To be slightly mortified

[Allinson2014]

A delivery driver just came to the door. I opened the door and said "chicken". I've no idea why. He looked like this and then ran away. I've no explanation apart from my DD is teething and thinks sleep is for wimps at the moment.

My mum had 3 children under 5 and when my Dads boss came around for dinner my Mum leant over and cut his meat up for him!
Also in school one of the teachers I work with ended a telephone call to a male parent with the words 'love you!' we were rolling around the staffroom!

My DH wants to know why I am shaking with ears running down my face.

Best thread I have read for ages

as a newly qualified science teacher, I was once instructing a new Y10 class to put their bags on the counter/workbench that ran all along the back of the classroom and down one side under the window.ONly I couldn't think what this shelfy surface thing was called and told them all "please put your bags on that back-side there"

OMG, I wanted the ground to swallow me up!

I literally ran into Michael Howard at Victoria Station and then said to him "oh shit, it's Michael Howard'.

I also nudged my new work colleague in the ribs and said " look, it's the Sir Nigel Gresley' (it's a train and I thought I was with DS!

I literally have tears reading these.

I normally only drive either by myself or with the kids (youngest is 4). At the moment I have a student with me at work. She has been very understanding at me driving around corners saying 'weeeeeeeee' and making funny noises going over bridges. Also she has been very diplomatic and my comments about the fluffy sheep.

Got on the bus and asked the driver for 20 silk cut once.
Spent a whole train journey talking about famous people I'd met and whether they were nice or not. When we got off the train my work colleague told me the woman opposite me with wry smile on her face was Zoe Wannamaker.
Must be public transport related for me!

These are hilarious!

My best friend and I have a running put down of 'ohhhhh suck a dick'
Instead of saying shut up (I know I know, sorry!)
Anyway my new boss was giving me a bit of a ribbing for making a mistake and I said 'OOOHHH suck a DICK ' very very loudly
luckily she has a foul mouth and pissed herself laughing but I was utterly mortified!

I was in the public loos one day with my 3yr old DS - who had insisted on going in to a cubicle by himself - I waited outside (he hadn't locked the door) and after a few minutes I shouted under the door "do you want me to wipe your bottom for you?"

I then realised I had shouted under the wrong cubicle door

To be looking round Chatsworth stately home, the sun was streaming in through the huge window in one of the dark bedrooms, rendering it quite hard to see (my excuse and I'm sticking with it)....I sidled up behind dh, gave him a quick surreptitious bum squeeze and whispered something suggestive about the bed.....

Pity dh was pissing himself laughing across the room whilst the young foreign tourist looked aghast at me......

I'm reading these out to my Mum and we're laughing. My Dad has to keep pausing the tv.

He is NOT amused

Working as a receptionist I nipped to the customer loo as ours was broke, came out and bumped into a patient who was busy corralling 3 children and was getting a bit stressed.
I moved out of her way and she asked me if I had wiped properly
She was mortified poor love but I couldn't stop laughing for ages!

Even DH is laughing out loud.

Oh no I've remembered another . Where I used to live, the taxi company and hospital were a similar telephone number. I once rang the hospital asking for a taxi. The receptionist said it was the hospital and I said "I know but I want a taxi". They hung up on me.

Nothing to add (obviously must have blocked mine from memory) but these have had tears rolling down my cheeks!

I'm a solicitor and on my return to work after maternity leave spent with new baby and my vehicle obsessed 3 year old I was in a meeting with clients when a really large snazzy red tractor drove past on the main road outside. Of course I interrupted my flow with "Wow - look at that Tractor". I'm sure they were really impressed!

And I also remember as a 3 year old myself getting lost in a supermarket, finding my dad's legs again and telling him "daddy, you have very dirty shoes" only to be told by a most embarrassed man "I'm not your daddy".

Hahahahahaha....am hysterical!!!
canadianJohn 'politely' asking their neighbour 'how much is your pension' had me nearly falling off the sofa!
Keep them coming, am loving this thread!

This thread had me crying with laughter.

Yesterday I was introducing myself to a new, senior, colleague and, in attempting to describe myself as "technical & nerdy", inadvertently described myself as "turdy".

The other day dd (4) was dawdling in front of me in Asda so I said in a stern voice 'just keep moving, yes come on, I haven't got all day to faff around' and another woman in the aisle turned round and apologised and moved out of my way.

Oh I've just remembered another couple.

Dd had just started nursery and I'd got to know one of the other mums a bit and knew she was my age (32) and she told me her daughter was pregnant with a big smile on her face and I meant to reply 'oh my goodness congratulations' but actually said 'oh my GOD how old is she?'. (She was 17 fwiw so not as young as I'd been imagining)

Also when Ds started school I made acquaintance with a mum called Dani. I am also one of those annoying people who say your name a lot so 'Hi Dani' 'how are you Dani' 'I like your dress Dani'. Anyways turns out her names Nicola. I didn't realise until Ds was in p3.

I once ended a conversation with a client with "Bye, love you"
I, like a pp, have used my 'mum' voice on various people. Recently, I told DD to stop doing something in a lovely pleasant voice, whilst saying "Thank you" to the cashier in a tone that suggested she had kidnapped my first-born.

DS can't say corn flakes to save his life. It comes out fucks sake. Took him to asda you can guess where this is going shopping. Walking down the food aisle and at the top of his voice shouts "fucks sake mommy"

Me hushing him up quickly "yes darling corn flakes"

DS loving his new word and a recent introduction to McDonald's. "McDonald's breakfast fucks sake mommy!"

Lots of evil looks from the OAP's doing their weekly shop.

When mine were small, I was constantly teaching them to cross the road only when the green man came up at lights - and never mind what the silly grown ups did, running across the road when the red man was still showing.

One day, waiting to cross, they both set off to cross the road while the red man was showing. I growled 'GET BACK NOW AND WAIT'!

Two middle aged men very sheepishly came back to the pavement and mumbled apologies. I was mortified.

My sons were at school.....

I was in a department store in Paris heading for the exit. A woman was coming towards me and as I dodged to one side, she also dodged to the same side.

As i rebounded off the mirror I stopped and said loudly and in great surprise 'oh! It's me!'