to think these are words you never need to hear from a Midwife ? (only slightly lighthearted)

[CheshireDing]

Midwife said told "I can definitely feel a big head".

I am nearly 35 weeks and disturbed is not the word. DC2 had a big head, so what the hell size is this one's ??!!

Seriously practising my hypno now so get DC3 out shortly

Me in public ward during visiting hours: "He's coming out now." Midwife smiling reassuringly: "And why do you think that my dear?" "Because his head is between my legs." Midwife (scream): "Delivery pack!"

I found it hilarious when the MW or doctor would be doing an internal and ask for the torch only to use a massive torch to have a look in my Vagina, as if they were going caving.

They use those industrial torches as standard in Ormskirk...I did feel slightly over-exposed during my internal exams!

Ran into community midwife on way up to ward. ' oh he's massive!' Well yea he is 10lb 1oz!

Lovely mw to me, he is what we officially call a whopper!

While pregnant with DC1, measuring ahead and having consultant meetings every couple of weeks, one consultant referred to her as a 'whale baby' :/ She was a very average 8lbs and had a very normal sized noggin btw.

Being booked for my induction by my consultant after I'd be diagnosed with sepsis at 32 weeks.

"Well I didn't think I'd be doing this. Never thought you'd get this far."
Thanks basically.

Then while being stitched up,
"Owwwww!"

"Oh you can't feel that?!" - Doctor as I feel the needle going in & out of my bruised vayjayjay!

Also

"Don't push!" "Oh she is ready."
When I screamed I needed to push though to be fair I did go from 6-10cm in under ten minutes.

Basically had an induction where doctors said it would be days & after waters were broken was a hour.
I'm having a home birth next.

Good god ladies. I'm glad I'm not reading this and pregnant. It would, er, put the willies up me. Thank god I'm done with my two. Nothing to contribute myself, thankfully. I'm crossing my legs with some of these posts.

Had a lovely home birth, couldn't deliver the placenta (placenta accreta).

Got into theatre high as a kite on G&A, really thought placenta would be removed by salad servers.

In walks the tallest surgeon, sit's at the end of the table and says "I'm going to have to stick my whole hand in, and someone get two bags of blood" WTF?

I am now going to work on the theory that if it's head is massive maybe shear weight and gravity will just make baby drop out, fx (looks hopefully).

Am planning on pineapple buying too this weekend (to eat not to stuff up there), just needs to stay in 2 more weeks then if it's a whopper it can get out.

I suppose I feel I got off lightly with the other two so am worried DC3 (my last) will just all go completely tits up. Maybe my growth scan this weekend will show a dainty little thing in there

A woman at the swimming baths had a 14+lb baby!

14lbs

After 2 hours of fruitless pushing and a lot of screaming the consultant wandered in to my room to ask that I 'quieten down a bit, you are scaring the other women' No fuck off wanker - I'm trying to get this bowling ball out of my pelvis where it is stuck. After an episiotomy on only gas & air, followed by a failed ventouse attempt, DD1 finally delivered using Kielland forceps - weighing 9lb 13.5oz
2 planned C-sections for me after that torturous experience!

you'll be fine cheshire :) I suspect you wish you hadnt asked though!

"You have gross piles"

She quickly corrected herself to say she meant large but that didn't help things either

Whilst awaiting my surgeon for my assisted birth "this lady delivered my baby by forceps, she was amazing, after that I'd let her stick anything up my noonoo"

"Fetch the Major Haemmorhage Cart"

At 41 week sweep.
MW: I just want to let you know your baby might be too big for you to get out
Me: Riiiight so what do we do?
MW: Just give it a go

At 42 weeks I delivered a 10lb03oz baby by caesarean and the consultant told me the next day 'You would never have got her out'

However Cheshire I know loads of people who've delivered big headed babies no probs... it's the big shoulders you want to avoid ;)

In labour with DC1. An extensive discussion about the bluntness of the episiotomy scissors. Yes, very blunt. Very blunt indeed. Really won't be very good for mum to have used on her. But oh well, they're the best we can do!

Discussion repeated ten minutes later. I got off the bed and locked myself in the toilet and had to be coaxed back out by DH. Somehow they managed to perform the episiotomy.

In labour with DC2. Having spoken to the midwife extensively between contractions about my bad experience with the episiotomy with DC1. No episiotomy this time. DC2 was crowning and it hurt. So I yelled. The midwife said something like: "You can do this. Push through the burn just like you did last time."

DC2 was born to me shouting the words: "I told you. I had a fucking episiotomy last time!"

Afterwards: "I'm really sorry. I didn't realise you were going to tear. The baby had a MUCH bigger nose than I realised!"

(For the record, DC2's nose is perfectly proportioned.)

Many comments both times about the quantity of blood. And yes, blood on the walls.

Afterwards, overheard on the ward, "What the hell happened in Number 2 it looks like a murder scene." Me - I happened in room 2.
And, "I'm not sure why he bothered with the episiotomy if he was going to do that?!" Oh fuck, is it that bad.
One thing you don't want to see - your shredded nethers post 3b tear reflected in the operating theatre light.

My DC had a big head when they were born. Ended up with a section!

After DD1's birth via ventouse and episiotomy:

"I'm just going to put my finger up your bum to make sure I've not sutured through" .. Now, this may be common practice but I didn't really need to know that.

Old bitch of a mW after ds1, looked at my stretch marks and shook her head and started tutting! I really wasn't remotely bothered by them as I had them from early on. I was 19 so shy and didn't say a word, had it have been now I would have had a few things to say to her, cowbag 😠

"Im just going to put this anti inflammatory up your bum, you might be sore"... after a double forceps birth (dt's) with no pain relief...

Although to be fair to him, he also screamed at his team to "shut the fuck up, twin twos hearts dropped, I need to hear the fucking heartbeats"

I gave him a hug after!

Midwife sitting down to stitch up my butchered nethers: "Hmm, I can't find the start of this episiotomy, it seems to have torn a bit..."

Good job the epidural was still going strong!

Oh yes, after DS was born: "oh dear; this room is going to be out of action for a bit; can you get the cleaners?? How did blood get up there?"