Pointless soul destroying ongoing fights with inanimate objects

[HoneyDragon]

The compost bin provided by the council. The bastard. I spent a painful 5 minutes trying to wrestle that fucker shut today before I realised the handle had slipped under the hinge. I won in the end but the fuckers still looking smug in the utility room.

And EVERYTHING in my understairs cupboard works on a rota to pick a fight with me. Sometimes the vacuum and ironing board work together to get me.

What intimate object regularly picks fights with you?

Have you ever finally emerged victorious?

You need a vice to hold the part with the hole while you bend the tongue

Sheer bloody filth.

NoelHadbands To the pure all things are pure or to put it another way: Honi soit qui mal y pense

Love greybonnet's theory! Makes absolute sense.

Why all the hate guys? I'm just doing my job! #rightsforhenrys

I don't have fights with it, but I'm getting peed of with the constant nagging from my phone. It's like an over protective mother: "take an unbrella", "wrap up warm", "you'll need wellies" etc.

Electric toothbrushes- what evil bastard designed them? Narrower at the bottom than the top- but why? The merest tap and they fling themselves into the sink to rattle round and round and round deliberately or into bath/ onto floor...

Also coathangers. Utter twats.

I am laughing so loudly at this post I have been banished from living room!!
Ps My car petrol gap and I are currently at war.

Oh dear god, GreyBonnet. You're right, aren't you? That's where the teaspoons have gone. Urgh. I shall have nightmares about where they're lurking in clingfilm pupal stage.

(And also explains why my MIL looked at me very oddly when I tried to return one of her teaspoons we had borrowed for a totally legit reason. She thought she was getting a new coathanger - she lurves to shop! - and I'd ruined it.)

I kept using an apparently non stick frying pan that everything stuck to
It got an omelette stuck to it, I walked outside and hurled the whole thing in the bin and bought a new one. Felt good

Oh and my car
I turn the heat up to full and max power. Fine. Turn it on to windscreen instead of blasting at me and it switches the air con on. It's minus 1, I don't want the sodding air con on
And to open the passenger door if you're stood outside the car, you have to bleep it three times. Why?!?! Even if the bloody car is unlocked!

I agree about that bastard Henry. He tried to kill me by pushing me down the stairs when I was pregnant. Luckily I managed to grab hold of the banister and he fell down instead. He smashed into 3 pieces and still bloody survived. And yes why does he fall over every time you try and move him.

I have am over dramatic Dyson. It works wonderfully until i mention it's time to empty it. That's when it spits dust at me. Then when I try to unscrew it, it refuses to budge. Until i am basically wrestling it. Then it explodes. Once I've tidied up and emptied it, it refuses to be put back together. Basically it is as cooperative as a toddler that has missed a nap.

The passenger seat alarm on the car. Great in theory - sound an alarm if someone is sitting in the seat but not put their belt on. Except when it goes off randomly when I'm driving because it thinks that the pint of milk I've put on the seat is a person. Who weighs the same as a pint of milk? And it doesn't just beep a few times and shut up. It goes on, and on, and on until I am able to reach across and fling the bottle on the floor. The DC laugh at me when I rage at it.

I turn the heat up to full and max power. Fine. Turn it on to windscreen instead of blasting at me and it switches the air con on

Mine does it too, is it a Ford you have? DH says there is good reason for it and it clears the windscreen quicker but it pisses me off too.

Yes my car does that. Air con just blows out more filtered air, not just cold air, it will come out at whatever temperature you've got it set to.

Nope VW. They're in conspiracy

That congealed black gritty crud that encircles the base of my taps. Feck off, you lurky flotsam of filf!

I'm going to enjoy this thread but have to go to sleep and I'm only a few comments in!
As for me, the biggest stand off I had was with my house. For the first several months it was completely random when we would be let in the door and when we would be made to wait and faff on the porch getting the key "just so". Stupid goldy locks door!

Drhooves and mine and yes, it's a Ford.

DH has reminded me of the time I lost my shit with a bunch of plastic coat hangers attacking me and launched them with such force across the room that they broke into large sharp pieces of plastic that I had to do a fucking fingertip search to locate from the carpet so my crawling DS (who I woke up)wouldn't find them.

Thinking about it now, I should've hung one of them back up so its broken remains were a warning to others.

I had a great time throwing Henry Hoover into the "hole" at the dump a while ago. He was launched with such force both the dump man and dh were amazed when he landed on the concrete floor. Fully intact. And still grinning like an arsing cock face.

I bet he'd still work now. Smug git.

I have a reusable co-op shopping bag that can be scrunched up small and kept in my handbag until I need it. I don't know who they designed it for unless the Co-op thinks everyone's arms are 10cm long or their legs are 6 foot long, but the bag is just too deep and when it's full of wine heavy stuff it keeps bashing the bottom on kerbs or slight pavemental unevenness. Drives me fucking mental. End up having to slightly bend arm all the way home to keep it off the ground. Then my arm hurts and I am tempted to abandon shopping in the street and go home and order a takeaway instead. The fucking straps aren't long enough to put over your shoulder either. Every goddamn time and I paid a quid for the cunt too, so now it and I are effectively in carrier-bag matrimony and I'm not allowed to replace it with anything else for the rest of my life.

Co-op reusable bags: for giants only, please.

My oven turns itself off at random times of its own choosing. Usually when I'm cooking something involving lots of different timings.it fucking hates me.

My cardie pocket hooks itself onto door knobs as I walk around the house, literally stopping me dead in my tracks.

Don't know which I want to funk off more, the cardie or the door knobs.

Seatbelt in my car. When DH moves the seat back to his driving position the seatbelt is perfectly positioned. When I move the seat forward to MY driving position the arsing seatbelt nestles into the door jamb and I have to practically dislocate my shoulder to get the effing seat belt on. Misogynist git! It's MY CAR.

The vertical DVD player in my computer tower is second cousin twice removed to the till in Ronnie Barker's Open All Hours. One hint of bare fingers near it and it snaps shut. If you're lucky enough to have got the disc in it, when you've watched it, it refuses to eject.