To be slightly mortified

[Allinson2014]

A delivery driver just came to the door. I opened the door and said "chicken". I've no idea why. He looked like this and then ran away. I've no explanation apart from my DD is teething and thinks sleep is for wimps at the moment.

[makeawish2]

Best thread I haven't stopped laughing . Rembering when asked for directions I said 'turn left at the msguc roundabout' and once in a supermarket I saw what appeared to be an elderly man struggling to pack his shopping ..I thought I would do a good turn and offer him a lift home with his shopping. I siddled up to him and said quietly 'I've got a car outside' ...he turned around...a youngish man stated at me and said 'so have i '

[Dowser]

I'm laughing and cringing with embarrassment for you all.

( probably because I've been there and done that.)

Love the trousers one btw hash brown.

Think that wins the prize. It's up there with chatting and smiling to everyone with a piece of lettuce stuck on your teeth.


( ouch!)

[Dowser]

Oh I needed this laugh today

Magic roundabout ffs

I'm wiping the tears off my face!

[hotfuzzra]

These are hilarious!! Although I don't recommend reading whilst feeding an easily distracted baby!

[Toooldtobearsed]

makeawish you have just reminded me of another one.

When DS was about 15, driving home from work, I would often pass him, sloping shoulders, odd teenage shuffling walk, along the street with his bright blue backpack dangling from his shoulder, would pick him up and go home together.

I saw him one day when I was in a silly mood. Kerb crawled alongside him and through the drivers window seductively growled (Eartha Kitt style) ' come for a ride in my car little boy, I have puppies and kittens to show you'.

Do I really need to say more?

The man, for he was such, took one look and legged it.

[makeawish2]

[grin ] tooold

[Dowser]

This should carry a triggering warning.

I just love the Morgan one and how much is your pension?

Which triggered off a memory of being at my aunts party. A male relation through marriage who had lost his wife a few years previously and had brought up their daughters on his own brought along his new bright bubbly girlfriend who also had been widowed in similar circumstances.

So the whole family were delighted that in mid age they had found each other until some stupid little Dowsie( Dozy would have been more appropriate)

Asked his new squeeze how old she was.

When I really meant ' how long have you known one another?'

Oh the shame!

( they married and had a good few happy years together!)

[londonrach]

Slides in, keeps head down as being dyslexic this situation is a daily problem. Love the fact im not alone!!! Keep it going mntters... X

[makeawish2]

One day out shopping my bf at time waited in car. When I had finished shopping I got into someone else's car .sat in passenger seat ..looked at driver..rather than explaining my mistake I just stared at him and blurted 'no thanks' and got out of his car

[Toooldtobearsed]

makeawish

[BeccaMumsnet]

Hi everyone - we all seem to be in agreement that this thread is bloomin' hilarious, so we're going to move it over to our Classics topic

chicken

[cleanmyhouse]

In labour with my second child, no drugs but gas and air. Getting to the end and in massive pain. The midwife said "as soon as you feel the first twinge of a contraction, start really taking the gas". So i feel a twinge and i go for it, breathing the stuff in like mad, then i realise i'm not contracting and am off my face on the gas and said "this stuff is fucking awesome when you're not cumming". I meant contracting obvs.

[AbsentMindedNumpty]

aah, currently giggling quietly at dentist surgery and getting funny looks . I don't care, this thread has cheered me up today no end.

[AbsentMindedNumpty]

I've just read meerkat post about "ears running down her face" and now still at dentists 'ears' are running down mine .

[MrsFlorrick]

DM was visiting me and my brother. This is more than 20 years ago when we were students.
We are not British and although DM has excellent command of the English language, occasionally things go awry.

DB had trouble getting up on time so we went into John Lewis to buy him a mega loud alarm clock. DM had suggested we get one of those irritating "cockadoole" crowing ones.

She marched straight upto a member of John Lewis staff and said: "where do you keep your talking cocks"

All with a completely straight face as she had no idea what she had just said. DB and I were literally on the floor crying and a number of JLP staff dove down behind their counters attempting to muffle their laughter.

I won't even try to tell you how long and complicated it was to explain to DM what she had said.....

[AliceHoney]

I'm on maternity leave, and during the winter I spent a lot of time going stir-crazy in the house with no one to talk to but the baby. One day, in between rain showers, I put baby in his sling and set off up the road to the local shop. When I got there, the nice man behind the counter wished me good morning. To which I replied with a cheerful "Peekaboo!" I haven't gone back since.

[Methe]

I sent an email to my whole team asking if anyone had any shit preferences..

[oldbrownboot]

I read these again today and still make me cry with laughter. Also read some to my DS (8) and he now wants a mum like the OP as saying chicken to a delivery man is apparently really brilliant.

[PHANTOMnamechanger]

Oh I've just remembered a great one, can't remember if I saw it on here or it might have been on "This Morning"

woman in her late 50s is shopping for fairy lights at christmas, asks a young male assistant in Wilko "excuse me, do you sell feather lights" and is bemused as he walks her well away from the decorations ailse and helpfully waves his hand at the condoms

she was and that he thought she still needed contraception!

hahahaha!

[PHANTOMnamechanger]

@ Alice peekaboo!!!

[Idontseeanydragons]

Oh god I've remembered another couple...
Went into the shop to buy a loaf if bread not long after having DC3. Stood in the queue rocking the bloody loaf to sleep and crossly shushed the teenage boys who were being a little lively behind me
They shushed because I obviously had a mad look in my eye.

Looked outside our house one dark night to see the new neighbours children messing around in our car so knocked in the window and yelled at them to get out. Unfortunately our car was parked across the road and was a distinctly different model and colour to the car they were sat in, which was in fact their own car.
I hid every time they left the house for weeks afterwards and was very relieved when they did a moonlight flit

[Millie2013]

Starbucks employee asked for my name a few weeks back (with pen poised)
"John", I yelled.
I'm female and my name is not John

[OrionsAccessory]

I've been crying laughing reading these

I can only think of one to add. I was taking dd to playgroup, she was about 3 yo at the time. I was walking along with dd2 in the buggy and realised dd1 was dawdling miles behind so I yelled "hurry up slow coach!" to her. Unfortunately between where I was standing and dd1 was standing there was a care worker helping a very frail, very /slow/ elderly lady out of her house to a bus. Of course the care worker had not seen dd and obviously thought I was telling the old lady to hurry up

[TheElementsSong]

Making small talk with some colleagues who had come to visit our campus from another site. On hearing that I have young twins, they asked how our sleeping was. Instead of saying, "We usually manage to wake up before they do", what came out was, "We usually beat them up in the morning."

[PHANTOMnamechanger]

elements that's brilliant!

I can totally 'get' rocking a loaf of bread, it took me ages to learn to stand still in a queue after having DC, I was always rocking from one foot to the other out of habit, must have looked like I needed the loo!

Millie why did you say John? was that on his name badge??