To be slightly mortified

[Allinson2014]

A delivery driver just came to the door. I opened the door and said "chicken". I've no idea why. He looked like this and then ran away. I've no explanation apart from my DD is teething and thinks sleep is for wimps at the moment.

Haha Q, I had a similar experience as a call centre employee. While waiting for my next call, i sent my sister a text asking what we should get my mum for her birthday. My headset beeped a new call through as my sister text back an unhelpful reply ... my customer got "Hello, you're through to No Idea, how can I help" 😂

I had a very hard time on the phone ordering by number from the Chinese Takeaway menu. The man kept saying "just tell me what you want". Eventually I realised I was talking to our local Indian restaurant, who luckily don't number the menu, otherwise we'd have been eating a random selection.

A lovely colleague of mine has three sons, each with 5 years between them, so for fifteen years she was permanently in the company of one small boy or another. On her first day back to work after DS3 started school she was on the train, and noticed that there was a fire engine driving along the road which ran parallel to the railway line. She enthusiastically gripped the knee of the businessman next to her (a complete stranger) and announced in best Mummy voice "Oh look, darling, a FIRE ENGINE!" Apparently he was very understanding about it, and admitted he did rather like fire engines anyway.

"Do you have any nice knobs?" I meant doorknobs.

When I was working in a sandwich shop a guy that regularly came in once asked me very seriously "how soft are your baps today?"

In his defence the shop had just been bought by new owners and they did tend to continue flogging old and stale bread until it was all used up.

I used to work in a Tesco Express store, frequented by an elderly, blind man who requested our services to source the items he needed. This happened in the days before I worked with the disabled so my tact and manners were immature in this sort of situation.

I noticed he was dangerously close to scraping his face against a plastic separator in the chiller and told him loudly to 'watch out!'.

He enquired as to whether we stocked a certain spread. I couldn't find it so I loudly said to a colleague 'do we have any flora or am I just blind?'

I honestly don't know why he didn't complain.

My mother and I were at the checkout of a shop. A young lady with a half shaved head, pink hair on the other half and some moody clothes on exited the shop. The lady in front of us at the checkout turned back to my mother and said 'she looks a right bloody mess, what's going on these days?'. My mother said 'oh I know. Makes YOU look good doesn't it?'

I started to snort and sputter, then my mother realised her mistake and began chuckling herself. The woman in front of us asked us why we were laughing. So, she hadn't caught the inadvertent backhanded compliment and now it was to be explained to her, so that she could catch up both on the accidental slur and the reason we were laughing, and then take offence at the laughter.

I couldn't cope with the hilarity of the escalated situation and wandered away for a while, leaving my mother to stick her nose in the air and pretend she was in a bubble through which nobody could penetrate.

My mother is brilliant at being the cause of most cringeworthy escapades. On another supermarket outing she delved into a freezer, picked up a bag of frozen sausages and barked down the aisle at me, enquiring as to whether I fancied a nice sausage for tea. Meanwhile a particularly curved and long sausage slid out of the damaged bag and drooped longingly towards the freezer. I started to snigger at the image (think losing an erection) and pointed. My mother immediately stuffed the bag back into the freezer and said she'd already defrosted some faggots anyway. I said that explained the drooping sausage then.

We bought toilet rolls and left.

I've done the whole driving along in the car with a passenger and saying excitedly, "Ooh, look at the train"
(I had a toddler DD)

The passenger was a victim of crime.
We were in a marked police car.
I'm a police officer.

The shame

Back in the day my DB was obsessed with trucks. He couldn't pronounce 't' though. Walking around a toy shop, he excitedly and loudly declared "oh look! A big black fuck"

At which point my mum prayed for the ground to swallow her up.

As an extension of that, he had been told that "fuck" was a naughty word and he must not say it. So from then on, he refused to say "fork" and invented the word "spiky spoon"

My lovely neighbour over the road recently had her second child, she already has a 3 year old.
The other evening I noticed that she was parked outside ours in the pouring rain and thought I would help her to get the children into the house.
The toddler was asleep, she had lifted the baby out in her car seat and had the usual bag full of nappies etc.
I came out and said, give me your keys, I will take babe and bag and go on in while you get the little fellow out.
She said OK, pointed out that the lock could be tricky, and it needed a jiggle.

Off goes I, in the dark, in the absolutely pouring rain.
I get to the door and that key would not work, I am there jiggling, trying to shelter the babe, I hear BlahBlahEees, I say what, she says BlahBlahEes louder, I say What, louder, She says BlahBlahEeeees!
Then she gets close enough for me to hear her properly and said, That's not our house it's Leigh's"

Leigh lives next door to them!

I could not stop laughing, it still makes me crack up!
Poor girl probably prays I am minding my own business when she parks these days!

tiredvom that's absolutely brilliant. Did your passenger comment

Not me, but this is a good one. My Aunt was talking about hair styling and recommended to her friend that she use 'Semen' after straightening.

Obviously meant serum

I have often taken adults hands when we approach a road, normally the people I'm with but some strangers too.

But my dad did the best one ever - introducing at a conference Baron Chris Smith (then Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport) who was one of the first openly gay politicians as the Secretary of Straight!

He got a cartoon about him in a trade magazine and everything!

I have two that still make me go all hot and cold to think about them.

The first was when I was 16 and working in the bakery part of tescos. Whilst stacking bread I look up and see a guy who only had one hand struggling with the little plastic bag that you put the loose rolls in. I stand up, and being the helpful person that I am, ask him if he'd like a hand

The second one was when I went to comic con, in the line to have a photo with one of my favourite actors. I'm wearing a shirt from a recent charity campaign he'd done. Get to the front, take one last excited look over my shoulder at my friend and do a weird little crouch to empathise excitement. Turn round and he's right there. He says "hey! I like your shirt" whilst reaching out, obviously meaning to tap my shoulder. I come out of weird crouch thing, his finger is now coming towards my breast. He notices and panics slightly, means to pull his hand away but has a brain malfunction and jabs harder (and it was right on the nipple) he's stood there, bright red whilst I clutch my boob and try to pretend nothing happened. "Don't worry." I say merrily "you're on TV"

I was in tha car with my friend and she wanted to know the prices of a new beauty salon that had opened. There was nowhere to stop the car so she asked me to pop in and get a price list while she waited for an available parking space opposite. So I got out, got the price list from the salon and put it in my handbag, and crossed the road in the dark. I spotted what I thought was her car and jumped into the passenger seat.

Without looking at the driver I just said 'it starts at £20 but goes up to £150 for the whole package. Depends what you want doing really. There's 25% off at the moment if it's your first time though. Hang on, I've got the price list here".

Looked up and a strange man is in the driver's seat like

I just mumbled 'sorry' and shuffled out. My freind's car was at the other end of the car park. She asks me if I'm going to tout for buisness every time I'm in the car with her now.