to think these are words you never need to hear from a Midwife ? (only slightly lighthearted)

[CheshireDing]

Midwife said told "I can definitely feel a big head".

I am nearly 35 weeks and disturbed is not the word. DC2 had a big head, so what the hell size is this one's ??!!

Seriously practising my hypno now so get DC3 out shortly

I have told this story too. About 25 hours into a 32 hour back to back labour which culminated in a pulled red cord and EMCS I noticed my first epidural didn't seem to be working. "If I need a C section what is the next step," I say to the midwife. "Spinal?"

"You will know your epidural isn't working because you will feel the thin edge of the blade."

Right. When the time came to go to theatre in a mad panic I wouldn'trt the gas and air go. I was topping up because of the blade!

As it happened the anesthetist who had so far had two failed goes was waiting to do the GA. "drink this like a tequila shot." Sone liquid they give you. I mean- I really didn't know if I'd get out alive from that one but at that point was mainly worried about the baby. I kept asking if the heartbeat was going back up. None of the medical staff answered me but DH could see it was and did. Midwife shouting: "Does anyone here know what an emergency is?!"

DD was fine but I found out later when my doctor was reading me some of the notes they got her out just in time.staff were apparently freaked her eyes were wide open when they went on to get her!

DC1 - 'you're not in that much pain you silly girl, have a bath' - I was 24 years old and had been admitted due to waters going (in Asda!) and then everything grinding to a halt. I was also 5 minutes away from being told I was in fact fully dilated and could push. DS was born an hour later.
DC3 - home birth with a student mw present - 'can someone please take the gas and air off her now, I don't want her getting too stoned'. Why?? I wanted to be too stoned by that point! and was inhaling it like it was keeping me alive
I was oddly pleased when the student did the placenta check though, apparently it was almost textbook perfect. Less pleased when DH joined in with positive comparisons to a cows placenta (farmers son).

"I wasn't expecting that" as DS2 emerged having not been recognised that he was back to back "or nose to pubes" as she put it.

'Oh no. No push no push no push. No doctor'
This as the baby was just coming out pretty much by himself and I was attempting to lever myself up onto the delivery table! Dd2 came flying out seconds later into her hands as the doctor came running into the room. Push, no and doctor being the only words she knew in English I didn't really get any of the half hour stitching chatter but she seems to have done a good enough job :)

Slightly stressed looking mw, the morning after I'd given birth:
"Good morning. I just need to examine you as I appear to have lost something and need to check it hasn't been left behind!"
Never found out what the mysterious object was but she didn't find it in my nether regions anyway! Mind boggles!

When I had my DD she wasn't feeding well so the midwives took her for a few hours, on returning her they said they had wanted to "drop kick her on to the island ( the NHS hospital grounds had a lake with a small island ) during the night " that's not something I wanted to hear from a midwife !

When waiting for epidural after 18 hours of labour with Dc1 - don't worry, the anaesthetist is Mr X, he is good, he knows what he's doing, you're really lucky to get him. Gave me the shivers about what would have happened if I had to have one of the other, presumably totally incompetent ones - damage to spinal cord, paralysis?
When arriving at hospital to give birth to Dc2 - different hospital, transferred there at 7 months, drove round and round looking for the right department, arrived at birthing suite and after a quick exam - MW1 to MW2 - er, we won't bother with the labour pack, we'll go straight to the delivery pack. Both disappear into the adjoining room and proceed to loudly open packets for about half an hour, leaving me stranded on the table. They thought that because it was my 2nd child there was no need to explain anything or talk to me, because I had done it before, even though it was a totally different experience in a strange hospital

Two memories

When I gave birth to my son midwife doing my stitches said "it's my first day back from mat leave today so I'm a bit rusty"!

Also I was with my daughter when she gave birth and as the head was coming out mw said to student midwife "don't ever let me see you do that again!" When I asked afterwards what she was talking about they just said nothing to worry about. But that's not what the senior midwife's tone suggested.

This has been hilarious. I am sure not for the women involved at the time though! I hope there are midwives and obs reading this and realise that what they say matters. I used to be a doula and have seen unconsciously negative comments turn a birth from a straightforward one to the woman suddenly feeling fearful and things going pear-shaped and then having to try and get things back on track. For labour to work well women need to feel safe and secure and to trust in the people who are providing care. Makes me mad when that is not respected. I've heard loads of comments about size of head/baby being too big/too small and rarely has it been born (pun intended) out or does it necessarily impact on the birth depending on the woman's position and how the baby's head lies.
As for the stitching up...!
I also had problems breastfeeding my DD after a midwife told me I had flat nipples and would never manage to feed on those - I didn't. With lovely midwifery support I breastfed my son for three years! Same nipples funnily enough 😂

Mw2 to mw1 who has just sprinted into my living room leaving dh to park her car as things had turned a bit urgent: "it's ok, you're doing really well".

"Err, excuse me, so sorry to interrupt but do you think it would be ok IF I HAD THE BABY NOW??!".

I'd been hanging on for 20 mins with full body contractions and my involuntary pushing. Dd was out in the next 2 mins.

" Blimey , it's a whopper !"

Turned out to be only 10lb 2oz !!

I thought I was going to be in the tabloid headlines the following day ( Thanksgiving Day ) with " Mother delivers massive turkey " !!

oh ... and another memory ...
..... gave birth to DS1 26th Nov 1994 - the night of the first National Lottery Draw. Whilst under the knife for emergency C section, someone asked if anyone had checked their tickets yet ... much fumbling under green theatre robes for mislaid lottery tickets , then much comparing of what numbers everyone had . I felt rather like I was getting in the way of their first million pound win !
And that was preceded by the doctor performing the C section arriving on crutches to which the midwives said " Must have been one helluva party ?! " . Turned out he had broken his ankle dancing. And yes, I did go on to have another baby .... but not for another 5 years !

I know it's meant to be a fun thread, but just want to reassure those who haven't given birth yet that the stitching doesn't always hurt. My DC1 was delivered by a medical student (Richard) supervised by a midwife (Glenda - all the staff would shake hands and introduce themselves while I was either screaming or getting more and more hooked on the gas and air). Richard ask if he could cut me (episiotomy). Isaid OK. Didn't hurt. Stitching up the cut didn't hurt and didn't need anaesthetic. But with DC3 I tore. I'd been screaming at the two midwives to get the cord of my baby's neck cos they said she was blue. They were saying, 'OK, OK' but I waved my birth plan and sreamed about oxygen starvation at birth affecting a child's whole life. So they whipped cord off neck and she pinked up. When one of themwas about to stitch me, she rammed a huge wad of something into me to catch the blood. Her revenge. It was more painful than childbirth. But I didn't care cos my baby was fine, only had a few seconds wothout oxygen thanks to my birth plan

Whilst being stitched up after delivery, to the dr doing the job "good job there doc-designer vagina"!!!!!

Ooh and when I was adamant I needed to push and the contractions were so strong I couldn't fight them and was given nothing more than a bloody paracetamol
"You're just making it worse for yourself"

I am sure that some of these stories are apocryphal or at least I hope so. Midwives are wonderful people and I work very closely (as an obstetrician) with them.
A favourite expression of mine is that Shetland ponies make Shetland ponies and Shire horses make Shire horses. This of course means that if you are 5ft 7in tall and caucasian (like me) then you would expect to make a 10lb+ baby (like me) and that is simply normal. As for the PPH I would so very much hope and believe that the midwife would say "Don't panic but come on in".

'You're 10cms now but we'll put 9.5 on the chart because the consultant won't let women labour too long once they get to 10cms, this will give you more time.' EMCS 12 hours later.

What I meant was that I hope the midwife did not use the words they are quoted as saying. Of course having a baby is an extremely dangerous thing and things will always go wrong, however caring and careful the birth attendants are. I sincerely hope that every woman gets the very best of care always

Crash section (usual sort of story - waters broke, no contractions, put on drip, failure to progress, epidural, baby's heart-rate dropped and stayed below 60).

Second worst thing I heard (after small, greyish thing that was dd1 had been whisked across the room): we need the crash cart.

Worst thing I heard (a few minutes later, still no baby cry) - bleep the on-call consultant peadiatrician.

The midwife finally got her started, but it was a bad five minutes.

Crash team, not cart. Not sure how autocorrect did that.

I am sure that some of these stories are apocryphal or at least I hope so. Midwives are wonderful people and I work very closely (as an obstetrician) with them

Sorry I may not be around for awhile I'm off to retrain as a midwife because it's always good to have a job where you are beyond reproach and everybody who does it is wonderful and never has an off day.

Well I read this thread on Friday afternoon chuckling to myself and it didn't upset me in the slightest when I had DD2 on Saturday morning. I've given birth twice now and had lovely midwifes each time. Biology isn't an exact science.

My 2 to chuck into the ring

With DD1 I had to go up for a manual extraction of the placenta. Consultant leans over to anaesthetist - why is she snoring? I thought it was a spinal not a GA you have her?

I'd been awake for 3 days as I laboured so was quite happy to snooze while they rearranged my downstairs.

This morning the community midwife was doing checks of DD - took a good look at her face and said 'so this one came out a bit fast did she?'. Amazed they can tell these things

With DD I had a young midwife only just out of training and delivering labouring women on her own. I was low risk so in the MLU in a birthing suite. Every Half an hour or so she'd say 'I'm just going to do X as first Labour's are slow' then check me and give a surprised oh. 3 or 4 increasingly high pitched surprised 'oh's' later baby was born less than 2 hours fret arriving In hospital.

After that i needed stitches. She had a senior midwife watching over her giving her tips. "No I wouldn't do it like that, I know that's how they train you, but I like to do it this way'. I was essentially a lesson.

With DS he was faster. I arrived in the MLU again and at least got a senior midwife who took momentous at me and asked me about birth preferences before assessing me and so the pool was already run when I got to the suite. I got in and five minutes (literally, it's in my notes) he was born. Midwife said 'the towels aren't even warm' not that I cared. They also had none of the the placenta eviction injections it'd been so quick. No stitches that time at least.

My midwife actually did say, rather disapprovingly, "Well, I can see you don't know how to push!" Um no, I'd never had a baby before.

Half an hour later it was, "You need to push that baby out now or it's the scissors for you," as she brandished some surgical scissors. And proceeded to give me an episiotomy - against my will - with no anaesthetic.

This was 25 years ago and things have changed a lot, thank god, but I still shudder when I think about that bloody MW. She did say sorry afterwards, and that she was worried about the baby, but a bit more communication would have helped a lot.