to think these are words you never need to hear from a Midwife ? (only slightly lighthearted)

[CheshireDing]

Midwife said told "I can definitely feel a big head".

I am nearly 35 weeks and disturbed is not the word. DC2 had a big head, so what the hell size is this one's ??!!

Seriously practising my hypno now so get DC3 out shortly

After 8-9 hours of labour and no pain relief medication (not even G&A as that made me feel disorientated and high) I was moved to the labour ward.
There had been a lot of meconium when my waters had broke do there was an urgency to get the baby out. The Dr wanted to carry out an episiotomy but the MW was arguing that it night not be necessary.
I was getting increasingly stressed because by this stage there were must have been about 12 health professionals in the room. Consequently as soon primal self protection or something my contractions eased right off to the point of being weak and ineffective. All these people started telling me to push in various encouraging/forceful ways. I was pushing like mad but with little effect.

The smug doctor seemed to think that I was either delicious or deaf because he kept saying "she just needs to push".

Thankfully 9lb DS was born a little while later with the help of a ventouse. Like someone else was saying above the local anaesthetic wouldn't work but by that stage I felt like such a hero I didn't care.

On returning to give birth to DD recently the MW mentioned above who had argued with the smug bastard said she'd put in a complaint about him following the incident above, he has since moved on somewhere else.

"hold on I don't even have a delivery pack"
While DH is waving a DS head!

"It looks like twins. But they're scrappy little things"

"It" turned out to be a very non-scappy DS1.

Similar!

Me well into labour.
Doctor not midwife: " Have you had a scan?"
Me: " No."
Doctor: " Oooo! Seems like a lot of legs and arms in here. Is there any history of twins in the family?"
Me: " Yes, Aunty had twins."
Doctor: " Ooooo! I think it might be twins!"

I panicked a bit. We had one child already and I went through labour thinking whether I could initially squeeze two babies into my coach built pram until I could afford another pram.who could I borrow a cot from and hubby nearly went white when I told him.
She was wrong he was 9.3 1/2lbs.now a strapping 6ft lad.

Ha ha yes this thread has given me other things to think about too now, aside from DC3's apparent big head

I am temporarily going to console myself with the fact that whilst it may have a large bonce at least (so far) my fanjo hasn't been sewn to my bum and a finger stuck up there !

Have bought pineapples yesterday in the main attempt to start eviction proceedings anyway (hopeful)

I mean "vain" attempt, not main !

Cheshire I ate a whole fresh pineapple every day from about 36 weeks with DS1.......it didn't help and 13 years later I still can't face fresh pineapple!!!

After going from 2-10 cm in under an hour (after second pessary) I was offered paracetamol by my helpful midwife who thought I was perhaps exaggerating the pain. Her face was a picture when she examined me! Another interesting face was that of some poor random man as they walked me from induction sweet to delivery suite (only a few feet away) and I was shouting 'I'm going to PUSH'

This thread is making me feel that the several grand I spent on an independent midwife with nerves of steel and a great poker face was money well spent.

11lb baby got stuck at the shoulders at my homebirth, but she utterly kept her cool, as did the other midwife, calmly asked my friend to call an ambulance, and then resuscitated my ds on the bed right next to me. He'd come out look a cork from a bottle in the end, causing the second midwife to fly backwards off the bed onto her arse.

They were both a picture of serenity after me and DS were tucked up in bed an hour later, but I bet they went home and glugged gin.

Episiotomy with DS1, hence tearing with DS2. Home birth, GP came to do repairs, jabbed in the local, adjusted his lamp, started his sewing and told me about a pal who had brained himself when a similar lamp fell on him and died six weeks later. I laughed and he said he always told that story as if the mother laughed the local was working.

After I bit my dh's hand during contractions the midwife immediately ran to him with omg are you ok

Is HE ok?!

I've told you already you're not in labour I was and luckily dh decided to ignore her and take me in anyway as we only just made it in time and I nearly gave birth in the waiting area bitch midwife never apologised.

These threads are quite scary. Why is it the same theme over and over - women not being listened to or believed? Are 90% of women actually deluded in labour?

God this is funny! Loving all the dead pan examples to what is completely traumatic at the time.

DC1 was a horrendous back to back 3 day labour ending in theatre with rotational forceps delivery and loads of stiches. I'd naively gone in with a doula, a hypno CD and some body mist spray and was totally freaked out by the turn of events which led to the consultant breaking my waters with knitting needles, strapping me up to a heartbeat machine thingy, giving me an epidural, then transfer to theatre. I said to the MW just ahead of the transfer "gosh, the consultant is quite pro-intervention isn't she'. I get to the theatre, get rolled onto the bed, about 30 people in the room (as an aside, the most frightening were the ones at my feet wearing full on plastic glass head shields - how bad was the blood spray expected to be?) and the fecking consultant, ignoring my quiet sobs of a labour gone horribly wrong, a baby with falling heartbeat totally stuck inside me and being totally exhausted having not eaten for 3 days (bastards), the fecking consultant leans over and says "I hear you think I'm pro-intervention then?" and before I could answer, picks up the most terrifying scissors waves them about and then chops me up so they can get the forceps in.

Baby was fine, I was ok, albeit took about a month to comfortably walk again, and if I ever see that witch again I'd definitely smack her one.

(I admit now though, with the benefit of 7 years having passed since this happened, that intervention was necessary and I'm left more angry at the idiotic doula who kept saying "If you don't want intervention, you don't have to have it").

Sorry I know this is a concentration of bad stories but bloody hell. Black humour - yes, a fan of that but I'm actually upset by so many of these stories. Why do so many of the professionals working in this field lack basic sensitivity and empathy or just basic common sense? Don't they realise they are making their jobs harder by scaring the bejezzus out of birthing mothers with their insensitive and sometimes downright rude and cruel comments?

Is it because they have to switch it off in order to cope with the times when things go wrong? Honestly, telling a woman her bits are a mess and the constant belittling and disbelief that the woman can feel she is ready to push. Time and time again. And the inaccuracy of sizing the baby from the ultrasound that they claim as gospel. Can't some of them learn to exercise some restraint - if you can't say anything nice and all that? Don't they get training in this? So many women being treated as if they are giving birth on a battery farm production line. MNHQ, if this does go in Classics, please make sure there's a warning in the title.

PS. I had 2 x CS and am eternally grateful to the wonderful, skillful staff that ensured my 2 babies arrived safe and sound. I had some insensitive comments by midwives along the way but they pale into insignificance compared to some of these.

I gave birth to ds 6 weeks early!

I was in and out if hospital in lots and lota of pain in the days leading up to being admitted! Several midwives and even paramedics told me I wasn't in labour (I was) and I had a severe urine infection (I didn't) I lost my plug and was still told not to come in but dh and dm took me in as I was in so much pain!

Sat waiting in corridor to be seen (there was an emergency) after several hours I was put in a side room where I could bounce on a ball, walk around e.t.c they come and examine me and I am 100% effaced and 4cm dialated! The room fills with dr and midwives and I am whisked into l&d. Hooked up to a machine, given steroids and drugs to stop the labour!

2 days later I am off the drugs within a few hours I go back into labour and ds is born that evening! Throughout labour I was told I wasn't contracting (I was but I had a faulty machine that wasn't picking them up) and they didn't bother checking me regularly so in the end said I needed a c-section but just before they took me down they decided to check and i was 10cm dialated. On a plus note he came out with forceps after one pull and I was told I delivered him and the placenta very cleanly (preens)

just on the size front, we had a history of large babies in the family and I had a MASSIVE bump (had been very slightly built before getting pregnant - looked like I was expecting twins) and one of the MWs felt it all and announced it was probably a 7lb baby.... nope - that one was nearly 10lb. second time I was told baby was a "fair size but not huge" and that one was over 10lb.

I had friends who were told they were having monsters and couldn't go overdue etc and they had dainty little 7, 7.5lbers. the growth scans are notoriously rubbish.

Oh, I remembered another! My (lovely) mw saying 'I've never heard a noise like i!t'

You see, I'd got a bit scared during early labour (got left all alone overnight on the prenatal ward in early labour - long night), so when I got to the pushing stage and could actually do something about it all that fear turned into aggression and I went a bit 'I am woman hear me roar'...

Never really been one to suffer in silence, me

Mine was during my stitches

"I'm just going to put a catheter in, somehow you've managed to completely tear your pee-hole. I'll try my best not to sew it shut."

....She didn't sew it shut, but she didn't inspire much confidence!

One for classics and maybe to be highlighted to trainee midwifes and obstetricians?

Some of these are absolutely terrifying.

Mine are with dd1 circa 24hr after an induction due to pre eclampsia. Mw to dh (who is a doctor) - can you just sign these scripts to save me finding a doctor?

Dh - don't you think you that would be a bit inappropriate?

With dd2 attempting to have a vbac when her heart rate suddenly massively dropped and find myself being pushed along the corridor by a midwife and reg when one of them shouts 'where are all the anesthetists? Who is on duty?'

I went to get a check up with a consultant, at 39 weeks, mainly to get her to sign something to say that I was fine to give birth in the birthing room with the pool etc.. (I have occasional kidney issues) she said 'may as well examine you while you're here' moments later says ' Oh I've accidentally done a sweep and seem to have started your labour off' Er WHAT?? Waters broke that night..

Other one was during labour when I was really wanting to/already was pushing and had to ask if I was 10 cm yet... to which she MW replied 'oh yeah, you are'

Didn't feel like telling me then???!! Was happy when her shift ended tbh

Ill bring you some paracetamol. Hahahahahahaha!

Seeing the Mw before my Dc1, I was huge - and terrified of giving birth to what felt like the most enormous baby ever. Mw said I was being ridiculous and it was a v tiny baby and all water - and she had over 30 years experience " so find something else to worry about"

Began itching tremendously just before 40 weeks. Mw said all women itch and it was nothing, just put body lotion on. Itching became unbearable so rang labour ward in despair on Sunday. Was told to go in and informed my liver was failing and I should have told the Mw about itching!

They decided to induce me, didn't work, so went for cs. Baby was 5kg and I was told dc1 would never have come out normally.

Consultant said definite cs with another baby. Had scan, didn't want to know the sex. Mw said " that's a shame, because you already have a ds and this is lovely news"

Also, Mw as above guessed my weight with dc2 as the scales were broken and she cba to move rooms. When I went for the scan to see if there was anything wrong with dc2, from casual chat to the scan person I discovered they use the weight given by the Mw to work stuff out re the baby. She was not amused when I said " oh but that's her guessing". Scan lady re weighed me and re did all the calculations. She was really pissed off.

Oh god - after losing the 2 litres of blood after the cs, after a day I was put on the ward. No one read my notes. Was told to go and have a shower so I said I can't, I'm too weak. Mw said I was a silly girl and how did I plan to manage when I got home. Struggled to shower but collapsed in pool of blood. Mw said I was attention seeking (!)

Also the Mw who removed my screaming ds from his cot in the night but didn't hand him to me to feed - oh no, she left without a word carrying him. I was bed ridden after the cs and began screaming as didn't actually know where she was. She came back eventually and practically threw the still screaming ds at me saying " what on earth makes you think I want your baby?" Bitch.

the Mw who wouldn't let me leave saying ds had lost too much percentage of weight - turned out she couldn't do percentages (!) lucky I argued and insisted on seeing the numbers or I'd have been stuck in that hell hole for longer.

The Mw who let the registrar what was asked to leave and reported for malpractice pre my cs (fuck, that was a close call) - he came to tell me I needed a blood transfusion and he would do it. I was convinced he'd kill me ( undertandably) and informed him he couldn't talk me out of a burning car never mind letting him do a blood transfusion. Mw said nastily " are you a Jehovah's Witness? If so, you can leave because we need the bed". So that was nice.