS!!!"

pulled bloody pork and salted bloody caramel, oh and definitely a lack of plates

I'm not keen on beards anyway, but the waxed moustaches take it to another level. A dad at our school has a really ridiculous one that sticks out in two long sideways points. I always wonder in amazement at how his wife can snog him. He looks like a victorian weightlifter in an engraving.

Halloumi cheese is having a moment of wankery I think.

Pulled pork is another thing where the name just makes me think "Eww." I just have visions of someone messing about with it with their fingers.

Jesus wept, man buns are a whole new level have you ever seen anything more ridiculous in your life

I hate the term "Sport Luxe" in fashion mags. WTF? Gold tracksuits or summat?

Yep salted caramel overkill. It wasn't that special in the first place.

LOL, MaryMorpho - we are on the same page here.

I had the feeling that no one had actually come in and ordered a white Americano to drink in the café before, so they had to have a bit of a think and confer about how best to do it!

(Its been open 3 years...)

Pulled pork is another thing where the name just makes me think "Eww."

Given that "pork" is a euphemism for, erm, the human penis, "pulled pork" makes me think of a handjob.

Which is a shame, because the foodstuff itself is quite tasty.

Has anyone mentioned "overnight oats" yet?

Cold porridge loaded with fruit and stuff to make it more bearable? No thanks.

Flogging basic food as health food wankery again like the "protein bowls", etc

I might have been and gone already but I read an interesting article about a trend among young people called Norm Core, they deliberately dress/live very functionally and blandly I assume its a backlash to all this self indulgent LOOK AT MY AMAZING AWESOME LIFE. A bit too extreme a reaction but it did make me stroke my chin..hmmm

It may have been and gone. Not I ffs

"Vine ripened" tomato's "drizzled" in "Sicilian" lemon juice.

Treble wank factor there!

Servers on a bit of tin, rather than a plate. That's wanky as well.

Great thread OP, very therapeutic

I hate it when fashion bloggers use the term 'curated' - yes, I'm looking at you Wearing It Today.

I recently came to a bit of wankery myself recently. I was making my lunch in our works kitchen and had about 6 plastic bags of lettuce, cheese, ham etc. A colleague asked me what I was doing and I said I had a deconstructed salad. The reality was that I was running late and literally grabbed whatever I had at home and stuffed it into bags

the NISA delivery lorry in our village today had a picture of a burger on the side, in which the tomato, lettuce, burger AND bun were all heritage. I dont think they understand wankery properly they are just jumping on the wankwagon.

heritage is the brand name rather than a description for NISA goods

I recently went to a black tie work do.
The food was all wanky nonsense but it was the desert that wound me up the most.
It was supposed to be eaton mess with raspberry sauce. Perfectly acceptable.
Until it arrived. It was tiny.
I went to stab what I thought was an actual raspberry with my fork (room was quite dark) and it disappeared! Raspberry fucking air!!! Then there was another bit of fruit with a texture that can only be described as "pre chewed and pushed back onto the plate through the gaps in someone's teeth".
To top it all off, the raspberry sauce was three tiny drops from a fucking pipette!! Why do they do this? I want a fuckload of fucking sauce you fucking cheapskate wanky bastards!!!!!!!!!!!

It was, however, served on a plate.

I also spotted a job ad in my local free paper asking people if they wanted a 'career in logistics'. It was job in a warehouse packing web orders. Wankers.

I really, REALLY hate the whole craft beer thing.

There is a beer - and I am not making this up - made from BEARD YEAST.

Gross.

(However, the fact that I hate beer, wanky and regular, is probably something to do with this).

*dessert not desert! Although sand probably would've had more flavour and a better texture.