Pointless soul destroying ongoing fights with inanimate objects

[HoneyDragon]

The compost bin provided by the council. The bastard. I spent a painful 5 minutes trying to wrestle that fucker shut today before I realised the handle had slipped under the hinge. I won in the end but the fuckers still looking smug in the utility room.

And EVERYTHING in my understairs cupboard works on a rota to pick a fight with me. Sometimes the vacuum and ironing board work together to get me.

What intimate object regularly picks fights with you?

Have you ever finally emerged victorious?

My food has it in for my head. I open the fridge and the butter falls on my head. I open the cupboard and the rice falls on my head. I open the freezer and I am assaulted by sausages. I look forward to the day that I have to explain to the Doctor that my head injury was cause by a Pop Tart.

hehe the amount of times I've yelled at my computer for the various issues it's caused over the years is embarrassing. The arrogant shit just sits there not replying like it's too good for me.

Good yes my Henry is a fucker who is out to kill me. We have a lot of stairs and thank god I'm a robust woman otherwise I'd have been squished to death by him falling on me. He also gets caught on doors and ends up being dragged around unceremoniously until I can be arsed to pick him up. My 10 month old adores his though.

Door handles are another problem. We invested in some expensive knobs recently and as beautiful as they are they are fucking dangerous. I have nearly been garroted several time when my handbag has been caught on them. Similarly coats and flappy clothing also get caught and I am often seen bouncing around like a drunk due to being caught on my fucking door handles.

Just this morning, the zip on my coat got stuck, and I told it to "fuck right off, you disgusting little shit."

I'm normally a very nice person, honest

Taps, all the fuckeyed taps in every house I've ever lived in actually but my current house is the worst yet. I don't do anything unusual with/to them, I don't think I'm overly aggressive in my handling of them (yet ) so why do none of the goady little fuckers work properly? The cold one in the kitchen pretends it's turned off and then when I go back in the washing up bowl is half full and the sneaky bastard's sitting there merrily dripping away, the hot one however requires industrial grips to turn on. The upstairs bathroom hot tap refuses to turn on unless I apply exactly the right amount of pressure to its top whilst turning at the same time resulting in a permanent RSI to my wrist and the cold one requires three full turns before it deigns to dispense even a dribble. The ones in the downstairs loo are my nemesis though, I know their game by now and meticulously tighten them after use but still every time I go in there, often because I can hear the smug little cunts from the living room, they're both pissing water like I've walked off mid handwash and just haven't bothered to even try to turn them off which is exactly what they want DH to believe and the gullible fucker actually does. And we're on a water meter to add insult to fucking injury. I hate them, I hate them all.

I can add to the evidence that my house hates me. Living room light has simply stopped taking power from the mains. Because it's winter. And it's dark. If I fall over something getting to the lamp again I'm torching this place

My printer. 'Oh I couldn't possibly scan a document (NO actual printing required) or even print it in black and white because I'm just feeling a little bit low in my Magenta.'
Prima Donna.

My huge jar of douwe egberts coffee deserves a mention (in truth I don't really like it but it had a pretty orla kiely pattern on it so I'm using it up to store something in it)

Sealed with the strongest suction known to man. When I finally manage to break the seal by somehow wrestling it and catching it by surprise, or getting in there with a knife, the fucker suddenly gives way and showers me and every surface within 6 ft with coffee granules. Which then weld instantly wherever they land.

What's wrong with a screw top anyway?

Mine is the loo roll holder. One of the suction pad ones that supposedly sticks to the tiles. Well ours does, but only for a roll that's been half used or more. It's like it has a weight limit written into its contract. Put a full roll on and it's all 'you can't possibly expect me to hold THAT! I'm going to fall off the wall in protest.'

You have one job, loo roll holder...

Steam irons are my nemesis. It sits there waiting for me to iron something delicate before leaving a line of limescale. If I try to clean it will limescale remover, its give up completely.

*with

Ive got to stand up for Henry. I have four (well 3 plus hetty) now Dyson on the other hand... great for vacuuming the floor but you try using the hose on the upright version to do stairs and edges. The bastard will throw itself on the floor in the manner of a two year old being asked to do something it doesn't want to. I hate it

Whirlybird how could I forget about the Douwe Egberts jars....

I have had the same thing happen to me. Except there wasn't coffee granuals inside which could be cleaned up relatively easily, but with plenty of the 'oh ffs' going on...

Oh no, Murphys thought that jar would be perfect for keeping the reused oil in one day, you know the oil that maybe one day you will use again for chips or scotch eggs........

Fucking bastard oil went everywhere......... my kitchen floor was like a fucking ice rink for weeks............

Every time I open the fridge, the fucker twats me in the forehead.

I have a dent in my head now.

Last night I got the little hand held vacuum out to suck up some crumbs on my kitchen floor. "I know!" I thought "I'll empty out the little filter bag!" Cue an explosion of crumbs and fluff and general shit all over the kitchen floor. So I had to get the big vacuum out. Bastard thing

I particularly liked 'I'm glad it's got limescale'. 😃
For me it's the bottom rack of the dishwasher. It is a new dishwasher so there's no excuse. It just will not stay on its runners. I pull it out to put in a plate and every time it slips off like the whole thing is just too much effort and it can't be arsed to skip brightly down the runner like the other racks. Then I need to wrestle it back into place, only for it to slip off again as I push it back in.
The dishwasher's only saving grace is that it has a cutlery tray (not a basket) at the top which I love dearly (all the forks are together, all the spoons, all the knives... ). It just gets more and more upsetting as you go further down.
Just thought, maybe the bottom rack knows I love the top rack best?

The fridge when we've just got back from shopping.In all fairness I do warn DH and the 5DC that if anything falls out of there and attacks them it's not my fault,I blame the bloody evil fridge gremlins,I swear the fridge looks normal when I've finished with it but as soon as my backs turned the flaming thing explodes food when ever any one opens the door on it.

It's that or I need new bloody eyes

I think coat hangers are the ISIL of the Western world. They launch random attacks in the name of coat hanger unity. They are like some hideous deviant puzzle to which only they know the answer. And they have warring factions. Wire(the most malevolent type) v wood v plastic ( and the plastic ones have sub factions)

Their latest ambush was to get stuck in my sliding door wardrobes. Now I can't open them, so they have achieved total world domination.

Fucking fucking Honda wiper motors. "What shall I do today? Start at random, refuse to start, refuse to stop, park wherever I want? I know! I'll do all of it!"

It is truly a shitegobbling spunktrumpet.

My Hoover has an extendable wire. Does it extend when I need to move further from the plug? Does it buggery. Instead it pulls the plug out of the socket so I have to go put it back in before pulling the lead out a bit myself and carrying on with the hoovering. It also keeps getting blocked. I hate that bloody Hoover.
Oh and the washing machine can piss off too. I CAN HEAR THAT YOU HAVE FINISHED THE CYCLE THERE IS NO NEED TO BEEP EVERY TWENTY SECONDS UNTIL I OPEN THE DOOR. I WILL GET TO YOU WHEN I AM READY

See that's what I love about my new washing machine, it gives a gentle beep to let you know that it's finished, in case you want to be getting stuff dried, and then it switches itself off and sits there all nice and quiet. Perfect.

Ive come up with the theory that the teaspoons have run away with the odd socks and that one shoe that you can never fucking find, has limped into a dark corner completely devastated by the socks betrayal

Also, I once cried my eyes out because the washing machine door was stuck on lock, and wouldn't open for love nor money. I was desperate to get my washing out so I could dry it before work.

I'm talking a proper, inconsolable sob, complete with snot running down my chin. I think I ended up kicking the shit out of it before it popped open

My Dyson often will not unclip properly so that the cylinder dust part can be emptied. Other times it will randomly unclip the bottom of this part before it has been taken out of the vacuum cleaner which then drops all the dirt all over the cleaner and the floor. Which means I then have to clean the vacuum cleaner itself and then clean the floor. Again.

I've sorted the tupperware lids though. I bought some plastic folders from WHSmiths and store the lids in those. It means I only have to wrestle with a couple of folders than 500 random lids none of which match. I sadly very excited when I first did this.

This year the radiators hate me. Small crack in pipe leading to bathroom radiator. Plumber comes, drains system to fix pipe. No problem. A few weeks later I notice small drip from daughter's bedroom radiator. Plumber comes, drains system, replaces radiator. A few weeks later I notice a leak from our bedroom radiator. Plumber comes, drains system, replaces radiator. Now the pressure gauge is not working properly on the boiler. So the plumber will be coming tomorrow to fix that. This year has definitely been the year of the radiator problems.