to think these are words you never need to hear from a Midwife ? (only slightly lighthearted)

[CheshireDing]

Midwife said told "I can definitely feel a big head".

I am nearly 35 weeks and disturbed is not the word. DC2 had a big head, so what the hell size is this one's ??!!

Seriously practising my hypno now so get DC3 out shortly

On the phone to the hospital after 40hrs of contractions, I was bleeding and waters broke

Mw 'is this your first?'
Me 'nope, I'm bleeding and waters have broken, contractions are continuous'
Mw 'bleeding is show, do come in but no need to rush, you can still talk through your contractions, it will still be a while'

Hung up, called for DH to phone an ambulance and had delivered alone by the time he'd said the address. The bleeding was the damage to my pelvic floor as I'd been holding him in for quite a while apparently... Poor DS .. He was bruised!

bubbles that really made me laugh!
With ds2 I arrived at the hospital and told the midwife I was ready to push to which she said 'hmm ok dear lets just get you all checked in and then we will de where you are' walks out the room, I start to push, dh pushes the button and she walks back with 'oh you really did need to push lets get on with it then!'
Ds1 was a tough long ventouse birth - community midwife turns up at home and says 'ouch I've never seen so much bruising, normally I tell my ladies to be as active as they can but I think you had just better sit still for a while'

Midwife to my mum as I was about to make a appearance: "Feels like this one is coming out bum first."
That was my head she was talking about.

After birth of DD (9 lbs 10oz, 3 pushes)

Me: "do I need any stitches?"
MW: Snorts, collapses in giggles, sends for a cup of tea (for her) and "plenty of local anaesthetic please"

"He's not breathing, get the resuss kit" followed by "leave mum, help me with the baby"

That's my worst.

DC2 decided to put in a very speedy arrival and a midwife only just made it into the room in time. When she saw I was on all fours she said

'What the fuck are you doing'.

It was overseas in a French speaking city where they don't much like the English

This thread is hilarious and terrible at the same time.

clockbuscanada wtf?! Did the midwife actually say that or did you hallucinate it?

MW1: "Look yeah youre only 1 and half cm dilated its on your notes... you do not need to push" (hadnt been examined for well over an hour)
Me: "yes i do!" starts to push
MW2: "let me see my darling... oh yeah darling you definitely ready"
Me: "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" (was happening very fast and felt like i was being ripped in 2).
MW1: "shut up! shut up! shut up! and let me think...." right in my face. fucking bitch that one.

They took me through elsewhere to another midwife while i begged them "get that horrible old witch away from me!" DC2 was born safe and sound within 7 minutes of my being screamed at....

Eeek. Lots of exmples of unacceptable care. Reminds me of the old 'My OB Said What?!?' website. A positive story for you...

Consultant to one of my mums, after she has a mild shoulder dystocia with her first (10lb+) baby,

"You'll never have a complication-free vaginal birth and we won't let you have a homebirth. A homebirth is just as risky as walking across a busy road with your eyes closed."

She went on to have a natural birth in hospital, baby almost 10lbs, then the following year had a 10.5lb baby at her planned homebirth

Oh - and all short, easy births with no tearing.

Series o f cross MWs

On screening with ultrasound," for heavens sake get your baby to face the screening. He refuses to be screened."

In hospital, waters broken, 2 cm dilation after 12 hours, baby's heartbeat irregular. " no, there's nothing we can do. You may just lose him. Go on, walk around and don't make a fuss. "

" oh bother, we put the needle in the wrong place."

" oh bother, the needle has broken. We'll have to try to remove it."

Following successful Emcs, after 36 hours non labour ( huge pain) and nearly lost baby " with that pelvis you were never going to give birth to a live baby".

DS born at home. Lovely calm home birth but a retained placenta. Two midwives ferreting around trying to get things going. 'We're just going to give it a bit of a gentle tug....oh, hell, it's snapped' holds up one end of umbilical cord.

Slightly earlier in proceedings, I'd had 'Your cervix is weird! I don't know if that's cervix, head, bum or bulging waters I can feel...I'm just going to ring the unit for a more experienced midwife to come and have a prod of it.' More experienced midwife did indeed have a prod and was nearly drowned in the process. It was bulging waters...

The midwives told me my baby was measuring really big at every appointment then at 35+5 my 4lb 13, 9th centile DD decided to make a surprise appearance.

When I went in with DD1 they were trying to check if my waters had gone (didn't believe me when I told them they were all over my bedroom floor!) And put me in a room because they were scared to send me home.
Midwife clearly at the end of her shift in the next room wouldn't let me have gas and air because id have 'another 8-10 hours of this' even though my toes were curling with pain. In the 90 mins between being checked at triage and getting in this room I went from 2cm to 10cm and needed to start pushing! The next midwife was lovely, had the sense to examine me, hand me the gas and air, pushed for three hours and then DD was born 9lb 3oz with forceps/episiotomy. Phew!

I should point out the forceps was only necessary because my contractions were too far apart and she kept sliding back up the shute not because of her size, didn't mean to worry OP over size!

You can do it regardless of how big bun is! Congrats!

I had a junior doctor asking me if I took a lot of hot baths... No, genitals tend to look engorged and a bit purple in pregnancy . I spent years wondering what was wrong with me down there until I understood that she had no idea - what do they teach them in medical school?

Two hours active pushing, shift change and the new mw examines me and mutters to the mw who has been managing my induced labour 'that's not the head she's been pushing, it's an unruptured membrane'.

They also weren't happy with how regular my contractions had been for the last six hours so shoved another dose of whatever is in that drip thing in and then told me I couldn't have an epidural till I was in theatre (3 hours later for an attempt at ventouse which thankfully worked otherwise it would have been a CS).

Fuck me I was climbing the sodding walls. It was a far cry from the image I had of being at home for the majority of labour and going in just to 'perform' so to speak.

Still haven't checked out the damage down there 4 months on . The GP asked me if I would book in for a smear at my 8 week check after discussing my labour - I just gave her a face!

after having a natural birth for my 10lb 1oz daughter one MW said "and you didn't even need stitches - not sure if that is something you should be proud of or not"

ahem. it wasn't my first large child and the first time involved an episiotomy.

Mid-repair, the MW called another person in to check what she was doing, and I overheard:

"I'm just not sure if I've stitched the right bits together or not."

While being stitched up after a rough forceps delivery with episiotomy and a nasty tear (with a failed epidural and local anaesthetic wearing off), she handed me the gas and air again and said

"Suck on this til it feels like your face is going to fall off".

If I'd been more with it, I think I might have laughed.

Thank you for this thread, it's the perfect read when one is feeling broody

Had an EMCS with DD1. First thing the MW said after birth on being given DD was

'OMG! Have you ever seen anything like it?'

Bearing in mind I hadn't seen DD, I thought I must have given birth to an alien or something.

Turned out DD had hip dysplasia and both hips were dislocated and legs rotated (looked like they were on backwards). We didn't find tout about the hip dysplasia for several weeks when we saw a specialist at a different hospital. This was after the birth hospital had sent DD for an x-ray at an hour old (subsequently found out a newborn's bones are too soft to show on an x-ray) and for the consultant in the birth hospital refusing to talk to us about what might be wrong and for his registrar to come to tell us that the consultant would come to talk soon (he never did) but nothing else.

I regret not having submitted a complaint about this hospital. Wasn't the only thing that wasn't great with her birth.

I complained about being in pain (after being induced at 41+6) and thought I had gone into labour (although couldn't feel contractions). I was told that I was making a fuss and they asked a Dr to give me sleeping tablets (at about 11pm). The Dr only decided to check for themselves after they had given sleeping tablets, to find that I was indeed in established labour and dd was in distress and back to back. So had to try to stay awake all night and give birth having been given sleeping tablets. It was only at 7am that they decided that I needed an EMCS as she had got 'stuck' not a surprise given the positioning of her legs!

"Have some paracetamol" was probably the worst thing my midwife said, at least it seemed it at the time.