to think these are words you never need to hear from a Midwife ? (only slightly lighthearted)

[CheshireDing]

Midwife said told "I can definitely feel a big head".

I am nearly 35 weeks and disturbed is not the word. DC2 had a big head, so what the hell size is this one's ??!!

Seriously practising my hypno now so get DC3 out shortly

Don't worry! I was always told my DS head was showing two weeks bigger! As he is my first I was in such a panic that I was going to give birth to a huge headed child ( regular nightmares about new baby having a head they would have to drag round on the floor as too heavy!) however he ended up arriving naturally two weeks early at perfect 7lb 2oz with a normal sized head! After all the worry I never even ended up with stitches!

Been weeping with laughter reading most of these. This thread definitely needs adding to the Classics!

Only had the one so far, vaginal birth with forceps after being induced. Had an epidural because I wasn't dilating and they thought I'd need a CS. But the epi wasn't working so I had to wait 4 hours (in agony because they couldn't give me any other pain relief, and g&a made me nauseous) while they waited for the senior anaesthetist to come back in (he'd gone home and had to drive in from the country) and re-do the whole thing from scratch.

DP completely out of his depth and not feeling like he was being any help at all, and apparently got rather pale at one stage. MW said " I hope you're not going to faint. You're a big guy and we might not be able to get you up again". He's 6ft 2 so not exactly gigantic

In the end, they said "we'll come back in an hour and if you're still not dilated enough we'll have to do an emergency CS". So I resigned myself a CS and then they came back and said " no, no, I think you can do it" which was not what I was expecting. Er, right then... Fortunately DS came out after 10 minutes pushing and was 10lb4 though DP was rather alarmed at doc as she braced her leg against the end of the bed before pulling DS out. Apparently she did it like that all the time.

I was also complimented on my excellent pelvic geometry ----

On going for a late scan to check all was ok with her first baby, one of my friends was told her baby "has a big head and a tiny body ... just like a teletubby". She was not best pleased with the doctor's creative imagery.

I've asked for it to be in classics, and be sent to the royal college of midwives ditto obstetricians for training!

Is there a section where these classic threads can be viewed?

At my booking in appointment worrying about vitamin/iron stores midwife says "your baby is a parasite and will leech you dry"
At 34 weeks when blood results have come back midwife says "ohh your iron is nice and high so at least you won't bleed to death during labour." Ironically this is exactly what nearly happened during the birth as I lost 1.5 litres of blood.

Had 3rd degree tear after DS so needed to go to theatre for repair. Was advised it might be a bit of a wait and had to be nil by mouth - the midwife then said, "no tea and toast for you!" I shed a little tear...

Planned second CS after VBAC with large, overdue, back to back baby. first one had been straightforward so not too worried.

DD pulled out easily and handed to DH. Then the following conversation down the other end:

This machine (to suck up the blood and recycle) isn't working, get the one from next door!
This one isn't working either, it must be the cord! Get another cord! There isn't one!
I can't see what I'm doing, there's blood everywhere! Make sure you get that big clot!
Oh look, there's a hole through the membrane to her abdomen, was that there before, stitch that up.
She won't stop bleeding...
Anaesthetist to me: I'm going to give you a drug to contact your uterus and stop the bleeding, it might make you feel nauseous...

seconds later I was dry retching continuously, DH says he has no idea how they were stitching me up as I was moving so much.

I lay there heaving my empty guts up wondering why I hadn't tried a VBAC induction with my overdue baby after all.

Spent the night on HDU, but by then was on a total high with DD next to me and managed to avoid a transfusion so it was all good in the end

Cauliflower - I've just had surgery under local on my armpit and surgeon was most bemused when after 4 lots of local I could still feel it. Nurse said "red hair. Can't numb them, can't stop them bleeding"
I warned him before he started it took 8 injections to have one tooth extracted!

blindsider

Talk
Mumsnet Stuff
Mumsnet Classics

"omg you look like shit."
the day after giving birth & pph of a litre. I looked a wee bit pale.

When I gave birth to ds2 twenty years ago I was transferred the next day to a small maternity hospital the next day for a few days. DS only weighed 5lb 10 and was having trouble latching on so I rang the buzzer for the midwife. She was a foreign lady and she got ds2's little head and said "you doooo doooo likkke theeeeees" and pushed ds onto my boob. She had the hairiest knuckles I have ever seen and she scare scared me to death!!!!

Trisprior

Thank you

DH tells me that as he was about to cross the delivery theatre floor to take DT2 in his arms, the ob said "erm, you'll probably want to stay up that end to be honest". I don't remember - I kept passing out between contractions and was less than fully conscious for the placenta delivery and the stitches. I just remember them saying they were both fine and I was like "yay"! [ passes out ]

after giving birth I was about to go to post natal ward when I said I felt faint & collapsed, then I heard her shout everybody out now. That was the last thing I heard for 48 hours, cam round with drips galore & a blood pressure gauge attache to my finger. Some fainting that was

With DS2 (third child) the midwife complained about how much gas and air I was using, she kept saying 'just have it when you need it'......well, DS hit the scales at 11lb 8oz and as there wasn't time for an epidural, I did bloody need it!

Not as bad as after a lengthy, traumatic and near death experience with DS1 having my dear MIL arrive and announce "if you'd done more housework you'd have had an easier labour" Charming.

"There's a flap hanging off!"

First look 'down there' post giving birth

Cheshire my dc3 was huge 10lb 8 and his head was off the scale and in measured 62cms long. In short he looked like a 3 month old. He was back to back but turned on his way out, his birth was no different to my two previous 7 pounders. I had no stitches or intervention, so hopefully your birth will be like mine.

I like to think I've have strong muscles rather than a bucket biff

MW at birth "That's the worst tear I've ever seen" Not helpful.
HV after birth "That's the worst bruising I've ever seen" Also not helpful.

Got to be classics

It was a junior doctor who did my stitches after ds2.
She asked how I wanted them. I said tight please so she said she'd try and make it look like Jeremy Hunt down there.
Gotta love gas and air!! I probably imagined that.

After having ds1, a Dr and MW were faffing about down there, me with my legs up in stirrups and no idea what was going on.

Then the MW shouts over her shoulder to the other MW in the back room 'Julie? Julie! There's too much blood here, we're overflowing - bring out a couple of the deep trays please!'

After very painful and rather traumatic back-to-back delivery, with MW1 holding my hand and MW2 at the sharp end, (with a delivery room full of registrar, junior doctor, consultant, paediatrican & anaesthetist standing by, some students at one point and God knows who else) MW1 said "I think you've broken my fingers". Apparently she'd never had somebody gripping her hand and squeezing that hard before.

I had an episiotomy with DD1 so I was prepared after tearing with DD2 for the bit when the MW said that she needed to stick her finger up my bum to check she'd not stitched my bum together. I asked her if she had would that mean I wouldn't be able to poo, she said "no you would be able to do a poo but it would come out like chips"

Me - on all fours having those end of labour horrific contractions.

DH & Midwife - at the business end waiting for the new arrival.

Midwife (pointing) 'see the anus is now contracting we know the baby is about to come out'