to think these are words you never need to hear from a Midwife ? (only slightly lighthearted)

[CheshireDing]

Midwife said told "I can definitely feel a big head".

I am nearly 35 weeks and disturbed is not the word. DC2 had a big head, so what the hell size is this one's ??!!

Seriously practising my hypno now so get DC3 out shortly

Ok dear, lets get you on the bed, second babies tend to whoosh out. 6 hours later...... Well he was 9lb 15

In the final throes of DC1's birth I heard a loud noise, mw said 'don't worry it's just the fire alarm!' I left the delivery room an hour later to see a group of firemen standing around. There was no fire thankfully, I later found out it was burnt toast, goodness knows what would have happened if we'd had to evacuate!

Picklesarnie... My mw told me that too. I was 80 hours into an 84 hour labour with a 28 weeker. I'd pushed for the past 3 hours without getting anywhere.

He was 3 lb and I still needed stitched back together.

Sorry we are not allowed to help you onto the operating table as your BMI Is 40. I am 4'9" and was heading for a section with twins as well as retaining litres and litres of fluid. Dh helped me up in the end. I did wonder what they would do if he wasn't there...operate on the floor !. Wasn't overweight before or after pregnancy.

My Aunt (who is a private midwife and was my birthing partner) saved my bacon after DS1 was born - the nurse arrived to start stitching me up.. Aunt looked a bit serious and ushered her out sharpish then another more mature nurse appeared and started on the job in hand - apparently it was the original ones FIRST TIME! Thank God she went off to practise elsewhere

I'm currently 33+2, dreading being declined my choice of section and so having to go through a vbac- this should be terrifying me but I can't stop laughing!

Waters broke 8.30 in the morning. (36 weeks, IVF baby). Rang the hospital who said to go in. I sat in a puddle until about 2.30 as they hadn't a clue what to do with me. I wasn't in any pain. They decided to keep me in, saying if baby hadn't showed up by 37, they'd have to induce me. 3.30in the morning, I wake up with contractions. They seemed quite close together. I got up and told a midwife "don't be silly dear, here's a paracetamol" and sent me back to bed. 4am I go back to her and say seriously, this is getting worse. She reluctantly sent for a doc, who checked me and I was 4cms, so sent upstairs. After an hour of pushing at about 10am, mw sent for a dr because dd was a litte lost and banging off my pelvis. (Mr YG! Take that gas and air off her, she's enjoying it a little too much). Dr asked me politely to sign a form giving permission for a cs (do what you want! Just get her fucking out!!!). I ended up with an epidural, episiotomy and forceps. All done, baby safely out and being warmed in an incubator. Nurse at one end of me, anaesthetist at the other, to lift me onto my bed to wheel me to my room. At the count of 1,2... Whoops. The anaesthetist miscounts and drops me onto the floor. I laughed. What else could I do? A roomful of people had just been up my girly bits. I hadn't a shred of dignity left anyway.

The lawyer I engaged after my near death experience at the hospital due to extreme negligence and on behalf of my ds who has until he is 18 yrs to sue the fuckers, told me she spent most of her time engaging in legal battles after poor stitching up after birth.

She said she dreaded to think what people went through who didn't even have the satisfaction of legal address, or were under the impression it sound be considered normal to be stitched up and maimed during the process.

During the last stages of a four day labour, I was merrily pushing DC1 out when the midwives started laughing at my nether regions. Pausing to ask them what was so funny, they stifled their laughter with "don't worry, you can have surgery afterwards." Turned out they were talking about my balloon piles. Nice.

DS1, 40+16, 26 hours into induction. Meconium in waters, heartbeat dropping to below 50. About 8 medics in the room when the consultant says we need this baby out now, no time for a section, cervix only 9cms, we'll stretch it to ten! I pretty much passed out at that point, came round as his head was delivered.

Next day MW comes round to check my stitches, she exclaimed "ooh you've got a lovely purple bottom!" - I didnt need to know!

When I was in labour with Ds1 ' I haven't prepped anyone for an epidural for over a decade!' Followed by a similar comment about prepping for the eventual c/s.

In one of my pregnancies, the community mw asked if her student could take my bloods. I said 'sure, bet you've done it loads of times!' Her face clearly said no she hadn't, but she didn't want to put me off by saying so. (I held out my arm and said 'no need to answer' and she did a great job)

"Ooh you aren't fully dilated yet" after being told that I should push. For hours. I was even marched to sit on the toilet as it would 'open up my pelvis'. The wholesale labour was a farce really. I think I pissed off the midwives when I arrived at 8cm dilated. No one else was on labour ward until then so I obviously interrupted their chat. Funnily my notes vanished.

DS1. I was pushing as hard as I could with each contraction but he was only coming half way and they could see his head and then he would slip back up again every time. After an hour and a half of this MW was exasperated and said,

"come on push for longer, you're not getting him past the bend".

I was thinking what f-ing bend, no one told me about a f-ing bend. I ended up needing episiotomy and ventouse in the end.

DS2. MW "He's stuck. He's gone too far to push back up for emcs and he can't get out this way without help".
Then a lot of people appeared in the room and one unrolled a cloth containing what looked like medieval torture items. I found strength from who knows where and pushed that baby right out, right then!

DD can out with her hand next to her head and I had a massive tear as a result, the local the dr gave me was wearing off and I was feeling every stitch and he told me to stop complaining and when he finished said to DH don't worry I've made her nice and tight again
I was in fucking pain for weeks and sex was painful for nearly a year after. When ds1 was born I tore again and I asked the mw to do the minimal amount of stitches (just 2 in the end) and I felt so much better and recovered much faster.
The midwife refused to let me use a birthing ball and wanted me on my back on the bed, I kept moving and knocking the bump band they put on to trace her heartbeat that she told me DD needed an internal head monitor, I'm convinced that's why DDs delivery was long and painful and I ended up in stirrups.
DDs delivery was so awful I refused to use our local hospital again and opted for a home birth for my next two babies.
I found out from a mw friend that this midwife had a reputation as a total bitch and her mums were expected to do as they were told

Midwife: Oh, that's the last of the gas and air

Me: whaaaaaaat?

"Oh we've made a mistake, you are only 8cms." They'd had me pushing for 3 hours.

Midwife looks at the extra layer of fat at the bottom of my bump:
"Oh, it's like a duvet for the baby".
I had to kill her.

This thing where MW don't believe when mums are saying the baby is coming - happened to me too. MW barely managed to catch DD as she was falling out of me into a toilet bowl.

Oh yeah... Best thing to read when DH and I are ttc!

"Now stop being silly, making all that noise!"
Immortal words uttered to me by mw with DS1 as I screamed, repeatedly, with the effort of not pushing. I was nearly 20 but looked about 15 and I swear it affected how they treated me. DH starts kicking off about the pain I'm clearly in. "Oh, I suppose I can do an exam." Goes to do internal and pokes DS1 hard in the head. He's only half way out and the mw is . "Push now!" It was such a relief to finally listen to my body and just shove! So I push out his genuinely massive head, with the help of an episiotomy, and it's, "Just one more big push!" After all this I push just as hard as I can because I just want this done...and fire him at high speed down the metal bed into the trough at the end! I shot him into the world like a cork out of a bottle!
DD1 they did the internal stitches on the episiotomy so tight that a post-natal midwife got me on my settee and cut one of them for me. Dear goodness, the relief!
Finally DD2 my waters broke in the wee hours in bed. Get up to hospital, get examined, am told they haven't. Damn patronising doctor tells me I've wet myself. Excuse me? Third kid, I know what happened, thank you! Put a pad on me but they test it and say there's urine and practically push me out the door. This is Friday morning. I spend the rest of the weekend seeping regularly. Keep going up, keep getting sent home. No one believes me. Come Sunday I think, "Sod this!". Know you aren't supposed to use tampons but figure I've got bigger problems. Keep it in for a few hours, plop it in a sample jar, go up and slap it on the labour ward desk. "Right! Test that!"
"Oh you have to understand it's a hind water break, it's very rare! We'll have to emergency induce you now (Sunday evening) because of how long your uterus has been breached!" Well who's damn fault was that!
Lovely mw manages the pain relief perfectly and all go like clockwork. Until the contractions stop dead just after DD2 is born. She says push but, while I'm trying, there's nothing to push with! I push, she pulls and then, "Shit!". DH later told me that the placenta ripped and created a pretty little blood fountain, hence the cursing! Mw2 and loads of forceps and me pushing and two of them pulling and...zip. So go through all the arrangements for theatre to get it out. Just as the anaesthetist is leaving I say I think my contractions are restarting but he clearly doesn't believe me. So I beep the mw and tell her the contractions are back and again, she clearly doesn't believe the woman slightly low on blood, high on g&a and who's contractions stopped 50 minutes earlier. I ask should I push, she says ok so I wait 10 seconds for the next contraction and puussh! Plop! As she walks out the door with it in a dish she shouts down the corridor, "You'll never believe what I've got!"

Planned Home birth with DC3. Only one midwife has arrived so far and things are moving quickly so MW is getting a bit stressed. I am pushing baby out, but she is in caul so can't get out. MW 'right I have to tear the sac but it's really tough' looks around, realises all her equipment is on the other side of the room, glances at her pocket and pulls out a biro 'this pen will have to do!' (DC2 was also born in caul, so I guess I just produce sacs of steel....)

Not long after this, to DH 'quick catch the baby for goodness sake!'

Later on after MW2 has arrived, MW1 has calmed down, MW2 says to me 'so are you planning a 4th?' and MW1 says 'well I'm not coming here again!'. I think she was referring to how quick it was, and her being on her own!

The bit where the mw asked where my dh was "because I need him here now" at dc2 home birth. What for? He's bloody useless unless you want emergency tea and toast

Still I suppose if it had all gone horribly wrong he'd have helped haul me out the birthing pool like he was landing a whale.

With DS2 I had just given birth and the 2 midwives were having a good old gander to do the stitches when I overheard one mutter to the other (following a bit of pointing) "yes but what am I going to stich it to"?

I took a VERY big suck on the old gas and air then (apparently I had such a bad tear I was on the verge of being sent by ambulance from the birthing centre to a city hospital to get sewn up). Hindsight made me wish I had been, I had so much pain down there, ended up badly infected and it never ever felt right after!

Them DS3 after having him (and I've never known such horrific pain as that - he came out with his arm up against his head, the mw took the gas and air off me - because DH told them I wasn't using it properly (um I think I knew what I was doing, had been there twice before just fine!)). Anyway I suddenly became aware of a roomful of people and was told I could only have a quick cuddle with my son as they needed to get me to surgery immediately. I had a 4th degree tear and lost a lot of blood.

I knew it was bad as after the previous two if had to beg for paracetamol - every midwife that came in the room to check on me would look at my chart, wince, ask me how I was doing and did I need any more painkillers. I realised pretty quickly it was going to hurt when I stopped taking them..... So I googled 4th degree tear and have been traumatised ever since.

Funnily enough I've never forgiven DH for that one!

I'd had an Indian curry just before my waters broke. I went into hospital shortly afterwards as my labour was very quick. I vomited in the delivery suite into one of those grey bowl things and the midwife said "oh you could still eat that you can still see the bits of chicken".....

God, some of these are awful. I know people only come on these threads to tell the funny or the horrifying, but still!

I had a few low-level encounters with midwives, but my moment came when I was in theatre, waiting for the spinal block to take effect. I desperately didn't want a GA. Anaesthetist rather felt it necessary. Eventually, and in some dudgeon, he said, "Well, we can proceed. But I can't guarantee you won't feel it."

I accepted the GA