To be slightly mortified

[Allinson2014]

A delivery driver just came to the door. I opened the door and said "chicken". I've no idea why. He looked like this and then ran away. I've no explanation apart from my DD is teething and thinks sleep is for wimps at the moment.

[Cheesymonster]

DH was struggling to open something and I said "Would you like mummy to do it for you?"

[RusticBlush]

Numerous times in the past when wished a happy birthday I've replied "You too!"
far too polite
I even thanked the man at the gym who was testing the chlorine levels of the hot tub I was sat in

[MmeLindor]

My mum heard someone speaking German when she was standing in the queue at Alton Towers. I'd only recently moved to Germany, and she was desperate to chat to them, but could only think of one word to say. She tapped them on the shoulder and when they turned around, she said, "Hörnchen", which is a local German word for "croissant".

She then turned back to her friend, who was giggling hysterically while the German couple looked quite bemused.

[BrainSurgeon]

Crying with laughter at Morgan and talking cocks

[BrainSurgeon]

I think I'm going to steal "chicken" as my random-thing-to-spout-when-not-sure-what-to-say. OP you may have started a trend

[BrainSurgeon]

.....and just now, reading a thread about cats, someone wrote 'anal behaviorist' instead of animal rofl

[butterflyballs]

I was out with my best mate one Saturday, both child free for the first time in months and we decided to eat before heading out for the night. So we had a few drinks and were a bit (quite a bit) merry when the food arrived at our table.

I had a chicken club sandwich. I bit into it and the bacon was a bit chewy so I sort of pulled it out with my teeth. Unfortunately it dislodged a piece of chicken which went flying through the air and landed on the table in between two ladies having a chat. They both stopped talking, stared at the chicken and then turned round and looked at us. I'm sitting there with a mouth full of good and bacon hanging out my gob and my mate was convulsed with laughter. We literally couldn't speak and my mate spluttered out a sorry.

[BigBeads]

Not that long ago actually, DH had a day off work and the kids were at school so were were, ahem, making hay while the sun was shining as you do when the phone rang. It was a guy who was scheduled to come do some stuff in the garden that day saying he'd be there in a few minutes, to which DH said 'tell you what, can you make it half an hour?'. Sure says he, bish bash wallop, we're done and yes, like the poor takeaway lady up thread, there was the dreaded tone indicating he hadn't hung up. Cringer. Although, we did have a laugh thinking he was most likely saying to himself "Half an hour?! Don't bloody think so mate!" I did hide when he arrived though .

Another time DH and I had gone out for a boozy lunch while on a romantic weekend away, and just as we were finishing up he got a conference call from a company he had interviewed with offering him the job. Way hay! Sadly DH is not the 'instant sobriety' type and then started to waffle on about how excited he was, including how "hot" he was to work for them. I was genuinely bent over double laughing and even our waiter was like "Dude, hang up! H-A-N-G U-P NOW".... good times....

[PolkadotsAndMoonbeams]

Oh Tooold I've done similar with a road crossing.

I was at university and used to babysit a little boy one afternoon a week. We used to often go out to the park/shops crossing a few busy roads. That's the only thing I can use as a possible excuse for what happened...

I was walking back from a society meeting one night with somebody who lived in the same direction as me. As we reached the road I reached for his wrist, then told him "the green man means we can cross".

He pointed out that at twenty seven he'd been crossing the road on his own for rather longer than I had...

[LBOCS]

My DH quite frequently looks at me then plants a kiss on whatever it is he's holding instead of me For some reason it's quite often his trousers.

DD has form for running off in shops. We were trying to order a bedroom carpet one afternoon when she sprinted off. I said, in my best mum voice, 'WHAT do you think you're doing?'. Cue 5 carpet salespeople (who had been standing about chatting) looking at me very startledly, then bustling off to find something to do. Dd (as ever) ignored me.

[TeenageWildlife]

Standing outside after a gig, Friend saw Bob Geldof and wanted his autograph. I handed over a pen, and Bob saw that I had a packet of Spearmint gum. He asked if he could have a piece, I carefully unwrapped it and held the piece out to him, only realising my mistake when I saw his querying expression.

And I flashed a complete stranger near the tube station one night, thinking it was my bf.

[HellKitty]

When my DCs were small we had an impossibly handsome Italian postman who would stop for a chat when delivering. I answered the door to him once while holding DS2, the postie made a big fuss of him -
'Oh look at you, you handsome big boy..'
Me - 'oh you're a handsome big boy too!'

[Timetoask]

Back in the days without central locking, my mum and my teenage self were walking back to our car, I stood by the passenger door waiting for ages wondering why on earth she was taking so long to open the car when I spot her across the road desperately trying to unlock another car identical to ours! Thank goodness the owners didn't turn up!

[MagentaVitus]

I bumped into Jimmy Carr in the street. Physically bumped into him.

I reacted by grabbing his arms, wiggling a little bit and saying 'Jimmy Carr' in a faux/dreadful/unconvincing South Asian accent.

He. Looked. Mortified. We didn't say anything else, just scurried off quickly!

[steppemum]

I was in a larger meeting (informal though, at someones house) we were talking about electing people for the next triennial.

I said something about the next trimester. Only one person noticed, she looked at me a laughed and winked.

I was pregnant at the time and hadn't told anyone, She obviously guessed!

[Tinklypink]

I had friends to stay for my birthday and one of them had brought her new partner, who I had only met once before but who was really lovely.

We were all getting ready to go out when friend's DP went into the bathroom. I hadn't long moved in and there was no mirror in there.

Yes, yes I did - I knocked on the door and said 'xxx would you like a mirror'

I got a 'Ermmmm no thanks' back

Thought absolutely nothing of it but returned to my bedroom to faces like from the others.... It was minutes later when the toilet flushed when I realised that I had asked my guest if she would like a mirror whilst using the toilet

Thankfully she saw the funny side but admitted she had hid in there scared for a while before venturing out

[LaLaLaaaa]

I'm pregnant and had to go to hospital for monitoring due to abdominal pain. Everything was fine on monitor but Dr said she would examine me internally just to be sure.

She put the funnel up me to take a swab, which I absolutely hate!!! She then removed the funnel and said 'I'm just going to examine you now with a finger'

Without thinking I said 'oh good, that's much nicer'



My dh was crying with laughter and the doctor looked a bit taken aback

[PeppermintCrayon]

I am weeping with laugher at these.

Recently someone rang me while I was in the middle of typing an email. At the end of the call I got very confused and said: "Best wishes!" instead of goodbye.

[ots]

Haha, love these.

We always get our food shop delivered on a Wednesday. One week, I accidentally ordered it for the Tuesday without realising.

When I saw the shopping van turn up, I was annoyed and confused as to what he was doing here on a Tuesday. I opened the door and said "what day is it?" in a really rude tone. He looked a bit taken aback and told me it was Tuesday. I said "yes I thought so, our shopping day is Wednesday" and started to shut the door on him! .

I only let him unload the boxes when he showed me the receipt and I realised my mistake!

[Gmum13]

This thread is amazing. I was planning to get an early night but instead sat and read all 6 pages of these.
I couldn't think of any of my own until I read the talking cock post.

My 2 year old DS has recently learned the word for clock.. although he has a hard time pronouncing L's so instead of clock he says 'cock'. In our town we have a big clock tower, we were rushing past it a few weeks ago when he stopped and told me 'Mummy, cock'. Feeling quite proud with him for recognising it I exclaimed rather loudly (and without really thinking) 'oh wow, look at the big cock!' Several people turned around and gave me the most horrified looks.

[toastyarmadillo]

Walking home from dropping the piglets off at school, I reached the crossing, group next to me started to move onto the crossing until I snapped loudly at them "get back on the pavement until I tell you it's safe to cross" they did as well!

[LobsterQuadrille]

These are brilliant.

Years ago, while working for one of the Big Four firms, I had to give a presentation to a bunch of all male accountants on a Bank of England section 39 review I'd been involved in (internal controls - very dry). I was 23, very junior and very nervous. Obviously the best opening line was "I'm going to present my results of the section 69 review of xxx bank." I then went bright red, spluttered, apologised, corrected myself and became completely flustered. The horror of the moment stayed with me for many years.

[Assquatch]

Years ago just had pfb, saw who I thought was a good friend and ran after for about 5 mins. Complete stranger looks at me like 'who the heck are you'

[QforCucumber]

Hahaha fantastic.
My best blank moment was working in a call centre, headset beeped in my ear to say a call was coming through - usual spiel should be 'good afternoon insurance, my name is q, how can I help?'
I, for some unknown reason answered with 'good afternoon you're speaking to someone, can I help?' Didn't even realise until a colleague told me and we listened back to the call in a team meeting

[bobsalong]

Last night I was adding the music from Joseph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat to my Spotify don't ask and I was looking at Andrew Lloyd Webber's Wikipedia to find more music again, don't ask

DP walks in and I said "What's the name for these things..." (Gesturing at the computer)
DP "What things?"
Me "These singing things... Where people sing?"
DP looks confused
Me "You know!" (Extremely angry voice)
DP "Do you mean musicals...?"

My poor brain.