to think these are words you never need to hear from a Midwife ? (only slightly lighthearted)

[CheshireDing]

Midwife said told "I can definitely feel a big head".

I am nearly 35 weeks and disturbed is not the word. DC2 had a big head, so what the hell size is this one's ??!!

Seriously practising my hypno now so get DC3 out shortly

DS2 - midwife screamed. I was out of it on gas and air and saw she had wet hair. Turned out my waters exploded in her face!

Also with DS2, waited in the waiting room for 4 hours. Overheard - "well she's not screaming, so she can't be that far along". When the eventually saw me, they said "if you are less than 4 cm, you can go home" (I was 6 or 7). 2 hours later I gave birth.

Actually, the nice receptionist turfed some people out of their seats so I could sit down. One woman brought a family of 6 adults with her, and they wouldn't give up their seats at first. (my dad is disabled, but insisted on waiting with me til ex-dp turned up)

'oh dear the nozzle is broken' (on the gas and air, luckily she had a spare in the car!)

My birth was so horrific I didn't have any more DC. With tears in her eyes. Before I gave birth.

Doctor who looked around 15, when told that I had no urge to push, said "Well, she'll just have to push, won't she?" I nearly told him if thought it was that easy he should try for himself. It turned out the reason was that the baby's head was back and if I had pushed I'd have caused serious damage.

I'm not good with pain. At all!!!

I knew I was being induced due to waters breaking the day before so made sure I had my epidural in before the induction drip. Epidural worked but not fully. Was checked at 10am and was 2cm. Was getting throughly fed up with pain by 1:30 and after threatening to remove my induction drip they gave me a top up of epidural. It still didn't work fully. At 2pm I said I needed to push. MW was all "oh no, not yet, no way" I insisted so she had a look. Response was "crack on then"
By this point it seriously hurt, I sort of roared/gutterly growled through the pushing bit. Very loudly. Mw number 2 informed me if I put as much effort into pushing as growling/shouting baby would be here quicker. I might have responded rather colourfully "I fucking know that, but it fucking hurts so FUCK OFF!!" Not my finest moment. Dd arrived twenty mins later and no stitches were needed.

I tell you something you don't want to hear whilst 9cm dilated and in agony .. "I'm going to have to manually dilate you to get to 10"

It was followed by the most excruciating pain, worse than crowning, and I tried to strangle the midwife in response

That's assault Goldenhandshake, if she didn't ask for your consent? She should be struck off, if so.

These are brilliant, if somewhat alarming. Has anyone else noticed there's a bit of a theme here? Which is MW discounting/disbelieving women who say they're about to give birth/crowning/whatever. Do they not know that you can feel when something is coming out your fandango?

With my first baby the birth was pretty straightforward, but I did ask the MW how many stitches I had. It was a bit disconcerting when she replied "I'm not going to tell you. It's better that you don't know..."

Then later a fabulous MW told me, in a very broad Caribbean accent that I had "fantastic nipples for breastfeedin'". Just as well, they're never going to make page 3.

My second birth was hours of nothing then 15 minutes of hell. I was on my hands and knees and told the (male) MW I needed to poo. He shouted at me to turn over and sit up. I may have said something along the lines of "Fuck off, I can't, if you want me to turn over you'll have to do it yourself". Him and DH turned me over...

I'd just been given some pethidine after not progressing for 12 hours, and DD2 was born 15 minutes later. I was stoned for two days...

Birthgeek no she didn't ask, it was all such a panic that she said that and just did it. Has stayed with me ever since!

Lol at exploding labia. With DD, I had a ventouse and, after a couple of minutes, the doctor went quiet and started whispering to his colleague. I thought the worst and asked if everything was OK and was told 'Oh yes, baby's nearly here'. It turned out they hadn't realised she was back to back and, instead of putting the suction cap on the back of her head had stuck it right in the middle of her forehead. She was fine but spent the first few days of her life looking like she had a dartboard stuck to the middle of her head.

With my first back to back contractions, absolute agony the MW told me I was making a fuss and I could have 12 or more hours of this, if I won't go home, they can't admit as I'd wake the other pregnant laddie so I could lay there with the gas and air until morning.

An hour later DD1 was born, MW apologised saying no wonder I was screaming going from 1-10 cans in under a hour.

DD1 came out with her arm above her head and tore me, legs akimbo in stirrups, 5 MWs staring at my fango one says "I don't know how we're going to stitch this girl back up!!!" WTF!!!

Went on to have 3 more babies 2 at home so it never put me off!

All my MWs were great (except the tiny one when I was labouring with dd who said "I can't help you get onto all fours as I've done my shoulder in and couldn't afford to be off sick")

But the biscuit for "things not to say" goes to the student MW who, when ds stopped breathing in recovery, started screaming "Where's the resusitiere? Oh my god, there's no resusitiere in here! The resus kit is missing! Oh my god! We can't resus him! He's going to die! Aaaagh!" Though my dad gets second prize - he finally got through to DP on the phone a minute earlier as DP was coming back to me after changing out of scrubs, so DP didn't know ds had chosen that moment to go blue, and dad heard me screaming and commented "Sounds like a party!"

Meanwhile the lead MW or consultant or whatever was calmly resusitating him, and did her best to calm me down as ds got carted off to NICU, explaining that recovery rooms always have separate oxygen, heat pads and whatever else you have in a resus kit, and thus he had had the best medical care anywhere could offer. And then bollocked the student behind a curtain for at least the next 20 minutes, which would have been funny in better circs.

Then got shown to a private postanatal room and left with DP. MW came in and asked how my baby was.
I burst into tears. She was then great, went to make phone calls and returned a couple minutes later with the news that ds was alive, seemed fine, and was being brought up. I cried some more. Apparently "they do that sometimes"!

Thank you ladies some proper laugh out loud moments.

Special mention to "its all going to get a bit farmyard" LOL

For Dd1. I tore as the midwife was doing an episiotomy, midwife says " Im just going to get the doctor to stich you up" (that never worried me at the time but reading on here about everyone being dealt with by the midwife has made me think)
Doctor says "I'm just going to get someone more senior to make sure this hasn't torn all the way through"???
Quiet discussion then " Start with the episiotomy, then that tear, then that one and then the clitoris...."
Also " how much blood did she loose?" " not sure let's just put 500 ml and clean it up with these sheets"

MW 3 days after DD2 being born by emergency section...

' well you do know you could always have a home birth if you have number 3'....errr i had had a hysterectomy for uncontrollable bleeding following an abruption and had just been returned to ward from ITU where i had been dangerously unstable for 2 days....

i couldn't even summon the contempt to complain

Whilst stitching me up post birth "oh, did I not put anaesthetic there?"
Me: "Noooo Ooooooooh Ooooooooh!"

Then she said "I just need to check I'venot stitched all the way through" and stuck a finger up my bum.

I had thought "no, yyou're not Iin labour" when I was almost fully dilated was what I least wwanted to hear. Turned out Iit wasn't.

Thank you for this thread, it's the perfect read when one is feeling broody

Seconded. I haven't winced so hard in years

If had bleeding with ds and went for a scan - doctor was having sonography training and showed me on the screen that my womb was empty and id miscarried ( had seen the heartbeat the week before) only for the sonography to come back in and ask why he was showing me my bladder? Ds was fine, but in my womb not ( thankfully ) my bladder where the doctor was looking.

At booking and every subsequent appt with dd1 the midwife looked like she had sucked lemons whenever she saw me - she didn't approve of young mums.

In labour with dd1 the midwife was stood between my legs after examining me, she pushed down on the inside of my knees and said I'd never get the baby out if I didn't spread them (she was born under an hour later)

Dd2 was unplanned home birth, mw arrived when I was on all fours on the living room floor.

Mw - i need to examine you
Me - i need to push
Mw - examining me - oh Mr Divergent please could you just call 999 and hand me the phone?
Me - wtf?!
Mw - got her!

Midwife was in the door less than 10mins before dd was born, the second midwife and ambulance didn't arrive for another 45mins!

I don't have kids but DP was nearly 12lbs when he was born and is now a broad 6' 3.

I'm 5' 4 - I'd be spherical if I was pregnant with a 12lber!

DC1 came out, hand next to ear. I tore rather spectacularly. The newly-quailifed MW who had delivered me injected lots of lignocaine and started stitching. Then stopped.
MW: Um, I'm just going to get someone else....
Returned with an older MW.
The newly MW started stitching again, with the older MW looking over her shoulder and saying, 'No, not that bit, yes, take it over that should make a nice neat edge. Now, um... how about...'
Luckily I was off my head on gas and air.

If it's any comfort to the OP, my biggest baby (whisker off 10lb) with a HUGE head was my fastest labour, no stitches.

Waters broke all over the bed and partly over the midwife. Midwife decided to change the sheets on the bed so asked me to stand up mid contraction. To be fair she didn't mean stand up that second but how I only told her to fuck off in my head I don't know.

She also asked my dh if he was going to pass out which I didn't need to hear. As it was he didn't but he had to leave the room for a minute while I was pushing. I almost feel guilty about telling at him to man up as he walked out because he was white as a shed.

My midwife barely spoke to me during my 9 hour induced labour, in fact she was rarely in the room. You might think I got away lightly, unfortunately not. After I'd been pushing for almost 2 hours (without a sodding clue what I was doing and no reassurance or guidance) she finally got up from her chair in the corner of the room and looked at the trace from the monitor I'd been hooked up to the whole time. Then she shouted at my DH "Oh Shit! Pull the red cord on the wall NOW!" He did as he was told and an alarm sounded. When he asked what was wrong she replied "I don't know when we lost the baby's heartbeat and snep doesn't look too good either."

We went straight to theatre for an EMCS, me still in full make-up and jewellery, own clothes (apparently there was no time to do things properly). Baby delivered and whisked off to another room. Me in tears asking if my baby was ok and the consultant said she had to make a phone call. Overheard her on the phone "There's a mass, should I do a biopsy?"

Worst day of my life.

'I'll just check if you're dilated, hmmm I'll have a look with the lamp.... oh the lamp isn't working'

'I've just borrowed this torch' produces industrial sized floodlight obviously borrowed from maintenance staff to view my fanjo.

during my stitches 'I don't know where this bit goes' and she wandered off to go and find someone else.
I still dont think they got it quite right though.