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[DeadAsADildo]

(Inspired by another thread-posts may be entirely fictional)

My 10y old has never had a fizzy drink in his entire life.

Of course we didn't buy the helium for the balloons. Xerxes and Iphigenia synthesised it themselves with a small thermonuclear fusion generator they built in the summerhouse.

I identify as a potato and have encouraged DCs to do the same

Whilst I would not to judge anyone and agree that it is best to try to be gender/species/organism neutral where possible I don't think you have given sufficient consideration to the potato's right to limit the use of the word potato to organisms that are biologically potatoes and have suffered the hardships that come with that. However strongly you identify as a potato and whatever difficulties you have had to overcome as a result of this the fact is that you did not grow in the ground like a potato. You may also be pretending to identify as a potato in order to get closer to biological potatoes so that you can take advantage of them and turn them in to chips.

For our summer holiday this year we are cycling to Italy (yes, TO Italy, not IN Italy). So much nicer than all that faffing around on aeroplanes and much better for the environment too.

My three eldest have all got new Islabikes as, at ages 3, 5 and 6, they're more than ready to clock up some serious touring miles. The eldest two have already won several Cyclocross comps up here where we live. The bikes are pricey I know but worth it as the resale value is so high and of course they grow so fast they of course need a new bike every year.

My 6 year old will be pulling baby (3 months) in a trailer (yes, so proud of him! It is a top spec carbon fibre one - again blooming pricey but wonderfully light).

IMO It's worth the expense to get mum and dad the whole family enjoying life on two wheels.

To avoid gender sterotyping when DD was born, I put her in tweed babygros and got her an account at my gunsmiths. She got her first 12 pointer at 4, and butchered it herself. Turning vegan at 6 was not an ethical decision (how else do you get protein out of 60 square miles of marginal heather?) but to disguise her scent while stalking.

Oh God, am crying with laughter at work about identify as a potato

I saw a beggar on the way to work today - don't really agree with giving money as they may spend it as they see fit, or giving sandwiches as they're a bit carb-heavy, so I got dd to draw him a quick picture and sing a song to raise his spirits. He looked at me in a very funny way - I don't think I'm going to bother trying to help any more. Feeling quite upset - dd's feelings were really hurt

AIBU, or was DD's lovely gesture very rudely rejected by this man?

I never allow shower gels, soap or 'feminine cleansers' near my delcate lady area. Even tap water is far too harsh - it contains chlorine, after all.

Instead, I rise at dawn, strip off on the front lawn, do the horizontal splits and then scootch my undercarriage along the (organic, chemical-free) grass by dragging myself with my hands. The morning dew is a very effective, safe and environmentally friendly cleanser.

Of course, one does have to be extremely flexible to employ this method. I find Pilates helps.

The occasional (chemical-free) thistle encounter ensures one is invigorated, alert and ready to start the day.

So here goes, self confessed Music Mom here. We have got a quiet term this term on the music exams front.

DS1 has got his ABRSM grade 7 Double Bass but I worry he is not taking it all that seriously. I suppose after all it is his second study and he's already got his DipABRSM in the piano. (I hope you didn't miss the bit upthread when I mentioned my DS is 12?)

DD did her grade 6 Cello last term and got 135 (I hope given this readership that you all know this is of course a Distinction!) so this term we are just chilling out and we're starting on some ensemble playing (String Quartet for weddings etc). She has watched Young Musician of the Year ( god how I burn for one of my kids to win THAT one of these years ) and is now OBSESSED with the sax so we'll be giving that a go, she'll prob start straight at grade 4.

[Did I mention DD is 9?]

DS2 is making cracking progress on the horn and is already second Horn of the Junior Orchestra at the RCM. [Did I mention DS2 is 7?]

Worked out that this year I have spent £29,000 on instruments, lessons and petrol transporting them to lessons/orchestra. And that's before you factor in the VW Transporter Van we are about to buy to accommodate the Double Bass and the Cello. Thank god DS2 doesn't play the Tuba, that's all I can say!

Good luck to all DCs taking exams this term ( especially if they are older and yet still at lower grades than mine! )

I identify as an attachment parent although of course I hate labelling it to every single person who doesn't even ask me.

I'm so into it that I've never allowed myself to sleep, or even blink, since my DD was born. I insist I watch her at all times; DH agrees and does his fair share of holding my eyes open for me when I'm trying to do my 95% of the housework. I am a sahm after all.

As obviously 'breast is best' she is continuously latched on and only comes off to recite Shakespeare's sonnets.

She is allowed to crawl back into my womb for nap times.

I am a crunchy parent. In fact I'm so crunchy that I hand stiched organic hemp flakes into all my undergarments to make myself an onomatopoeia. This was DDs first word, incidentally, aged 2 months.
Now we only allow her to communicate in iambic pentameter.

I am a crunchy parent. In fact I'm so crunchy that I hand stiched organic hemp flakes into all my undergarments to make myself an onomatopoeia.

She's just turned 517.084 days.

(That's what lazy parents call 17 months.)

I never do any cleaning. I find it too dull, repetitive and mindless. There's so many more interesting things to do and I never seem to be in the mood for it. I won't have a cleaner as I hate having anyone in the house and it's so filthy (in an artsy, bohemian way) that they wouldn't be able to make any real difference, even if I could bear to put up with the intrusion. I suppose some people enjoy cleaning, but frankly my mind is on higher things.

When it all gets too much and my feet are sticking to the floor and the dcs are mistaking hair balls for the cats we simply sell up and buy a new property.

I'm an attachment parent.

I'm also an attachment wife, daughter and sister.

I have a massive sling, which I wove myself from nettle fibres grown in the garden.

II can comfortably fit three members of my family in it at any one time. It's a wonderful bonding experience for my DCs to be so close to their grandparents when we're out and about. Sometimes my elderly dad gets a bit grumpy, but I find if I hum sum whale song he soon settles down.

Sum?

Sorry, was helping my foetus with their ( avoiding gendered pronouns ) Kumon maths at the same time as posting.

They're never going to get all their exam papers written and lessons planned before my due date if I don't help out.

Our penis beaker is in fact a priceless Ming Vase. The water in which my very well endowed DH cleanses himself in, post our wonderful tantric sessions where of course we climax together, is sourced from the Himalayas and blessed by Tibetan Monks.

My dd has identified as a head of broccoli and insists on singing greensleeves most of the time. It is very difficult for her to keep her organic odour as uneducated climate change deniers want to steam her. Dh has said she must never lose her stalk as he doesn't like the thought of purple sprouting sprogs appearing. However dd does have an A level in brassicaology and as she is just 5 should hang on to her tender stem for a while yet.

That's so good of you Yvaine to have other family members with you and your children.

Personally I went NC with all RL persons other than DH once I gave birth. DD is just too precious and deserves every iota of my concentration. I don't want to sully her development by talking to anyone else.

We had a ming vase once but we felt it was cultural appropriation so we walked back to China ('carbon footprint' my vulva!) and gave it to some peasants.

I've been thinking a lot about our carbon footprint and as a family we have made a concious decision to cut down our food intake and limit our intake of water, as it's such a precious resource. We allow ourselves 500 calories a day, vegan diet of course, and we only eat things that we can grow ourselves and, here is the important bit, they have to be able to survive in our allotment with no additional watering or feeding, because water is such a precious resource.

The adults in the family are only allowed to use the toilet once every 48 hours, and the children can use it daily. We flush on a Saturday.

((No one mention the dangers of reheated rice))

I start to prepare my feet for summer on Boxing Day.

I go down to the local artisan woodwork studio and ask them if I can borrow their belt sander.

Once I've taken nine layers of skin off, I prepare a footbath of sulphuric acid, malt vinegar and lemon juice. It smarts a little when I first pop them in, but I consider it positive pain and just breathe through it ( similarly to when I gave birth to anterior triplets without pain relief while squatting under a hedge).

I then smother my newly pink and shiny tootsies in several layers of yak butter, and wrap them in vine leaves until April.

They're like new when they come out, and by the end of May I can usually walk quite well.

Im sorry if this is not the right place to post but I have done something really stupid. I let DS eat a bought flapjack and now he says he doesnt feel very well. Shall I take him to a and e?

I feel sorry for your child.

Hare

I'm not familiar with processed food but I think I read somewhere that if you accidentally ingest some the best antidote is something called an Egg McMuffin? Maybe you should phone your GP to check?

I know, its not like me, I am normally such a perfect parent. I am clearly questioning this however as DS happily took the flapjack.

Well, definitely phone him so he can log the incident, anyway.