My husband has just caught me doing something terrible and embarrassing...

[PrettyRicky]

My DH came home unexpectedly and I was in the kitchen doing something I probably shouldn't have been doing but which I do every time I'm home alone.

I was having an imaginary interview on Radio 4 Woman's Hour about my new, hugely critically acclaimed novel.

DH walked in just as I was saying to Jane Garvey "That's an interesting question, Jane. The book's really a reflection on womanhood at times of crisis".

He was just stood there at the kitchen door and said "What is? Who's Jane?" and then looked around the corner to our dining table, presumably expecting to find someone called Jane who'd popped around for a brew.

This thread is just so brilliant. But hey, who amongst you has been married to (or in long term partnership with) Trevor Eve, Roger Waters, Thom Yorke, Simon Neil and even, years and years ago (what was I thinking, he's not even my type) Arnold Schwarzenegger? An eclectic group I know, and not that many of them, but the imaginings have sometimes gone on for months and months.

I was very happy with all of them ... Hmmm, might get back with Simon, we were students together you know, met on a bus (imagining) ...

I do this in the supermarket - mostly in my head but often find myself mouthing the words, whispering or just plain talking.

I'm mostly teaching my invisible audience how to do a good, cost effective shop. I'm keen to point out the good bargains I find, and do a price comparison between similar products in other shops. I announce the budget at the start of the shop and proudly say the end total to my impressed listeners. I like to narrate how I will use the purchased items in a planned dish. This is of course a useful tie in to my successful cookery demonstrations throughout the week. I freeze veg, and when I get it out the drawer I will often exclaim 'I bet you had forgotten all about this in the freezer - the perfect finishing touch to tonight's chilli!'.

Is this self-congratulary nonsense something that anyone would be interested in watching on YouTube? In my head the viewers are well into the thousands by now.

Particularly good reversing/parking follows a similar tune.

When I'm driving , I imagine I've got a really long saw sticking horizontally out of the window that cuts all the trees in half as I pass

Omg condensed that really strikes a chord! When I'm a passenger I play a game that I have an (invisible) stretchy stick that can only touch the grass. I watch it bounce along from green patch to green patch. Tunnels can get very tense seeing if the stretch my stick will hold out!

Yes this is so me!

Always talking to myself at home. Defo going to do the cooking narration.

I often have arguments with people whilst doing the housework, usually with people who have recently pissed me off! I'm always very articulate in these arguments and win hands down.
My other favourite is talking (to who I don't know) about the perfect house I've just bought and how great my new job is and generally how great my life is.

Always do this whilst cooking or doing my make up, this stems from explaining to my LO everything I was doing in her baby stages as someone told me it helps with their development, luckily it's just me and her so no one knows I'm a nut job 😂😂😂

That's hilarious . And it's made me feel better about my own embarrassing moment today.

When me and my mum answer the phone to each other we often say 'well hello there beautiful' in a husky voice. Her landline always comes up private but she rings at the same time. Today I answer with the 'hello there beautiful', and it was my housing officer wanting to discuss repairs.

When I'm driving , I imagine I've got a really long saw sticking horizontally out of the window that cuts all the trees in half as I pass

This made me really, really laugh

I imagine there's a tiny man running along on the pavement next to the car. Every time we reach a dropped kerb he has to jump over it. Can also be applied to motorway barriers, fences, whatever really.
I only do it when I'm a passenger though and sadly I mostly drive these days. I kinda miss the little dude.

Twenty it gets very stressful if I come across a really thick tree trunk! Will my saw be able to cut through it quickly enough or will it get stuck ?

Best thread in ages!

I drove home whilst gently explaining to Tom Hardy that Taboo might have been better if he hadn't insisted on being in ALL the scenes. We are very close, I think he'll be okay

Men do this too. I just walked to Tesco's and as I turned the corner, a bloke walking the other direction swung a fake punch at a lamppost, Rocky style.
When he realised I'd seen him he rearranged his stance, jutted out his chin and swaggered off nonchalantly.

Please please please please please can the real Jane Garvey interview you - I'm in absolute stitches here!!!

Just for comedy value.

You are not alone / I have pretended to be interviews by her for my experience of the role of women in farming!!

Also, have a bit of a habit of building the houses I 'live in' on minecraft. Just spent half an hour deciding how to do the garden, Tom is still sulking and therefore not being very helpful.

I have never told anybody I do this as I thought they'd all think I was mad.I'm so glad so many people to this too.
I often have imaginary arguements with people,and imaginary interviews (me being interviewed),i sometimes narrate what im doing.
and sometimes i look in the mirror and talk through the things in my head with myself as if i am another person-proper two way conversation thing.if I do it for a while I start to not recognise myself properly which really helps make the conversation seem a little more real.
I'm a bloody lunatic

Yes yes !!
I talk to all our pets and appliances because they can talk you know and the washing machine and I have a great relationship, she reminds me I don't really want to wash the red sock with the white shirts again ! And fridge snitches on dh and DD's who's been sneaking food. Bin is miserable in general but cheers up when I get him a new bag.
I also pretend I'm on the radio and terribly eloquent, until I actually got through to the daily quiz (local radio ) and forgot all my clever answers and giggled none stop. Thankfully a car smashed into me in the lay by and I had an excuse to say " oh dear I've been in an accident, well it's been a blast I love you all bye bye now, oh and hi mum " my family still think that's the best thing to ever happen.

Oh I talk to my dogs. I also say good night to them and bye when I leave the house; that they need to be good, the oldest is in charge and that Mummy loves you

I communicate through the media of song or interpretive dance.

I also have arguments with people who have no idea what my beef with them is, until I articulate it to the very pretty lady in the mirror.

Good work spud 'the mother knows...' really cracked me up.

And whoever said spunktrumpet. Brilliant.

If I'm stuck in traffic on my own in the car and I'm bored, I talk in funny accents. I go through every single British dialect I can think of - Scouse, Irish, Scottish, Geordie, Yorkshire etc. Then I do other countries' English accents - German, American, Australian, French etc.

I am really shit at accents so I'd be mortified if anyone ever heard me. Literally the only convincing accent I can do is American (to be fair I can do a selection of regional American accents for some weird reason - I blame Hollywood). I can't even do any regional UK accents other than my own.

Brilliant thread! When I was a teenager at school I used to imagine I was on Grange Hill. Anything even slightly dramatic happened and the theme tune would start in my head and we'd 'cut' to the next episode. I also used to make up videos to songs as I listened to them, and even once imagined a whole movie starring me & Keanu Reeves to the backdrop of my favourite Sting songs. I loved that film - Keanu saved me from an abusive relationship and I got to wear a beautiful green dress and dance romantically with him as he showed me how beautiful & worthwhile I was. Just when it all seemed to be going well for us, my abusive ex turns up out of nowhere and murders me in front of Keanu. Cut to sad funeral, to the song Fragile. I'd love to have the time to do stuff like that now!

I live in a huge imaginary world at times.

Sitting at swimming classes with the DC's I regularly imagine and play out the fact that they're not mediocre club swimmers, no they are International swimmers the best in the country and the reason they are being kept in their small club is to protect them from media attention of being child prodigies in their sporting fields. Or pools.

I reguarly have used to have coffee with David Cameron to advise him on Educational policies and often a helicopter will collect me from whatever event I am at to go and see him.

I often fly to New York for the evening, to go and have dinner and attend an event which without me just wouldn;t be the same.

My car also eats the road as I drive then spits it out behind me.

I always rehearse arguments with people or imagine I've won the lottery

Oh and when I'm cleaning,I talk through everything I do including all the minor details and what excellent sparkling results im going to get by doing it-to my imaginary cleaning apprentice.

I've also invented an indestructible tennis ball for dogs. Multi-talented me.

What a crock of shit. This aimed at the daily mail again ?