to think these are words you never need to hear from a Midwife ? (only slightly lighthearted)

[CheshireDing]

Midwife said told "I can definitely feel a big head".

I am nearly 35 weeks and disturbed is not the word. DC2 had a big head, so what the hell size is this one's ??!!

Seriously practising my hypno now so get DC3 out shortly

I called up maternity in 'early' labour with DD, and was told I sounded like I was coping very well, but if I wanted I could come in to be assessed. It's a bit busy, so maybe wait an hour or so, they asked. When I duly pitched up an hour later, the midwife examining me had an expression of horror on her face according to DH. Nine centimetres! Going to have to find you a bed! DD arrived less than half an hour later. Some grazes (head on 75th centile, weight on 9th), the suturing, with ineffective local took an age. MW's comment afterwards 'well, it looks a bit like a Cumberland sausage'

Bloody hell. This thread is traumatic.

As part of my nurse training, I had to do a 3 month midwifery placement. My experience was that every midwife I met was either absolutely lovely or a total bitch and my opinion didn't really change after having 3 children.
Midwives deliver babies every day of their working lives so it all becomes a bit routine. However, to every one of those women, it's one of the most important events of their lives. Most women only give birth a handful of times and the majority will only do it once or twice.
I remember my DM saying that the world recedes when you have a baby and, for a while, you exist in this kind of bubble. The most vivid memories I have are of giving birth- I remember every little detail. My last birth ended up being horrific in many ways but my memories of it are generally positive because my midwife was amazing, stayed with me in theatre and spent the 20 minutes my DS was dragged out with forceps stroking my hand. I will never forget her.

Midwife examined me and just said "Oh.".
The to the doctor "Could I just have a word outside?"

MissH, I had one nice one, the one who recognised DS had been in distress for 36 hours, ( waters badly stained, heart beat dropping etc) and the rest varied between bitch, incompetent or frankly idle,possibly through exhaustion. Sorry to say that, colleagues in the profession, but the lack of professionalism was astounding. If I'd been as tough then as I am now that hospital would not have come out unscathed. As it was, I was just grateful we were both alive. And we very nearly weren't.

'Hang on a minute, I'll just get my kit ready'
(I couldn't, she had her back turned and DH caught DS before he slid onto the floor!)

My midwife to the paramedic sitting in the back of the ambulance with her as I was being blue lighted to the big city hospital:

"oh dear. have you ever delivered a baby in an ambulance before?"

"You're not having a baby you're having a toddler" while I was pushing out ds our third child who was just under 11 lb and very long (tall).

Hi all - we've had a few Classics nominations for this thread and so we're going to move it over there now.

"That baby is not coming out if she stays like that."

I decided he was my baby so I was in charge and got on my knees and pushed him out in seven minutes.

Yippee, thanks Becca, well done OP.

Any chance, Becca, of Justine and the crew directing the midwifery profession to it?

DH's aunt was telling me today that when she was in labour with her twins, she asked if the midwife could help her stick her TENS pads on her back because her DH wasn't there yet.....the midwife said she didn't know how to do it show she would have to wait
If she can't work out how to stick two sticky pads onto my back, I wouldn't have much faith in her ability to scramble around my nether regions and pull out a human the twins were born by EMCS in the end!

Trying to budge dd1 who was still an undetected breech several hours into labour, they woke the consultant and he came over, obviously pissed off at being woken and patted my arm saying "well, if you're not going to try.. "
Think I said something along the lines of "thank you for your helpful input". Went on to have an emcs, and then 2 planned CS with dcs2 and 3

Not the midwife but the consultant obstetrician to the theatre staff during my third c section just after proceeding to emergency hysterectomy "can everyone just concentrate please". It was not what she said, but the note of barely disguised panic in her voice.

MyBread - tens machine pads have to go in the correct place but yes, a midwife really should know where to stick them.

Well, very flattered for my thread to be nominated and moved to classics, thank you all :) takes a bow

Still feel I have got off very lightly so far when I read other peoples stories, especially those of you who had evil midwives (tattered nethers aside)

DC3 was measured today and now I actually feel "slightly" less worried, head circumference is 33cm and weight around 6lb, it's just turned 36 weeks now. I checked DC2 red book and his head was 34cm at birth so I figure my fanjo is as safe as it's going to get in the circumstances !

I also figure it's a good size now so can GET OUT

Good luck OP. Nothing like a few horror stories!

My DS had a massive head. I just remember after... a few... hours of labour assistance being requested and the MW turning to DH and saying 'it's going to get messy, but don't worry it's nothing a mop and bucket won't sort out!'

Smarted a bit, but on the plus side I can share hats with my 2 year old.

After 24 hours of Labour the midwife said "I think we'll call it a day now". In my drug induced state I expected to be whacked over the head

"I'm going to have to get a second opinion on what goes where" when stitching me up!!!

After about 20 minutes of stitching mw called a more senior one to ask her 'is it gaping or does it just look that way with her feet in the stirrups'. Really didn't want to hear the word 'gaping' in a sentence referring to my fanjo

Mine said to me I don't think we'll bother stitching that. You can just be called triple labia from now on (DS had been born with his hands in front of his head and sliced my labia in half with his nails on one side!)

"Just here for the bed and breakfast then" after I needed an extra night in hospital following heavy blood loss after the miscarriage of a much wanted baby.

While having a scan at 36 weeks...
Scanning person "your baby is so big the computer can't do the calculation. I'm going to have to work it out on paper".
Me "Gulp".

2nd time giving birth. 1st time was plain sailing so they asked if I'd mind if they had observers. Student midwife, nursing student, someone else and the actual midwife....all round the bottom of the bed. I had one more push left in me or they were going to have to take him out. Massive push.....he came flying out, rotated and the midwife had to catch him. They all let out a scream😳😂😂