to think these are words you never need to hear from a Midwife ? (only slightly lighthearted)

[CheshireDing]

Midwife said told "I can definitely feel a big head".

I am nearly 35 weeks and disturbed is not the word. DC2 had a big head, so what the hell size is this one's ??!!

Seriously practising my hypno now so get DC3 out shortly

Crash c section.

Surgeon ' ok I'm cutting'
Aneathetist ' I'd prefer her to be asleep fire's

luckily I'd had a mobile epidural so just felt a bit of pinching. I was just about to agree with him when everything went dark

First ....... bloody gin.......

Oh you're still here - consultant who first induced my labour, went home for a he night, and came back for his next shift the following evening

Doctor (after 6 days of labouring in hospital and with ventouse in had) ".now just one more pu... oh SHIT!!" you'd think after 6 days they'd be ready. I assumed something horrific had happened to the baby. .it was just out before she was ready. So 3dt seemed OK by comparison.

Second baby "oh. There's a blood clot" WTF????
"Oh don't worry that's a good thing, it's just the blood on the names head, he'll be here in 5 minutes".

One nhs,one private!

DS2 born after 48h drip induction (waters broke Sun PM, waited 96h, went in for induction when swab from waters grew GBS).

It was nearly a second cs - wasn't progressing and heart beat was dodgy. With hindsight he was too big (10 10 & massive head for size).

Anyway, born breathing. Then went blue. Paeds (and half the hospital) were in the room as he was expected to be born poorly (also had other issues picked up before birth) and set to resuscitating. DM & DH went white. I looked on in horror.

MW (looking after me on a 3rd shift!!!!) told the Paeds to get out of the way so she could 'have a go'. But she was the one that got him breathing again :)

Then she said 'God I need a fag after that'!!

DH went with DS2 to NICU to watch lumbar puncture for GBS test. DM & MW went for a cigarette together so they could face 'tackling the crime scene'!! I was left completely alone for what felt like forever. I've never felt so alone.

I'm done for babies but I'd have loved to have had that post birth cuddle. DS1 was in NICU for 15h and I was in maternity ICU. DS2 was in NICU for 72h. :(

MW: 'You can have some codeine if you want'
Me: 'What will that do?'
MW: 'It might take the edge off'

This was approximately 40 mins before DS arrived she about 5 mins before I declared I was going to start pushing. 2 hours before I'd been 2cm dilated so MW was utterly unconvinced I was even in active labour.

And no, it did not take the edge off.

words you don't want to hear from the MW
"Oh, I think there's another one in here." My DCousin gave birth to her fourth baby in the car on the way to the hospital. On arrival the MW examined her to check all was OK, and announced the imminent arrival of her undiagnosed twin, which was born a few minutes later. This was thirty years ago, before scans were around (not UK). DCousin had three other children, the oldest was not yet four years old when the twins were born.
Bloody superwoman, just took it on her stride. All grown up now, lovely kids.

Better than..."Err, I can feel a foot here, I think it's half way through" On my 'routine' due date stretch and sweep.

Turns out he was breech and back to back, and massive - I was catapulted up from the wooden panelled birth suite to the operating theatre and didn't even get a hint of a water birth

The midwife had the balls to blame me as I was refusing to agree that the baby MUST have turned after my last antenatal check up, which was at 38 weeks.

Err, yes, it's my fault 'I didn't tell them' about the intense pain and sudden change of bump shape, as an almost baked & MASSIVE baby turned 180 degrees inside me'.

Perhaps actually listening to me as I asked at EVERY appointment plus throughout a weeks inpatient stay, about why his "bottom" felt smooth and round, and well, not in the slightest like a bum?!

The answer wasn't 'because you're too stupid and a first time mum' but 'that's because he was breech and back to back for the WHOLE SODDING PREGNANCY'.

Fuckers.

That plus the whole undiagnosed gestational diabetes thing would have made the birth especially fun: 11pounds 13ounces, breech and back to back. Thank God I didn't go into labour!

And the point of antenatal care is... Quoi?

30 years ago after giving birth to second child, 9lb 2oz doctor on duty was summoned to the maternity home to stitch me back together. Midwife watching him said" I bet you're good at darning socks"
30 years on He has retired from my surgery and whenever I see him out and about I can still remember our eyes meeting with my legs up in stirrups.

Mine seems quite tame compared to that!!

While I was in Labour mw flicked through my notes and giggled

Mw: have you seen what (community mw) wrote in your notes?
Me: (between contractions) no, what?
Mw: sizable baby!
Me: Ffffffuuuuuucccckkkk!!

Ds2 was 9lb 13 it was not a fun experience!

When I was expecting my first the community midwife did her final visit. She had a feel and said "I think you've got a 9 pounder in there" then she looked at DH and said "still I wouldn't worry, it probably has quite a small head" He's had a complex ever since so I nicknamed him pea head.

Oh and number 3 came in 1 hour. He has his dad's head! I was wandering the corridors looking for a midwife to assist, DH on route and everyone thinking I had hours. A midwife in the corridor said "go back to your room and press the call button" then she looked down, dropped her clipboard and screamed for assistance and bundled me into a room saying "get on the bed or you're going to have that baby on the floor!!" My waters burst just as I climbed onto the bed, he was out before the second midwife came into the room.

I didn't hear this as was off my tits on gas & air at the time, but DH did & was terrified. He was coming back into the room after being sent to scrub up for my emergency c-section, and heard one midwife say to the other "be positive".
He went into panic mode thinking "wtf is happening that we need to be thinking like that?"
Turns out they were talking about my blood group Which, ironically, is actually A positive, not B.

Oh and when my mum was having me, one midwife said to the other "extreme striae distensae". My mum's response (through gritted teeth) "yes I know I have stretch marks, thank you. I also have a degree in Latin!"

Midwife after placenta was delivered: "wow your placenta is massive....oh shit....PRESS THE RED BUTTON !"

Placenta wasn't "massive". Womb had fallen out with it. First uterine inversion they'd ever had at that hospital.

"We're going to have to undo your stitches and do them all over again" consultant said after a student midwife had done a bad sewing job. Hurt more than labour as the pain relief kept not working as they were taking so bloody long. Not a good experience!

With DS1 after 24 hours in the delivery room finally was 10cm and the midwife was shouting at me to push. Then she had a quick feel and went Oh that is too soft to be a head😧 Stop pushing stop pushing. Then they rushed in a scanner and about 15 other medics to discover it was DS's head. DS has a perfectly solid head btw but it didn't half give me a fright!

On stitching me up (2 tears and an episiotomy) the consultant said "right lets get this done quickly I need to pick the kids up in 15 minutes"

Childbirth is brutal isn't it; just thinking about all the butchered lady bits from these posts. I had episiotomy and ventouse after dd and my fanny felt like it had done 10 rounds with Mike Tyson.

Doctors and midwives insisting ds1 had turned and I was remiss in not mentioning it after 18 hours of labour. No, you fuckers, you mistook his arse for a head and probably should have noticed I'd stuck at 6cm for ten of those hours. I think I would have noticed a nine-month baby completely turning himself round.

MW "push that big red button now" to DH, who had just arrived in delivery room, and "stop pushing we need more people in here" to me. WTAF. DD2 arrived within seconds before second MW and Dr arrived.

I'd been induced and it all happened very quickly - was rushed from ward to delivery room half naked as MW on the ward didn't believe I was in active labour. She changed her mind when my waters went all over her and she took a quick look at me and exclaimed "that was quick". I'd gone from 2cm to 10cm in about half an hour.

Consultant and team with mw gathered round bed to inform me I needed a CS as wasn't progressing. Disappointed I nodded and asked for pain relief as I was in a lot of pain. Has she not had any pain relief asked one? Was in a lot of pain so didn't speak much.
When the team left DH lifted the sheet as he though he'd look for himself what was going on...and found DS. He'd been born whilst the team were all in the room and no one noticed!

Anyone nominated for classics yet?

I went to an appointment with my mum and was mortified to have been asked "How did you get pregnant? Which position did you use?"

Shocked & absolutely amazed at being asked such a question in front of my mum I meekly answered..."

Doggy

hindsight is a wonderful thing. So many answers...

I was 2 weeks overdue. They scanned to see how everything was doing.

"I'm just going to get a consultant to look at this?"
"Why? What's wrong?"
"Um, nothing..."
"Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Baby's measuring small..."
"How small?"
"Um. Sub-4lb..."

Admitted and induced post-scan, despite me adamantly refusing an induction for the past fortnight. Son was 7lb 10oz.

Being stitched up:

"Right. I'm going in. Can you feel this?"
"YES."
"Are you sure?"
"You just stabbed my bits with a needle. Very sure."
"You've had an epidural and a local. How can you feel it?"
"No idea. But - fuck - I can really feel that."
"How about here?"
"OW! Stop jabbing me with it. Yes, I can feel it!"
"No, you can't. I'm taking the needle away now."
"FUCK! You lying bastard you just jabbed me with it!"
"Yes, yes I did. Are you normally resistant to anaesthetic?"
"I don't know..."
"I thought the ginger thing was an old wives' tale. Well, I'm going to have to stitch you up without it."

GOOD TIMES.

Also being stitched up:

"Are you nearly done yet?"
"No."
"It's taking ages, and it really hurts..."
"I know. But do you want it fast, or do you want it right?"
"Right. Right!"

I have no idea how many stitches he gave me, but he was down there for 25 minutes and my fanjita looks like she's had a stroke now.