to think these are words you never need to hear from a Midwife ? (only slightly lighthearted)

[CheshireDing]

Midwife said told "I can definitely feel a big head".

I am nearly 35 weeks and disturbed is not the word. DC2 had a big head, so what the hell size is this one's ??!!

Seriously practising my hypno now so get DC3 out shortly

My otherwise lovely, if slightly dippy MW used my DPs giant fucking head to demonstrate how forceps would be used. As my biggest fear was how the large headed progeny of DP would make their way out of my fanny.

Another one related to DP. He had allegedly read "a completely scientific study" of how ethnic minority women struggle to bear the offspring of white men because they tend to be larger and south Asian women tend to be small framed. He shared this with the MW who instead of saying that's bollocks, said "oh, I think I've read that too".

I had to have a ELCS first time around, due to pre-eclampsia.

DC2 was VBAC, but as I'm partly deaf I didn't hear everything the MWs were saying. DP said afterwards he didn't realise I hadn't heard them discussing a drop in heart rate. Lucky for me, fast births seem to run in the family. DS arrived after a half day labour, with a hand alongside his head.

A big head, yes, but he was 8lb 1oz so not big overall. I only pushed for 10 mins. I managed not to tear but needed stitches internally as they told me I had deep scratches from DS's fingernails as he was pushed out, due to position of his hand next to his ear.

My DM did joke later that he was getting ready for his first phone

Reading all these stories about shredded lady parts is making me feel quite grateful for my emergency section!

There does seem to be a bit of a theme about women being told they're not in active labour and, 5 minutes later being told they're 9cms dilated or being told they've got hours to go when the head is crowning.

Whilst in hospital in prem labour at 28 weeks:

'Excuse doctor and I for a moment, we need to step outside to discuss your funny fanny'

I'm 38 weeks pregnant with baby number 2 and really need to stop reading this thread

DD1 8lb 1oz for majorly stuck - emergency situation - heavy forces use resulting in internal stitches for me. 5yrs later DD2 - 35wks pregnant starting having flashbacks so spoke to midwife who pushed on tummy and said "oh her head isn't too big" and "in a lovely position" sent me for a measuring scan to measure head circumference and my internal measurements to find she was breech position - bum first and legs straight in front of her face! So decided to have a C-sect - best decision ever made as she entered this world at 10lb 4oz!!

forceps not forces - although that was also the case

I went for a checkup at the end of my pregnancy and my previously low BP was now 175/115 and the consultant immediately got on the phone and said "the baby needs to be delivered NOW". I was petrified and told him the machine must be wrong and made the midwife take it again.

The Consultant, immediately after delivering my 10lb 8oz niece by CS... "You should just stick a satchel on her and send her to school!"

Things the midwife doesn't want to hear after a very rapid labour when baby and placenta are delivered.
'So are you going to get the other one out?'*

*she was kidding

Cauliflower

I went to see a consultant with my first, and he told me 'Eet has massive head. Like alien'. C Section it is then!

These are horribly funny.Are you ok OP?

Dot worry that is exactly what was said to me but my son was perfectly normal if very long - in fact the midwives left me alone as he was so long they wanted to know if he had beaten their record but they never told me. Nobody can say it's a piece of cake but you're so busy concentrating on having the baby as you have had more than enough after nine months.

My twins were delivered by csection. Long time waiting to become pregnant and very difficult pregnancy with lots of hospital admissions, then complications at the very end meant urgent birth needed at 38 weeks. So the safe birth of two healthy babies felt monumental. Babies whisked off for checks immediately. Obstetrician comments as he's sewing me up "you have no abdominal fat, do you work out?" And then engages other staff in general conversation about working out. Huh? WTF. Most monumental moment of my life so far and he's talking about abdominal fat. Grrrr. Talk about ruining a moment (also utterly irrelevant as between diathesis, twin skin and 6 kg of babies, my abdomen was pretty much shot).

Next baby was a natural delivery with 36 hours labour and 8 hours pushing. Doctor gives me a local just before he cuts me, but gets then called away for something. Anaesthetic worn off by the time he returns and starts sewing me up. "Ow" says I (possibly a bit stronger), "don't be such a wimp" says he, "ow ow ow" I continue, "nearly finished, don't whine" he adds, "would you like me to take a needle to your balls without an anaesthetic?" thinks I although I didn't actually say it since he was still holding a sharp implement down there.

The problems is that this is their daily job and is blasé to them even though it's huge to each one of us.

MW whilst stitching me up to Senior MW, "Where does this bit go?" ( 2nd degree and labial tear. Senior MW took over and I got compliments about her embroidery from later MW's. )

After the c section I was in the little room recovering and trying to bf for the first time and the Mw was chatting to ex dh as she pottered about. I said quietly " um, I don't feel so good" Mw casually looked in my direction, her face went then I collapsed, dh grabbed the baby, and the Mw raced into the corridor shouting " HELP HELP GET HELP NOW " Within seconds the room was full of people all looking panic stricken but v professional too.

I'd lost loads of blood. Over two litres in not many minutes.

ebb wishing I had your midwife - mine certainly didn't pass her sewing o level!!!!! When MW came round for home visit and I was still in agony unable to actually sit down she had a quick look - and said "oh god that's not good" and decided to remove all external stitches straight away!! I've been to scared to look ever since!!!!

When my twins were born one of the nurses said " he is going to please the ladies" whilst pointing between his legs........

: "sorry, there's been a bit of a miscommunication but the homebirth midwife is now on her way to you. She's about thirty minutes away. "

phhh phhh phhhh (suppressing urge to push).

Baby was latched on and feeding when midwives arrived

Baby was well over 9lbs but she has a 10.5lb brother. so was easy in comparison.

When I had my daughter, failed vontuse, forceps, 9 staff in the room discussing emergency CS - the registrar doing the sewing up asked me what thread I wanted him to use! Me being me I asked what the options were. He did such a bad job I had to have physio sessions to reduce the scarring. Daughter was 8lbs 8oz.